Day 39

Wow, so this journey is ending, and it feels like I am going out with a sizzle not a bang. I am kind of disappointed by that actually. I have been coming to terms over the last few days that the process is about the journey, not the end result (I think there's a famous quote to that effect, but its escaping me now).  I am trying not to expect anything from this revolution but its bumming me out that my life and work have been getting in the way of my time for yoga and meditation this week.  And no, that's not totally my story, I have gotten stuck in traffic twice this week on my way to go to yoga! I am trying to get there!

In other news, I have been getting up early all his week, and oddly enough, it's kind of giving me this weird energy.  For those of you who know me, you know that I am not a morning person.  So this is a refreshing twist of things.  Perhaps I will have to keep playing with this "early to bed, early to rise" routine I have going. 

Last night was the last night of group - perhaps that is why I am in a bit of a melancholy mood today.  One comment that a fellow yogi made really stuck with me - actually its a mantra that her husband repeats frequently that up until this program had really bothered her.  The comment was "Nothing is either good or bad it's just thinking that makes it so."  The quote reminded me of the experience on the Metro the other day with the guy I got so mad a for rubbing up against me with his briefcase.  I made him bad as I sat there and rattled on to myself about how he was rude, and inconsiderate, and oblivious, and self-absorbed -- when really that was all my judgment and my thoughts that made that real. Nothing about what I thought about his was real, except to myself.

Technically the program ends tomorrow but I know I am far from finishing the intent of this journey.  There's a peace in realizing this last week or so that I am really at the beginning.  That this 40 days was not a quick fix, but rather a stepping stone out of the places and thought patterns where I was.  For whatever reason, knowing that I am not marching to a goal has made the process of savoring the walk so much more important. 

I am beat from this week and am heading to bed, but am taking votes.  Should I keep blogging?  And if so, what about?

Off to dreamland . . .

Namaste,
Clare

Day 37

Wow . . . the time is now flying by.  I have been very busy at work and between that and the errands I have felt like my time is all spoken for -- not in a bad way, just in a "I don't have time to kill" way.  I am not sure if this is a totally fair statement, but it feels like I haven't really been this busy at any other time during this process -- it was just my head that told me that I had no time to practice yoga or do my meditations.  The funny thing is though, my lack of getting any practice in isn't making me feel like a failure.  I don't think its because I have stopped caring, but I am coming into a place of acceptance, and that feels really great.

I was able to be present more throughout the day today, and life has a funny way of bopping you on the head with this presence.  This morning on the Metro the gentleman standing in front of me kept banging into me with his bag.  I started getting mad at his obliviousness and standing firmer in my position so as not to give way to the pressure of his bag.  I was getting all hot and bothered when the train cleared out and he took a seat next to me.  Ironically enough, when he sat down he pulled out Baron's other book "Journey Into Power," turned to the first page, and began reading.  I wanted to laugh, cry, and introduce myself to the guy.  How funny that I had created this whole story about him being rude, insensitive, and oblivious and he was looking to the same yogi for guidance and strength during his journey.  I create so many stories, and excuses, and justifications and just plain BS.  I was humbled to realize on an ordinary metro ride how much of my life I create in my head and how much I am willing to judge so quickly. . . . I guess I need to practice more nonreactivity!! 

My fatigue seems different this last day or two as well - I am worn out tired, not just bored tired.  My brain has been up and working since 6am and now its blissfully ready for bed.  There has been a spring in my step that was joyful throughout the day and now its just time to shut down and reboot.

So good night, sleep tight
Namaste,
Clare

Day 36

Today is the beginning of a long week.  It seems like every night this week I have something non-yoga going on in addition to the rest of my life. I am tired already just thinking about it!  This evening the Eye Doctor informed me that my contacts were fitting too tightly, doing something bad to my retina, and were the wrong prescription.  No wonder I was having eye fatigue and headaches!  Not to get too far-out there, but I once had a friend tell me that vision issues were a result of being unable to see the future of one's life clearly and honestly.  She asserted that she had cleared up her near blindness by mindfully working on being present in her life and authentic about herself.  Now I am not sure I really believe that, but it is nice to think that maybe my ability to deal more squarely with myself, and look with more confidence and compassion into the future has helped me strengthen my eyes; to see what is really there in my life.  In any case, perhaps this new prescription will help the headaches at the very least -- hooray!

I had a long conversation with a friend tonight about the 'point' of this program and how you know if you're 'revolutionizing' or not and she offered this sage wisdom "the point of the program is not about doing yoga and meditation everyday, the point is that it offers you a different perspective on how to live your life and the potential possibilities in it."  I like this idea.  I am going to sit with it a while and see how it feels. 

Tomorrow I am going to talk to an expert about my aptitude test results.  So that will definitely open up some new possibilities and perhaps new perspectives on my life.  I am looking forward to it. 

Until then, I am dragging myself to bed, because tomorrow is another long day!!

Namaste,
Clare

Day 35

I have been feeling very sad this weekend.  Sad that this process is drawing to a close.  Sad that I have been less successful that I would have hoped in doing my daily yoga and meditations.  Sad that I beat up on myself so much for my 'failings'.  Sad because I don't think I have had any major revolutions.  Sad because Brad just told me the football season is halfway over!!

I hate posting about the things that have been bumming me out - I don't want to be too much of a Debbie Downer  - and really I think this depression is an important part of the process.  I need not resist the bad feelings just because they are unpleasant.  I need to keep accepting where I am without judgment and listen to why I am resisting growth and joy in my life.  So I am going to post five things that have made me happy during this process to balance the above mentioned sad things . . .

