My friend Victoria "encouraged" me to post more promptly today . . . so instead of watching my beloved Daily Show I am blogging . . . harumph.
Today was a good day. After a less than stellar yogic performance this weekend I made Brad promise to get my tushie out of bed this morning and read through the yoga poses with me. And sure enough he did . . . his inner disciplinarian is kicking my inner disciplinarian's butt. It was an ok practice. I feel a bit stiff from a few days of no practice and I have never really gotten back into my breath since I got this cold thingy. I still find myself opening my mouth (gasp) to breath half way through the practice. I need to work on that . . .
I have found myself sad, however, these past few days to not be on the fruit cleanse. It has been strange, but I have realized that pretty much everything I put into my body is less "pure" than the fruit I was eating last week and I feel like I am contaminating myself. Not that I felt miraculously better after the fruit cleanse - in some ways I was disappointed that my sinus and allergy issues still persisted - but I have felt this organic energy since the fruit cleanse that I fear losing. I have felt, at times, a lightness in my being that has been really invigorating, and I am afraid that all the carbs and cheese are going to make this energy go away. So I have found myself continuing to incorporate a piece or two of fruit into my diet each day and that has been fun. If nothing else, hopefully in the long run this fruit cleanse will have re-introduced me into a food group I had all but lost. It has opened up new possibilities in my diet which is always good.
I just feel more acceptance this afternoon. Certainly this morning I was not feeling acceptance. I realized this weekend and reaffirmed this morning that I have lost the diamond necklace Brad gave me - it was a pre-engagement, engagement gift. A present that conveyed that he was never going anywhere no matter what we labeled ourselves as. When we had first discussed marriage and decided that it wasn't for us, that necklace had stood as our secret code, a symbol of the commitment we had made in our hearts to each other even if we didn't feel like announcing that feeling to the world. To lose that was very devastating - even though the loss of the necklace is totally my fault,. I have been taking off the necklace regularly for yoga and have gotten into the poor habit of stuffing the chain in my coin purse. Lately, as I have been practicing more and more, I have just stopped putting the necklace back on after each practice and have been leaving the necklace in the purse. But sadly I noticed on Sunday that the chain was no longer hiding in the bottom of the coin purse. I knew it had been an unsafe keeping place and I knew it could easily be lost. Stupid Clare. This morning when the reality of the loss sank in I was less than forgiving of myself. But as the day wore on I was able to regain perspective and composure on the situation.
It is certainly a sad day in the HahneLiffordman household but it is another shinning opportunity for me to look at my own failure squarely in the eye and I say "I love you" to myself anyway. I am still holding out hope that the necklace has run away to join my blue wedding shoes and Brad's water bottle (two items that magically disappeared after our wedding), but if not, I can be sad without beating myself up about it. I don't know where the acceptance this afternoon came from, or why I was able to let go of beating myself up, but I did -- so I am going to run with that freedom and hang on to it for dear life. Its easy to know that guilt is not a productive emotion but it is so hard to get away from it -- so run when you can!
Namaste,
Clare
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Days 24, 25, 26, 27, 28?
I think somewhere I got off on the days . . crap! What day is it?
It has been a week of being in the moment and forgiving myself for my faults. It started after our group session on Wednesday with my yoga class at the studio on Thursday. I pushed myself and went to class on Thursday and lo and behold, there were only 3 other students that showed up to practice with me. It was a great class!! We ditched the usual flow routine and instead experimented with our favorite (and least favorite) poses. It was so liberating and fun! We played with frog hops, headstands, tripod handstands, alignment in forward folds and pigeon and other hip openers. We were doing things I had never done before; in fact, I spent a good bit of the class falling on my face - literally - as I tried to learn tripod headstand! Nothing was "business as usual" and in the process of letting go of my frustration that class wasn't going to be "normal" I was reminded how fun yoga can be. Turning the class on its head really focused me on letting go and being in the moment.
Something in me clicked and the joy of being present has really just stuck with me throughout the rest of this week. The teacher reminded us that when you come to your mat, you are coming to practice yoga. It's not a yoga class or a yoga lesson -- its a yoga practice. You are supposed to fail so that you can learn and grow. The art of practicing yoga (and life I suppose) is knowing how to take yourself to the edge of your potential and accepting exactly where you are, faults and all, at any given moment. If you don't fall on your face you will never learn where your edge is -- that is to say, you will never learn where that point is that is just beyond your grasp, the edge of your abilities at any given moment to fully express the pose -- but if you don't and appreciate where your edge is, you aren't accepting where you are in your ability to express that pose during that particular practice. If you can't play with your edge, as the yogis say, you will never be able to be brave enough to get into your tripod headstand because you won't be willing to risk the failure necessary to balance on your arms and get your legs up over your head, but you also are not able to be brave enough to accept that today is not a day your day for that pose in that way. Learning your edge is about challenging yourself and accepting yourself all in the same breath.
