Day 29

My friend Victoria "encouraged" me to post more promptly today . . . so instead of watching my beloved Daily Show I am blogging . . . harumph.

Today was a good day.  After a less than stellar yogic performance this weekend I made Brad promise to get my tushie out of bed this morning and read through the yoga poses with me.  And sure enough he did . . . his inner disciplinarian is kicking my inner disciplinarian's butt.  It was an ok practice.  I feel a bit stiff from a few days of no practice and I have never really gotten back into my breath since I got this cold thingy.  I still find myself opening my mouth (gasp) to breath half way through the practice. I need to work on that . . .

I have found myself sad, however, these past few days to not be on the fruit cleanse.  It has been strange, but I have realized that pretty much everything I put into my body is less "pure" than the fruit I was eating last week and I feel like I am contaminating myself.  Not that I felt miraculously better after the fruit cleanse - in some ways I was disappointed that my sinus and allergy issues still persisted - but I have felt this organic energy since the fruit cleanse that I fear losing.  I have felt, at times, a lightness in my being that has been really invigorating, and I am afraid that all the carbs and cheese are going to make this energy go away.  So I have found myself continuing to incorporate a piece or two of fruit into my diet each day and that has been fun.  If nothing else, hopefully in the long run this fruit cleanse will have re-introduced me into a food group I had all but lost.  It has opened up new possibilities in my diet which is always good.

I just feel more acceptance this afternoon.  Certainly this morning I was not feeling acceptance.  I realized this weekend and reaffirmed this morning that I have lost the diamond necklace Brad gave me  - it was a pre-engagement, engagement gift.  A present that conveyed that he was never going anywhere no matter what we labeled ourselves as.  When we had first discussed marriage and decided that it wasn't for us, that necklace had stood as our secret code, a symbol of the commitment we had made in our hearts to each other even if we didn't feel like announcing that feeling to the world.  To lose that was very devastating -  even though the loss of the necklace is totally my fault,.  I have been taking off the necklace regularly for yoga and have gotten into the poor habit of stuffing the chain in my coin purse.  Lately, as I have been practicing more and more, I have just stopped putting the necklace back on after each practice and have been leaving the necklace in the purse.  But sadly I noticed on Sunday that the chain was no longer hiding in the bottom of the coin purse.  I knew it had been an unsafe keeping place and I knew it could easily be lost.  Stupid Clare.  This morning when the reality of the loss sank in I was less than forgiving of myself.  But as the day wore on I was able to regain perspective and composure on the situation.

It is certainly a sad day in the HahneLiffordman household but it is another shinning opportunity for me to look at my own failure squarely in the eye and I say "I love you" to myself anyway.  I am still holding out hope that the necklace has run away to join my blue wedding shoes and Brad's water bottle (two items that magically disappeared after our wedding), but if not, I can be sad without beating myself up about it.  I don't know where the acceptance this afternoon came from, or why I was able to let go of beating myself up, but I did -- so I am going to run with that freedom and hang on to it for dear life.  Its easy to know that guilt is not a productive emotion but it is so hard to get away from it -- so run when you can!

Namaste,
Clare