1.  My arms are clearly getting stronger from all the yoga, as I can now do several high-to-low push ups.
2.  I have been good at getting to yoga at the studio, even when it means I miss football.  I have gone four times every week for the last three weeks!
3.  I have had, when I decide to be present in my life, much more energy.  I am beginning to realize when I am being an ostrich and am just avoiding things and pretending they will go away.
4.  I have grown to really like fruit (which I have never really been a big fan of before) and am much better at incorporating it into my daily diet.
5.  Both the Vikings and the Panthers won their games today; and while I missed the ends of both games because I went to yoga, I have a great husband and a wonderful DVR to keep me up to speed on these things.

Hopefully sleep will help improve my mood tomorrow too!!

Namaste,
Clare

Day 32

A short post tonight because I am trying to get myself to 6am yoga tomorrow  and it is BEDTIME. . . .

In my practice this afternoon I had a thought -- if homo erectus was such an evolutionary step forward for human kind, if letting go of walking on all fours and standing up straight on our two feet signified progress, why is it that we spend so much time in yoga trying to get all our weight back into our hands?  We even do a pose called "gorilla pose" where we stand on our hands and walk around.  Grr . . . I am bemusedly frustrated with myself . . . and why is it that I can not go back to my genetic roots and get myself back into my hands?  I have been struggling the last few days in particular because I cannot get my hands flat, and in so many yoga poses, one needs to get the hands flat so that they can bear the weight of your body.  Evidently my "texting muscle" (technically I think its called the triad muscle) of my hands is over-developed.  Go figure.  What are the teeny-boppers of this generation going to do if even my texting muscle is over developed??  Anyway, an over-developed texting muscle makes it hard to get the thumb and the thumb muscle down flat on the ground  - hence I can 't really get my weight into my whole hand because its not flat on the floor - hence I fall on my face when I try to stand on my hands and do crow pose.  Boo.  So can someone please explain to me how it is that I can't un-evolve?  How come it is that I can't undo this particular kind of growth and progress?  I forget things I have learned and undo growth I have achieved all the time.  In fact, as a person, I think I am quite skilled at unlearning things (a/k/a forgetting things).  So how come after 2 straight days of focusing on loosening this tiny muscle in my hand I can't seem to let it go and go back to my "natural" state of being?  Damn monkeys, chimps, apes, or whatever it is we technically evolved from. And curse you Sprint, Verizon and T-Mobile.   I bet the monkeys don't worry about their under-developed hand muscles. . . you think there's an app for that?

Namaste,
Clare

Day 31

Today was our second to last group session and I am feeling rather contemplative.  A comment that was said during the session really struck me and I am sort of dwelling in it as I try to process its meaning.  The comment was "we are meaning making machines."  It sounds silly - definitely a bit alliterative - but it is really sitting heavy with me.  The context is that most of our stories and the lies we tell ourselves come from childhood.  We take what our siblings/teachers/parents do or say and at some point we interpreted those actions or inactions somehow as having a specific meaning - they were rejecting us in some way or another.  We take the critique of our performance during a dance recital, a teasing comment about our appearance, or an indifference to our efforts, as a huge slight and from that slight we begin this toxic cycle of meaning.

Most of us can trace this cycle back to an event in our childhood, but whatever the event is, it all came from how we interpreted that situation.  We gave meaning to the situation and derived feelings from that wholly created meaning.  My Mom saying I looked awkward on the dance floor at my recital or my Dad not recognizing how I kept trying to involve him in my girl scouts so he would be proud of me - those events and comments probably didn't even register in their brainwaves. Yet I took those events as significant and I gave them the meaning they have for me in my life.  I took the comments as I am not good enough - I gave them that meaning - and then have spent a large part of the rest of my life trying to prove my worth to someone so as to invalidate that meaning - which was never really there expect in my head in the first place . . .

I am not sure I have been fully liberated yet from the chains or the beliefs of my own creation, but I am reminded that we create our own reality.  To say that our parents didn't mean to inflict whatever wounds they inflicted doesn't invalidate our feelings of hurt, it just reminds us that how, even as a child, we perceive the situation is of our own making.  That our parents didn't love us, that we were not worthy of their affection, that we were a failure, that we were ugly/awkward/skinny/naive etc. etc. etc. -- those aren't facts.  It is what we took away from whatever experiences we believe we went through.  We can believe to see those experiences differently - as meaning something else entirely. 

Ironically, I read an Op-Ed piece today in the NYT that illustrated this point better than I am tonight.  So here is the link - so you can see why Mr. Brooks is paid to share his opinions and I am not . . . http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/10/opinion/10brooks.html?_r=1&em 

I don't think I have blogged about this yet - but I recently (as part of my side-revolution) purchased and took an aptitude test.  I was hoping to gain insight into my natural abilities but also to understand better what kind of a worker bee I am, and to determine what sorts of professional and social interactions would best sustain and fulfill me.  I got my results back last week and while I haven't had my meeting with my counselor to fully analyze them, I have read this much . . . I am in the 90+ percentile for both "Analytical Reasoning" and "Diagnostic Reasoning."  According to the summary of the results that I have, people are generally higher in one or the other, not both.  What I know (at least superficially) about my results is that I am always trying to solve problems.  Both through creating logical connections between things and by making "gut" assessments and evaluating the situation with a new solution. So in thinking about my yoga group tonight, it made sense that I have so many stories in my life because I thrive on the analysis of everything.  I have often literally created meaning where the was none so that my highly reason based mind would have something to reason over.  Its like I created a meaning to interpret just because my mind might have otherwise been bored. No wonder this process has been exhausting!  I have so many layers of fabrication to go through!

The phrase "meaning making machine" really struck a chord.  What if I step back and see how much the meaning I have derived from various situations in my life is all infused with meaning of my own creation?  What if I stop and think about how much meaning I interject into each  interpretation of a sequence of events?  Then the rejection that I feel is valid but it is of my own creation.  Like I said, I am still contemplating and chewing the cud on this one . . . . but it is definitely something to think about . .  .