I haven't been perfect the back half of this week in my commitment to my yoga and meditation, but I am finding where my edge in my life is and embracing that. Just because I have committed to this 40 Day Journey doesn't mean that it is somehow not still a yoga practice. I am going to fail and this week I have been much more okay accepting those failures without so much guilt and shame. While I might not have succeed in the goal I set for myself to do an hour and a half of yoga each day I have succeed in other goals, and the presence to acknowledge those successes is part of this whole process.
I will continue to try to do better this week - only 2 more weeks to go - and we will see what edges in my life I run into . . .
Namaste,
Clare
PS - It occurs to me that perhaps the phrase "namaste" needs some explanation. In Sanskrit it means "may the light and divine within me, honor the light and divine within you." It is how yogis greet each other and how we close our yoga practices together. It seemed appropriate to honor the light and divine within each of you as you read this blog and help honor the light and divine within me as I go through this journey. Thank you and namaste.
It has been a week of being in the moment and forgiving myself for my faults. It started after our group session on Wednesday with my yoga class at the studio on Thursday. I pushed myself and went to class on Thursday and lo and behold, there were only 3 other students that showed up to practice with me. It was a great class!! We ditched the usual flow routine and instead experimented with our favorite (and least favorite) poses. It was so liberating and fun! We played with frog hops, headstands, tripod handstands, alignment in forward folds and pigeon and other hip openers. We were doing things I had never done before; in fact, I spent a good bit of the class falling on my face - literally - as I tried to learn tripod headstand! Nothing was "business as usual" and in the process of letting go of my frustration that class wasn't going to be "normal" I was reminded how fun yoga can be. Turning the class on its head really focused me on letting go and being in the moment.
Something in me clicked and the joy of being present has really just stuck with me throughout the rest of this week. The teacher reminded us that when you come to your mat, you are coming to practice yoga. It's not a yoga class or a yoga lesson -- its a yoga practice. You are supposed to fail so that you can learn and grow. The art of practicing yoga (and life I suppose) is knowing how to take yourself to the edge of your potential and accepting exactly where you are, faults and all, at any given moment. If you don't fall on your face you will never learn where your edge is -- that is to say, you will never learn where that point is that is just beyond your grasp, the edge of your abilities at any given moment to fully express the pose -- but if you don't and appreciate where your edge is, you aren't accepting where you are in your ability to express that pose during that particular practice. If you can't play with your edge, as the yogis say, you will never be able to be brave enough to get into your tripod headstand because you won't be willing to risk the failure necessary to balance on your arms and get your legs up over your head, but you also are not able to be brave enough to accept that today is not a day your day for that pose in that way. Learning your edge is about challenging yourself and accepting yourself all in the same breath.
I haven't been perfect the back half of this week in my commitment to my yoga and meditation, but I am finding where my edge in my life is and embracing that. Just because I have committed to this 40 Day Journey doesn't mean that it is somehow not still a yoga practice. I am going to fail and this week I have been much more okay accepting those failures without so much guilt and shame. While I might not have succeed in the goal I set for myself to do an hour and a half of yoga each day I have succeed in other goals, and the presence to acknowledge those successes is part of this whole process.
I will continue to try to do better this week - only 2 more weeks to go - and we will see what edges in my life I run into . . .
Namaste,
Clare
PS - It occurs to me that perhaps the phrase "namaste" needs some explanation. In Sanskrit it means "may the light and divine within me, honor the light and divine within you." It is how yogis greet each other and how we close our yoga practices together. It seemed appropriate to honor the light and divine within each of you as you read this blog and help honor the light and divine within me as I go through this journey. Thank you and namaste.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Day 23
Again, a day late with this one - sorry guys! It has been a crazy few days at work and I haven't really had time to post much in the evenings since I have been doing yoga after work.
Last night we had our weekly group session and talked a lot about our "lies" and our "exit doors." The lies are the root feelings and beliefs that you have that you believe are true but are not because you are fundamentally perfect the way you are. Beliefs such as: I am not lovable; I am not good enough; and I am angry at myself. What happens is that you live your life out of that belief system, then when you interact with people you find yourself in situations that reinforce that perception of yours, so then you have an escape route so as to get away from those feelings.