Namaste,
Clare

Day 30

I don't have much to say tonight.  I am sore but not terribly sore.  I am tired but not crazy tired.  And I have been present in my life lately but not really present.  I kind of felt like I was coasting through the day.  Its been a fairly blissful coast.  Perhaps I am letting go of some of the old resistance to past habits, perhaps I am finding joy and lightness in my own strength during my meditations and practices, or perhaps I am hitting a runner's high with the sheer amount of all this yoga . . . whatever it is, I am enjoying the ride (and, for the record, I don't even like roller coasters!)  I think mostly I have been energized by feeling like I am over the 20 day hump - I know the halfway point is behind me and I know that the "being stuck" in the middle abyss of this process is now gone.  I feel like I am headed somewhere now; that there is a direction and purpose to my progress.

I am headed to do my evening meditation and bed now because I have to get up early to do yoga in the morning as we have our second to last group session tomorrow - it's going to be a long day . . .

Namaste,
Clare

Day 29

My friend Victoria "encouraged" me to post more promptly today . . . so instead of watching my beloved Daily Show I am blogging . . . harumph.

Today was a good day.  After a less than stellar yogic performance this weekend I made Brad promise to get my tushie out of bed this morning and read through the yoga poses with me.  And sure enough he did . . . his inner disciplinarian is kicking my inner disciplinarian's butt.  It was an ok practice.  I feel a bit stiff from a few days of no practice and I have never really gotten back into my breath since I got this cold thingy.  I still find myself opening my mouth (gasp) to breath half way through the practice. I need to work on that . . .

I have found myself sad, however, these past few days to not be on the fruit cleanse.  It has been strange, but I have realized that pretty much everything I put into my body is less "pure" than the fruit I was eating last week and I feel like I am contaminating myself.  Not that I felt miraculously better after the fruit cleanse - in some ways I was disappointed that my sinus and allergy issues still persisted - but I have felt this organic energy since the fruit cleanse that I fear losing.  I have felt, at times, a lightness in my being that has been really invigorating, and I am afraid that all the carbs and cheese are going to make this energy go away.  So I have found myself continuing to incorporate a piece or two of fruit into my diet each day and that has been fun.  If nothing else, hopefully in the long run this fruit cleanse will have re-introduced me into a food group I had all but lost.  It has opened up new possibilities in my diet which is always good.

I just feel more acceptance this afternoon.  Certainly this morning I was not feeling acceptance.  I realized this weekend and reaffirmed this morning that I have lost the diamond necklace Brad gave me  - it was a pre-engagement, engagement gift.  A present that conveyed that he was never going anywhere no matter what we labeled ourselves as.  When we had first discussed marriage and decided that it wasn't for us, that necklace had stood as our secret code, a symbol of the commitment we had made in our hearts to each other even if we didn't feel like announcing that feeling to the world.  To lose that was very devastating -  even though the loss of the necklace is totally my fault,.  I have been taking off the necklace regularly for yoga and have gotten into the poor habit of stuffing the chain in my coin purse.  Lately, as I have been practicing more and more, I have just stopped putting the necklace back on after each practice and have been leaving the necklace in the purse.  But sadly I noticed on Sunday that the chain was no longer hiding in the bottom of the coin purse.  I knew it had been an unsafe keeping place and I knew it could easily be lost.  Stupid Clare.  This morning when the reality of the loss sank in I was less than forgiving of myself.  But as the day wore on I was able to regain perspective and composure on the situation.

It is certainly a sad day in the HahneLiffordman household but it is another shinning opportunity for me to look at my own failure squarely in the eye and I say "I love you" to myself anyway.  I am still holding out hope that the necklace has run away to join my blue wedding shoes and Brad's water bottle (two items that magically disappeared after our wedding), but if not, I can be sad without beating myself up about it.  I don't know where the acceptance this afternoon came from, or why I was able to let go of beating myself up, but I did -- so I am going to run with that freedom and hang on to it for dear life.  Its easy to know that guilt is not a productive emotion but it is so hard to get away from it -- so run when you can!

Namaste,
Clare

Days 24, 25, 26, 27, 28?

I think somewhere I got off on the days .  . crap! What day is it?

It has been a week of being in the moment and forgiving myself for my faults. It started after our group session on Wednesday with my yoga class at the studio on Thursday.  I pushed myself and went to class on Thursday and lo and behold, there were only 3 other students that showed up to practice with me.  It was a great class!! We ditched the usual flow routine and instead experimented with our favorite (and least favorite) poses.  It was so liberating and fun!  We played with frog hops, headstands, tripod handstands, alignment in forward folds and pigeon and other hip openers.  We were doing things I had never done before; in fact, I spent a good bit of the class falling on my face - literally - as I tried to learn tripod headstand! Nothing was "business as usual" and in the process of letting go of my frustration that class wasn't going to be "normal" I was reminded how fun yoga can be.  Turning the class on its head really focused me on letting go and being in the moment. 

Something in me clicked and the joy of being present has really just stuck with me throughout the rest of this week.  The teacher reminded us that when you come to your mat, you are coming to practice yoga.  It's not a yoga class or a yoga lesson --  its a yoga practice.  You are supposed to fail so that you can learn and grow.  The art of practicing yoga (and life I suppose) is knowing how to take yourself to the edge of your potential and accepting exactly where you are, faults and all, at any given moment. If you don't fall on your face you will never learn where your edge is -- that is to say, you will never learn where that point is that is just beyond your grasp, the edge of your abilities at any given moment to fully express the pose -- but if you don't and appreciate where your edge is, you aren't accepting where you are in your ability to express that pose during that particular practice.  If you can't play with your edge, as the yogis say, you will never be able to be brave enough to get into your tripod headstand because you won't be willing to risk the failure necessary to balance on your arms and get your legs up over your head, but you also are not able to be brave enough to accept that today is not a day your day for that pose in that way.  Learning your edge is about challenging yourself and accepting yourself all in the same breath.

I haven't been perfect the back half of this week in my commitment to my yoga and meditation, but I am finding where my edge in my life is and embracing that.  Just because I have committed to this 40 Day Journey doesn't mean that it is somehow not still a yoga practice.  I am going to fail and this week I have been much more okay accepting those failures without so much guilt and shame.  While I might not have succeed in the goal I set for myself to do an hour and a half of yoga each day I have succeed in other goals, and the presence to acknowledge those successes is part of this whole process. 

I will continue to try to do better this week - only 2 more weeks to go - and we will see what edges in my life I run into . . . 

Namaste,
Clare

PS - It occurs to me that perhaps the phrase "namaste" needs some explanation.  In Sanskrit it means "may the light and divine within me, honor the light and divine within you."  It is how yogis greet each other and how we close our yoga practices together.  It seemed appropriate to honor the light and divine within each of you as you read this blog and help honor the light and divine within me as I go through this journey.  Thank you and namaste.

Day 23

Again, a day late with this one - sorry guys!  It has been a crazy few days at work and I haven't really had time to post much in the evenings since I have been doing yoga after work. 

Last night we had our weekly group session and talked a lot about our "lies" and our "exit doors."  The lies are the root feelings and beliefs that you have that you believe are true but are not because you are fundamentally perfect the way you are.  Beliefs such as: I am not lovable; I am not good enough; and I am angry at myself.  What happens is that you live your life out of that belief system, then when you interact with people you find yourself in situations that reinforce that perception of yours, so then you have an escape route so as to get away from those feelings. 

For example, one of the lies I shared was the lie that I am always angry.  I am always angry in large part because I am disappointed in people -both myself and others.  I believe that if I hold onto a person or a situation long enough they (or it) will change.  If I was good enough/smart enough/worked hard enough I could figure out a way to make that person or situation better and then all would be happy.  Well, life doesn't work like that.  What happens is that the people and situations that I cling to, that I try to wait out and work through, don't fix, then I get angry and disappointed, and then I begin to ignore and belittle my needs, still in an effort to remedy the situation.  Instead of saying to a mean friend "hey you're a jerk, you never return my calls, and now that you finally want to hang out, I have other can't," I push aside my previously scheduled plans so that I can hang out with said mean friend because maybe, just maybe, if I work really hard, they will like me. 

Wow - it sounds kind of pitiful to write it all out like that.  But it was really interesting to see how many lies and how many exit doors we all have, and as members of the group shared, it was bizzarly comforting to see how many of our lies are similar.  So many of us feel unlovable, unworthy, unappreciated, not good enough. . . and so many of us have the same exit doors - although they seemed to go one of two ways - either try harder or run away from the situation.  The fight or flight instinct I suppose.

It was a good group.  My one little mini-breakthrough was an observation that a fellow yogi made; she said, "you are willing to quit on yourself but not on anyone else."  I am not fully sure why that is yet, but it rung very true and struck a little too close to home.  As I have shared in this blog, it has been very hard for me to stick with the yoga and meditations.  I have quit on myself a lot, usually at the last minute I just sort of give up because mostly I am too tired or, sometimes, because I am too busy.  I am not quite sure how my fellow yogi's observation about my behavior relates to my "lies" but it is another iteration of my "exit door" and that was very clear to me!

Tonight I will try to write more about the end of this fruit fast which has been really cool - everyone should try it once! Until then . . .

Namaste,
Clare

Day 22

A bit late on this post . . .

I can't decide if I should be proud of myself for my amazingly strong mind that can argue my way into and out of a paper bag, or curse my mind for being so good at mentally convincing me that I don't want to do what it is I say I want to do.  Gahh.  If nothing else in life, I can say I am good at arguing myself out of (and perhaps into) things. 

I have not been very good with my yoga these last few days and have missed more days than I want to admit.  Sometimes life has gotten legitimately in the way - like when we had to go to the Urgent Care on Friday because Brad gotten bitten by a dog - but most of the time I haven't been practicing because I have been too busy making excuses in my head as to why I can't.  Mostly its because "I don't have time" or "I am too tired" (this is a big one).  I have been fixated on going to yoga classes at the studio (since evidentally I paid for an unlimited amount of them) and thats one reason why I haven't been getting my yoga in - I keep blaming my schedule not jiving with the studio's schedule.  Just another "story" as they say in group.  I need to suck it up, take more responsibility, and just get the yoga done.  I need to shut off the voice in the mind (my little monster) and act from an authentic place - not the place of guilt or shame or resentment that the voice in mind is winning, and that I am failing at this.  If that means I get the yoga done, which I can do regardless of the excuses I keep coming up with, great.  If I can't do my yoga then I need to forgive myself, brush myself off, and try again the next day.

As Baron says "Drop your brain, drop your expectations, and just let go and flow"

Day 21

Today was the first day of the fruit fast and, so far, so good.  I feel a little bit like the caterpillar in the children's  book - the one who keeps eating and eating more fruit as the days go on - turns out he is eating so much so he can store up his energy and spin a cocoon and become a butterfly. Maybe after these three days I will transform into a butterfly too?  Its a thought.  In any case, I feel like I am eating a lot but honestly, not as much as I expected.  Today's fruit count: 2 avocados, 1 1/2 tomatoes, 1 (giant) apple, 1 pear, 1 banana, 1 1/4 cups pineapple, 1/2 cup raspberries, and 16 oz miso soup . . . ok it sounds like a lot more when you write it all out haha.  I haven't really been as hungry as I thought I would be but my stomach has been making some different gurgling noises and I feel really bloated.  I imagine this is just part of the process; so no judgment.