For example, one of the lies I shared was the lie that I am always angry. I am always angry in large part because I am disappointed in people -both myself and others. I believe that if I hold onto a person or a situation long enough they (or it) will change. If I was good enough/smart enough/worked hard enough I could figure out a way to make that person or situation better and then all would be happy. Well, life doesn't work like that. What happens is that the people and situations that I cling to, that I try to wait out and work through, don't fix, then I get angry and disappointed, and then I begin to ignore and belittle my needs, still in an effort to remedy the situation. Instead of saying to a mean friend "hey you're a jerk, you never return my calls, and now that you finally want to hang out, I have other can't," I push aside my previously scheduled plans so that I can hang out with said mean friend because maybe, just maybe, if I work really hard, they will like me.
Wow - it sounds kind of pitiful to write it all out like that. But it was really interesting to see how many lies and how many exit doors we all have, and as members of the group shared, it was bizzarly comforting to see how many of our lies are similar. So many of us feel unlovable, unworthy, unappreciated, not good enough. . . and so many of us have the same exit doors - although they seemed to go one of two ways - either try harder or run away from the situation. The fight or flight instinct I suppose.
It was a good group. My one little mini-breakthrough was an observation that a fellow yogi made; she said, "you are willing to quit on yourself but not on anyone else." I am not fully sure why that is yet, but it rung very true and struck a little too close to home. As I have shared in this blog, it has been very hard for me to stick with the yoga and meditations. I have quit on myself a lot, usually at the last minute I just sort of give up because mostly I am too tired or, sometimes, because I am too busy. I am not quite sure how my fellow yogi's observation about my behavior relates to my "lies" but it is another iteration of my "exit door" and that was very clear to me!
Tonight I will try to write more about the end of this fruit fast which has been really cool - everyone should try it once! Until then . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Last night we had our weekly group session and talked a lot about our "lies" and our "exit doors." The lies are the root feelings and beliefs that you have that you believe are true but are not because you are fundamentally perfect the way you are. Beliefs such as: I am not lovable; I am not good enough; and I am angry at myself. What happens is that you live your life out of that belief system, then when you interact with people you find yourself in situations that reinforce that perception of yours, so then you have an escape route so as to get away from those feelings.
For example, one of the lies I shared was the lie that I am always angry. I am always angry in large part because I am disappointed in people -both myself and others. I believe that if I hold onto a person or a situation long enough they (or it) will change. If I was good enough/smart enough/worked hard enough I could figure out a way to make that person or situation better and then all would be happy. Well, life doesn't work like that. What happens is that the people and situations that I cling to, that I try to wait out and work through, don't fix, then I get angry and disappointed, and then I begin to ignore and belittle my needs, still in an effort to remedy the situation. Instead of saying to a mean friend "hey you're a jerk, you never return my calls, and now that you finally want to hang out, I have other can't," I push aside my previously scheduled plans so that I can hang out with said mean friend because maybe, just maybe, if I work really hard, they will like me.
Wow - it sounds kind of pitiful to write it all out like that. But it was really interesting to see how many lies and how many exit doors we all have, and as members of the group shared, it was bizzarly comforting to see how many of our lies are similar. So many of us feel unlovable, unworthy, unappreciated, not good enough. . . and so many of us have the same exit doors - although they seemed to go one of two ways - either try harder or run away from the situation. The fight or flight instinct I suppose.
It was a good group. My one little mini-breakthrough was an observation that a fellow yogi made; she said, "you are willing to quit on yourself but not on anyone else." I am not fully sure why that is yet, but it rung very true and struck a little too close to home. As I have shared in this blog, it has been very hard for me to stick with the yoga and meditations. I have quit on myself a lot, usually at the last minute I just sort of give up because mostly I am too tired or, sometimes, because I am too busy. I am not quite sure how my fellow yogi's observation about my behavior relates to my "lies" but it is another iteration of my "exit door" and that was very clear to me!
Tonight I will try to write more about the end of this fruit fast which has been really cool - everyone should try it once! Until then . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Day 22
A bit late on this post . . .
I can't decide if I should be proud of myself for my amazingly strong mind that can argue my way into and out of a paper bag, or curse my mind for being so good at mentally convincing me that I don't want to do what it is I say I want to do. Gahh. If nothing else in life, I can say I am good at arguing myself out of (and perhaps into) things.