I am definitely struggling with the meditation part of this process.  In general the time commitment has been hard but especially the meditation.  I am finding it a bit harder to commit to sitting still for now 20 minutes twice a day than it is to commit to doing a physical activity like yoga.  I also worry that I might be starting to fall asleep while I meditate?  I just feel so lulled away by the time the buzzer goes off and today, after my morning meditation, I was so so sleepy!  It felt like I had been woken up in the middle of a nap.  Boo.  I am going to try harder tomorrow to get the meditation done pre-shower so that maybe the morning routine will wake me up more so I am not so sleepy.  I have lots to do tomorrow already on my desk! 

My parting thought for the evening is this -- ever notice how when you try to avoid something in pops up in your face?  I have never been a sweets person, I don't even have food cravings really, but today all I could think about was what food I wanted.  I wanted chocolate, candy, gum, mints, chips, even nuts.  Anything that I knew was in reach I was tempted to grab.   I ended up munching on my apple all afternoon as a way to almost suppress the cravings for non-fruit food.  It was hilarious in some ways how my mind was bound and determined to get me to go back to my normal routine; to give up on what this fruit fast and return to its comfort zone of carbs, Coke, and protein . . . mmmm protein.  Ever seen those Weight Watchers commercials with the little orange monster that represents your inner cravings and the voice you need to silence?  Mine wasn't as cute but as equally hilarious in its efforts to get its way.  Hmmm what should I name him/her?  I have a feeling he/she will be back again tomorrow.  I must be n the lookout.

Namaste,
Clare

Day 20

Wow -- how did we get to Day 20 already? I can't believe it has gone by so fast.  They say it takes 20 days to break a habit so it will be interesting to sit and reflect a bit on what patterns and habits in my life have changed over the last three weeks.  I know some things much be changing because today, even though I had friends coming over to watch football with us, I left to go do my yoga at the studio.  I was so proud of myself and amazed in some ways by how little resistance there was to skipping my usual butt-on-couch-beer-in-hand football watching.  Yes, I didn't really want to go and needed a brief push out the door from Brad, but I didn't have such an inner dialogue about how I shouldn't or couldn't go to the class.  Yeah!

I also did 5 Wheels in class today!!! (See http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4869895/151204-main_Full.jpg if you don't know what Wheel pose is)  I was totally psyched - I have never managed more than 3 wheels in any class.  I also went to the studio for class on Saturday and learned Bird of Paradise (See http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3208/3141250027_0627661ce9.jpg) which I had never done before.  So it was a week full of firsts in yoga - of finding my strength even though I felt like I had done most of this week half-heartedly.  Its true what everyone has been saying, so many of the obstacles and problems in life are purely mental.  You don't really believe, or even want to believe, how strong you really are.  I am not quite sure what I gain by not believing fully in myself.  I spend so much time and energy reminding myself of my failures and remembering how I am not capable to do whatever it is that is set out before me -- whether we are talking about a pose in yoga or a challenge at work.  I am not sure what the doubt does to serve me -- so many of us have it -- how does it serve any of us?  I have been journaling a lot about this.  Trying to figure out how leading my life with so much fear and doubt is getting me to the life that I want to lead.  If I gain any insight I will be sure to let you all know ;)

Tomorrow starts the 3 day fruit fast - I only get to eat fruit: berries, apples, melons, bananas, pears etc.  I am both terrified at how hungry I may be and exhilarated at how purifying everyone says this type of cleanse is.  I will keep you posted.

Namaste,
Clare

This is my yoga thought and inspiration for the day . . .

If you don't bring intentions to these actions, then they are nothing but punishments.  --Jillian Michaels (from the Biggest Loser)

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Namaste,
Clare

Day 19

Well I think this week has been a bit of a roller coaster.  We had some really down days and some really up days.  Some days where I had no clue where I was going and days where I felt sure I knew what this journey was about.  There has certainly been an oscillation of all these emotions.  Today is a bit of a mulligan.  My plan to do yoga this evening after work was sidelined when Brad was bitten by a neighbor's dog.  A trip to the Urgent Care, some antibiotics, and a tetanus shot later, he's no worse for wear.  But at 11pm I am not about to start yoga for the day.

As I near the 20 day mark (the amount of time which it takes to break a habit, according to adage) I have certainly been struggling with resistance to this process.  I want to quit - it doesn't seem worth it - it takes too much effort - I am not getting anything out of this - all of these tapes have been running through my head this week.  And in truth, I have failed quite a bit at breaking the habits that I have.  My lizard brain - that part of your brain which even some of the earliest animals known to man had, which gravitates toward the tried and true - has definitely been winning this week, as I stick with what I know because in some ways it has helped me survive this far so it must be working, right?  Wrong!  My brother and I had a long conversation about this type of lethargy tonight - he told me abut an experiment where dogs lying on a floor that was electrocuted stayed put, despite the discomfort, even when given an option to escape to a non-electrocuted space, because there was comfort even in the uncomfortable place they were laying.  Anyone else ever heard of this study?  It fascinates me that there really is such a strong force inside of us that keeps us stuck where we are, regardless of an acknowledgment that we are in pain, because there is comfort in the known and familiar. 

I spent a lot of the day looking up quotes and stories about responsibility and self motivation - I felt like I needed a little reminder why we push ourselves to anything and why being committed to listening to the little voice in your head is important.  It was really empowering and I appreciated the struggle that everyone has with keeping one's self going.  There are two that I really liked:  "Stay committed to your decisions but flexible to your approach" -Tom Robbins.  Which reminded me to have more forgiveness to myself as I continue on this process.  Yes my approach is not spot on per Baron's guidelines every day, but I am struggling to find myself, and in that struggle I have to be sure I honor what will work for me.  It helped me forgive myself for being more lackadaisical on yoga because I have been spending a lot more time journaling and thinking about what is going on in my life that got me to this place. 