I have not been very good with my yoga these last few days and have missed more days than I want to admit. Sometimes life has gotten legitimately in the way - like when we had to go to the Urgent Care on Friday because Brad gotten bitten by a dog - but most of the time I haven't been practicing because I have been too busy making excuses in my head as to why I can't. Mostly its because "I don't have time" or "I am too tired" (this is a big one). I have been fixated on going to yoga classes at the studio (since evidentally I paid for an unlimited amount of them) and thats one reason why I haven't been getting my yoga in - I keep blaming my schedule not jiving with the studio's schedule. Just another "story" as they say in group. I need to suck it up, take more responsibility, and just get the yoga done. I need to shut off the voice in the mind (my little monster) and act from an authentic place - not the place of guilt or shame or resentment that the voice in mind is winning, and that I am failing at this. If that means I get the yoga done, which I can do regardless of the excuses I keep coming up with, great. If I can't do my yoga then I need to forgive myself, brush myself off, and try again the next day.
As Baron says "Drop your brain, drop your expectations, and just let go and flow"
I can't decide if I should be proud of myself for my amazingly strong mind that can argue my way into and out of a paper bag, or curse my mind for being so good at mentally convincing me that I don't want to do what it is I say I want to do. Gahh. If nothing else in life, I can say I am good at arguing myself out of (and perhaps into) things.
I have not been very good with my yoga these last few days and have missed more days than I want to admit. Sometimes life has gotten legitimately in the way - like when we had to go to the Urgent Care on Friday because Brad gotten bitten by a dog - but most of the time I haven't been practicing because I have been too busy making excuses in my head as to why I can't. Mostly its because "I don't have time" or "I am too tired" (this is a big one). I have been fixated on going to yoga classes at the studio (since evidentally I paid for an unlimited amount of them) and thats one reason why I haven't been getting my yoga in - I keep blaming my schedule not jiving with the studio's schedule. Just another "story" as they say in group. I need to suck it up, take more responsibility, and just get the yoga done. I need to shut off the voice in the mind (my little monster) and act from an authentic place - not the place of guilt or shame or resentment that the voice in mind is winning, and that I am failing at this. If that means I get the yoga done, which I can do regardless of the excuses I keep coming up with, great. If I can't do my yoga then I need to forgive myself, brush myself off, and try again the next day.
As Baron says "Drop your brain, drop your expectations, and just let go and flow"
Monday, November 2, 2009
Day 21
Today was the first day of the fruit fast and, so far, so good. I feel a little bit like the caterpillar in the children's book - the one who keeps eating and eating more fruit as the days go on - turns out he is eating so much so he can store up his energy and spin a cocoon and become a butterfly. Maybe after these three days I will transform into a butterfly too? Its a thought. In any case, I feel like I am eating a lot but honestly, not as much as I expected. Today's fruit count: 2 avocados, 1 1/2 tomatoes, 1 (giant) apple, 1 pear, 1 banana, 1 1/4 cups pineapple, 1/2 cup raspberries, and 16 oz miso soup . . . ok it sounds like a lot more when you write it all out haha. I haven't really been as hungry as I thought I would be but my stomach has been making some different gurgling noises and I feel really bloated. I imagine this is just part of the process; so no judgment.
I am definitely struggling with the meditation part of this process. In general the time commitment has been hard but especially the meditation. I am finding it a bit harder to commit to sitting still for now 20 minutes twice a day than it is to commit to doing a physical activity like yoga. I also worry that I might be starting to fall asleep while I meditate? I just feel so lulled away by the time the buzzer goes off and today, after my morning meditation, I was so so sleepy! It felt like I had been woken up in the middle of a nap. Boo. I am going to try harder tomorrow to get the meditation done pre-shower so that maybe the morning routine will wake me up more so I am not so sleepy. I have lots to do tomorrow already on my desk!
My parting thought for the evening is this -- ever notice how when you try to avoid something in pops up in your face? I have never been a sweets person, I don't even have food cravings really, but today all I could think about was what food I wanted. I wanted chocolate, candy, gum, mints, chips, even nuts. Anything that I knew was in reach I was tempted to grab. I ended up munching on my apple all afternoon as a way to almost suppress the cravings for non-fruit food. It was hilarious in some ways how my mind was bound and determined to get me to go back to my normal routine; to give up on what this fruit fast and return to its comfort zone of carbs, Coke, and protein . . . mmmm protein. Ever seen those Weight Watchers commercials with the little orange monster that represents your inner cravings and the voice you need to silence? Mine wasn't as cute but as equally hilarious in its efforts to get its way. Hmmm what should I name him/her? I have a feeling he/she will be back again tomorrow. I must be n the lookout.