The second quote I really liked is:  "You are responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.  You are responsible for your rose."  -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery.  This quote is from The Little Prince for those of you who have not read the book, which is about a prince who wanders the galaxies. The rose is the Prince's true love but they are star-crossed, to be cheesy.  The idea of 'taming' the flower is a bit of an awkward translation -- the flower is coquettish and plays hard to get, and initially spurs the Prince's love, which causes him to leave his home planet.  His thoughts often go back to her and in the end the Prince realizes that in loving the flower, in taming her, he has been able to love her and realize that his rose is unique among all the flowers in the world because he loves her.  As I read this quote earlier today I was struck by the idea that we are our own roses.  This process makes us come to grips with and tame our own true selves and in the end, once we are out there, naked and exposed, we have only ourselves left to be responsible for.  This idea that once you really truly love someone you are responsible for them struck me as being more true when applied to our love and commitment to ourselves than to anyone (or anything) else.

Tomorrow is another day and I keeping going.  Onward and upward . . . 


Namaste,
Clare

Day 18

Tonight when I had a breakdown over running too late and missing yoga class I was reminded of an expression my Mom often says: "If you can't get out of it, get into it."  An embrace of the fact that things may be wretched, things may be tough, you all-in-all might not like the situation, but if you can't remove yourself or get away from it, you just have to accept it.  I was not as committed to my practice and this process today as I want to be, but I have to accept that, and get into the resistance that I have had to getting it done.

My Father-In-Law (oohh that's weird to write out) informs me that in Police training the concept is called "failing-forward."  I think Baron would like that name because it acknowledges both the success and the short-comings of this process.  While on the one hand I am proud of how I have stuck with this journey, I am also dismayed by how much I have faltered.  Both physical fatigue and mental resistance have made this process arduous.  It really is amazing, when you sit back and look at it, how much we let the internal monologue in our head run our lives -- no matter how illogical it may be at times.  I have felt at times like this process has made me have multiple personalities -- Lazy Clare, Motivated Clare, Zen Clare etc.  they are all me but not entirely.

Baron's second law of transformation is to "be willing to come part."  The idea being that just as we are about to encounter change within ourselves, when the little voice says "I can't continue this way," another little voice within us panics.  Change is uncomfortable and most of the time we'd rather wallow in our unhappiness because it is familar, safe, and known.  While I have not been under the illusion of late that everything is ok, I think in my 'logical mind' my dialogue abut how it is not ok is another way to control the situation.  I can articulate to a-tee everything that is wrong with my life and what I wish would be; what I could/should/would do with myself.  So I think I must be just on the verge of coming apart because I am all about control today.  I am not letting the nature flow of the universe work because I am too busy telling it what is and isn't so.  Change is a huge buzzword lately, especially given that it was a recent campaign slogan.  But we all want to be in charge of the change.  Gandhi has a quote about 'being the change you wish to see in the world,' which I love as a sentiment, but I read that as also retaining some element of control.  Like you know what change is best for the world?  Perhaps you do - or I do - or anyone does.  But perhaps we don't.  Perhaps we have to come undone and let some universal energy (whatever or whomever that may be) guide us to whatever change it is we need.

 I have to remind myself that continuing to live through this journey and examining how and why I am where I am IS the point of the process.   It is both an acknowledgment of the successes and the failures that I have.  I am not in complete control but I can admit that and I can keep going forward.

I am all about the inspirational quotes tonight . . . any good ones that keep you motivated or remind you to smile when things get tough?

Day 16

Wahoo!  I think today's revelation is that oftentimes things are not as hard as you make them out to be.  You spend so much time fussing about how you don't have time to do something that you have spent all your energy fussing (or fussin' as the Southerns would say) and no time doing the thing.  I also spend a lot of time planning to do great things (or fixin' to do them) and then I run out of steam.  Well today, the stars aligned or something, and I just shut up and did some things.  Not big things - I paid the bills, sent a couple of links to Brad of apartment ideas in Maryland, made some phone calls.  I took half of an aptitude test (so I can find out what I am really good at so I can be a better worker-bee) that I had been putting off for two weeks because it takes three hours to do - so I just sat down and decided to do half instead of just bemoaning how I never have three uninterrupted hours.  But it felt good to take actions and opposed to wallowing away at my desk hoping someone has work for me to do and reading the same Balloon Boy and John and Kate Plus Eight gossip stories over and over again (ps apparently OctoMom has a crush on John!? the world is a strange place . . . )

Today I dragged myself to a yoga class in the studio for the first time during this whole journey.  Evidently, I have paid for unlimited yoga classes during this 40 days when I signed up for this program (who knew?).  I was fading over the weekend in my gusto to continue with this journey, so I halfheartedly texted my friend Rebecca and asked her if she would come with me to a yoga class to keep me motivated.  She lives in DC and the class is at 7:45pm at night so I was sure she was going to say no . . . ha! maybe my asking her was even a way to 'blame' her and not take responsibility for committing to my own practice . . . anyway, I knew if I had actual peer pressure and a play-date I couldn't just cave and quit. Well it worked, Rebecca graciously agreed (she's studying to be a yoga instructor so I think she was just curious to see what I had gotten myself into) and the class was great!  It wasn't a very 'beginners' beginners class, but Rebecca kept up, and in fact, so did I!  I felt like my heart was beaming during a good part of the class I was so proud of myself.  It was very cool to see how much my at-home practices had taught me about being in my own skin.  I understood the pace of the class better now, so I could focus on alignment and positions in a new way. I was surprised to see how strong I had gotten in some poses and how I wasn't totally dying after the fast-paced Sun Salutations.  The instructor was cracking jokes and we laughed a lot as a class.  It was very refreshing to be so joyful in yoga.  Remember, as the yogis' say, all suffering is optional. 