Namaste,
Clare
I am definitely struggling with the meditation part of this process. In general the time commitment has been hard but especially the meditation. I am finding it a bit harder to commit to sitting still for now 20 minutes twice a day than it is to commit to doing a physical activity like yoga. I also worry that I might be starting to fall asleep while I meditate? I just feel so lulled away by the time the buzzer goes off and today, after my morning meditation, I was so so sleepy! It felt like I had been woken up in the middle of a nap. Boo. I am going to try harder tomorrow to get the meditation done pre-shower so that maybe the morning routine will wake me up more so I am not so sleepy. I have lots to do tomorrow already on my desk!
My parting thought for the evening is this -- ever notice how when you try to avoid something in pops up in your face? I have never been a sweets person, I don't even have food cravings really, but today all I could think about was what food I wanted. I wanted chocolate, candy, gum, mints, chips, even nuts. Anything that I knew was in reach I was tempted to grab. I ended up munching on my apple all afternoon as a way to almost suppress the cravings for non-fruit food. It was hilarious in some ways how my mind was bound and determined to get me to go back to my normal routine; to give up on what this fruit fast and return to its comfort zone of carbs, Coke, and protein . . . mmmm protein. Ever seen those Weight Watchers commercials with the little orange monster that represents your inner cravings and the voice you need to silence? Mine wasn't as cute but as equally hilarious in its efforts to get its way. Hmmm what should I name him/her? I have a feeling he/she will be back again tomorrow. I must be n the lookout.
Namaste,
Clare
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Day 20
Wow -- how did we get to Day 20 already? I can't believe it has gone by so fast. They say it takes 20 days to break a habit so it will be interesting to sit and reflect a bit on what patterns and habits in my life have changed over the last three weeks. I know some things much be changing because today, even though I had friends coming over to watch football with us, I left to go do my yoga at the studio. I was so proud of myself and amazed in some ways by how little resistance there was to skipping my usual butt-on-couch-beer-in-hand football watching. Yes, I didn't really want to go and needed a brief push out the door from Brad, but I didn't have such an inner dialogue about how I shouldn't or couldn't go to the class. Yeah!
I also did 5 Wheels in class today!!! (See http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4869895/151204-main_Full.jpg if you don't know what Wheel pose is) I was totally psyched - I have never managed more than 3 wheels in any class. I also went to the studio for class on Saturday and learned Bird of Paradise (See http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3208/3141250027_0627661ce9.jpg) which I had never done before. So it was a week full of firsts in yoga - of finding my strength even though I felt like I had done most of this week half-heartedly. Its true what everyone has been saying, so many of the obstacles and problems in life are purely mental. You don't really believe, or even want to believe, how strong you really are. I am not quite sure what I gain by not believing fully in myself. I spend so much time and energy reminding myself of my failures and remembering how I am not capable to do whatever it is that is set out before me -- whether we are talking about a pose in yoga or a challenge at work. I am not sure what the doubt does to serve me -- so many of us have it -- how does it serve any of us? I have been journaling a lot about this. Trying to figure out how leading my life with so much fear and doubt is getting me to the life that I want to lead. If I gain any insight I will be sure to let you all know ;)
Tomorrow starts the 3 day fruit fast - I only get to eat fruit: berries, apples, melons, bananas, pears etc. I am both terrified at how hungry I may be and exhilarated at how purifying everyone says this type of cleanse is. I will keep you posted.
Namaste,
Clare
I also did 5 Wheels in class today!!! (See http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4869895/151204-main_Full.jpg if you don't know what Wheel pose is) I was totally psyched - I have never managed more than 3 wheels in any class. I also went to the studio for class on Saturday and learned Bird of Paradise (See http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3208/3141250027_0627661ce9.jpg) which I had never done before. So it was a week full of firsts in yoga - of finding my strength even though I felt like I had done most of this week half-heartedly. Its true what everyone has been saying, so many of the obstacles and problems in life are purely mental. You don't really believe, or even want to believe, how strong you really are. I am not quite sure what I gain by not believing fully in myself. I spend so much time and energy reminding myself of my failures and remembering how I am not capable to do whatever it is that is set out before me -- whether we are talking about a pose in yoga or a challenge at work. I am not sure what the doubt does to serve me -- so many of us have it -- how does it serve any of us? I have been journaling a lot about this. Trying to figure out how leading my life with so much fear and doubt is getting me to the life that I want to lead. If I gain any insight I will be sure to let you all know ;)
Tomorrow starts the 3 day fruit fast - I only get to eat fruit: berries, apples, melons, bananas, pears etc. I am both terrified at how hungry I may be and exhilarated at how purifying everyone says this type of cleanse is. I will keep you posted.
Namaste,
Clare
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