I am probably going to be incredibly sore tomorrow -- but I don't even care. It was great to have the heat of the yoga studio relax my muscles and since I now know I have unlimited classes I will definitely go back more frequently.  I have already proven to myself that I don't need the studio to do this - I am strong enough to do it alone - its just more fun to have the support of the class, and it allows me to go deeper into my practice having them talk me through the alignment of the poses.

Ok, Brad has something AMAZING smelling in the oven so I am going to go eat!  More on the food tomorrow . . .

Namaste,
Clare

Day 15

Today was about things on this journey that don't make sense.  This morning while I was meditating - the time has now been bumped up to 15 minutes by the way, which feels like forever!!  - I actually started to panic that I was going to suffocate.  I mean, how backwards is that?  I was sitting there focusing on my breathe worried that I wasn't getting enough air?  This week in meditation we are encouraged not to move during meditation - to just let the itches and twitches and such pass and to sit with the sensations in our body.  Succumbing to these minor distractions is a way of not being present and allows our body to resist that which we are setting our mind to do.  So I am sitting there, trying not to move, feeling like I am going to suffocate (which I know in my head is illogical) saying "Clare just don't open your mouth."  Its laughable now.  But I had to try so hard not to panic during my meditation.  Oh resistance - you entertain me.

And now for something completely different . . . .

So can someone explain how fish soaked in butter and parsley can have absolutely no taste?  That was how the night's adventure with Julia ended up... It was my first attempt at poaching fish (well poaching anything, to be honest!), and again Clare and I ate something that resembled edible food.  Unfortunately, flavor was absolutely lacking.  I made a reduction of the white wine, shallots and chicken stock that the fish cooked in and I added butter and parsley after it was the consistency of syrup, but it definitely needed something else.  The fish itself was fresh (Sole, in case you were wondering) so it wasn't a case of bad fish, just the seasoning was very bland.  Maybe I'll try a different herb like chives or tarragon next time.  C'est la vie. C'est le guerre.  Tomorrow is another day and another recipe!  --B 

Day 13

Ugh.  Today's practice was hard. It all is sort of coming crashing in on me - have I mentioned I am supposed to be journaling (not publicly I don't imagine) and be conscientious of my diet on this program as well? I have not been very focused on that part of the "revolution." Fail.  And while I thought I was proving something to myself by doing my yoga practices all alone at home, today I am totally rethinking that.  The first week of yoga was easy and shorter and this week Brad had been reading the poses aloud since I was having such a hard time breathing with this chest-cold thing.  But tonight I was feeling better so I tried to practice again on my own. 

I realized that while the solitude of an at home practice is comforting because you explore your body in the poses in different ways, I am not getting the workout or building the same strength that I would be if I had been practicing in a studio.  I am also not feeling the energy of everyone around me to help me through the rigorous practice, because there is no one around me. It felt isolating; and not in a good way.  So today, when I tried to get into wheel, which is the culmination of your practice . . . I fell totally flat.  My arms were uninspired and my legs were useless and I just couldn't will my body to do it.  I tried three times and then I gave up - which was upsetting.

I don't know if this is just resistance to the process or what?  They say it takes 20 days to break a habit.  As I approach that benchmark maybe I am just trying to sabotage myself so that I don't change and the old habits prevail?  I feel like I am maybe in that Mucinex commercial where the green Mucus-guys have moved into the person's chest and are making themselves at home, and when he Mucinex kicks in and their stuff starts falling in around them, they hang on for dear life.  Maybe that's just because I have been taking a lot of Mucinex for this cold?  But somehow it seems appropriate.  I know change is hard but I guess I didn't realize it was hard and lonely.

Whether I am self-sabotaging or not, today I felt totally depressed practicing on my own.  I felt weak and like I was cheating somehow but not holding the poses long enough, or doing them in the right order, or forgetting to do something somewhere along the way.  I feel like I have ill-prepared myself for this process.  I didn't carve out time or space in my life for this journey either physically or mentally.  I thought at first that was a smart way not to psych myself out of embarking on this adventure but now I feel a bit like I am treading water in the middle of an ocean. I am not swimming anywhere, so I am somewhere in the middle, half-assing the process.  I am supposed to be rescuing myself and I don't really have my whole head and heart in the game.

I am going to chalk up this negativity to the fact that its the 13th day of the process - and 13 is an unlucky number.  Tomorrow is another day and I will keep going forward.  I will not let the green mucus-men of my old habits hang-on and keep my life where it is.  Their time has come and the had better pack their bags!  I am going to cough their slimy-mucus ways up and out of my life and then breathe easier . . . sorry . . . its a gross metaphor but now I can't get those guys from the commercial out of my head!  And with that said, I am going to go take some more drugs, slather some Vicks on myself and try to get rid of this cold.  Because it seems as if I have enough mental resistance to this journey I don't need any more grief from my body in the way of physical resistance. 

Namaste,
Clare

Day 12

So I remember now why they encourage you to do your yoga practice first thing in the morning . . . It doesn't have to do with the fact that once its done you don't have to worry about it for the rest of the day, or worry that your life will get in the way of getting your practice in - although those are good reasons.  Your supposed to do your practice first thing in the morning because your stomach is empty!

Oh, how I forgot the nasty feeling of doing yoga with a fully belly.  Because Baron's practice is about building "internal heat" to sweat out the toxins, resistance, yucky-stuff etc, it is best advised to do the practice on an empty stomach where there is nothing rumbling around in the tummy.  Since you are squeezing and stretching your belly through these poses as you heat it up your body with your breathe everything in your system gets, well, rather hot and bothered -- including any food in your belly which needs your stomach acid to break it down.  Two cosmos and a burrito later I feel dizzy, out of breath, and sick to my stomach.  Nothing like a bunch of guacamole-flavored belches to remind you that procrastinating yoga does not serve you well.  Yuck.  Not to mention being dehydrated, as two cosmos can do to you, makes you incredibly thirsty as your are sweating through the poses.  Thank goodness I wasn't actually being so foolish in the heated studio - which only increases these food induced ailments and makes you feel even more gross!

Lesson learned --  Booze + Mexican Food + Yoga = Bad News Bears!

. . . . perhaps I can figure out how to discipline myself after all? Or maybe I am just good at self-inflicting punishment haha!  In either case, I am taking a bottle of water and heading to bed now.  No more yoga after 9pm!

Namaste,
Clare

Day 11

A few hours late on yesterday's post - sorry folks.

I have been thinking a lot about the concept of discipline lately.  How is it that people force themselves to work out everyday? To get up every morning to do something which is in large part unnecessary to their daily survival just because they said they would.  That kind of commitment baffles me.  Is that kind of discipline just innate in some people more so than others? As animals, why do humans even have the capability for discipline? I am reminded of various kung-fu/Rocky type movies where the hero seems to be unflappable in his pursuit of skill, inner peace, and fine-tuning his god-like strength. 

I don't so much have the Rocky discipline but wonder where one finds it? Or maybe its why one finds it?  While in some respects I have been surprised at my own ability to stick out this process as long as I have, I am also disappointed in my own lack of discipline.  I don't so much spring out of bed every morning with meditation and yoga on the brain.  Sometimes I drag myself and get it done in the wee hours of the day.  But most mornings I have been cramming my meditation in (sometimes doing so on the Metro) and then coming home and trying to make a space in the evening hours for the yoga.  The pre-bedtime meditation has been the easiest part thus far!  I don't want to take away the fact that I have, for the most part, gotten the practices and meditation in -- I don't want to dis-empower myself or minimize that success-- but I am surprised by how erratic everything has been.  For a girl who likes routine so much, who finds comfort in TV schedules because they seem to bring a consistency and order to a life that otherwise often feels out of control, I have been really lacking the discipline I imagined I would have to make this journey fit into some sort of routine in my life.

So where does discipline come from? Does it come from the ancients beliefs that it made you closer to god? Is it an inherent part of our DNA as human beings? Why, or perhaps more importantly, how do we discipline ourselves?  What motivates you to keep going without falling victim to some negative internal dialogue where you beat up on yourself for failing to meet some goal you set-out for yourself?  Just wondering :)

Ok, off to work - more tonight!

Namaste,
Clare

Day 10

Well, lets just say group was really hard tonight.   We talked a lot about who we blame in our lives - our parents, our coworkers, our siblings, our husbands/wives . . . ourselves.   I was so thrown-off by my own connotations with the word 'blame' that I had to look it up when I got home to better understand the session.  According to the dictionary blame, originally from the Latin, means (1) To hold responsible, (2) To find fault with; censure, or (3) To place responsibility for (something). 

The way I was thinking of 'blame' was in terms of anger at someone for the mistakes they made; holding them responsible for some fault of theirs. But tonight we discussed the term 'blame' in terms of blaming people because they don't have the answers we need, because they won't give us what we want from them.  So its not so much some failure on their part as it is us hanging our hats on a hook they don't belong on.  I asked today in group how I can stay present in my meditations more, noting that when I just sit and accept my thoughts the buzzer has gone off and my time is over and I wasn't able to calm my mind and come back to my breath.  A discussion commenced on how I really knew the answer all along and that I was hiding behind this question; how I was blaming the group leader for not answering my question, for not giving me a solution to the problem I was creating.  The conversation was rough.  Nothing like coming to the brink of tears in front of a room full of almost-strangers because you seem to be the only person in the room who doesn't understand something -- yeah, awful middle school memories flooding in.

In the end, instead of hunkering down, doing my meditation, and being present, I was intellectualizing it, asking questions, and then being frustrated when the person I had reached out to for "help" wasn't giving me any guidance.  I simply had to realize that sitting there, dedicating the time each day to the meditation, was "doing the meditation."  That was enough [period].  And by focusing on the "how can I do this better" questions I was dis-empowering myself instead of empowering myself by acknowledging that I was in fact doing it all along.   

The group leader made an interesting metaphor again this week -- she stood up in the room and with one foot held to the floor by an invisible nail.  She spun her body around her foot, almost walking in a circle, and over and over she recited the typical excuses of why people say they are stuck and can't change - my job, my wife/husband, my kids, my parents etc., etc., etc. and then what they try to do to change - therapy, pills, yoga, etc. etc. each time feigning like she was trying to break free from the circle she was spinning in but couldn't because the one foot was still nailed to the floor.  As a society we spend so much time trying to fix ourselves by fixing all of the people and situations around us -- funny thing is, no one talks about the nail that is holding the one foot down; the nail that is causing you to spin around in a circle, keeping you trapped in the first place.  I don't know what the nail is that is keeping me spinning in circles, unable to break free, but something struck a chord with me tonight when I got so mad at the leader for suggesting that I was angry at her for not answering my question because by blaming her I was refusing to take responsibility for my own predicament with my own meditation.  I am not quite there yet, but it was one of those moments when you're know you are so close - when you can maybe, almost see the light - metaphorically speaking, of course.

Just to stay honest: morning meditation, albeit on the Metro, check.  Yoga this afternoon at home with Brad calling the poses to me, still with the reduced vinyasas because I can hardly breathe, check.  Evening meditation - well that's next - it is way past my usual bedtime!

Adventures with Julia Child will be back soon.  My Brother has been in town visiting this week and Brad has been a bit distracted by the xbox/wii/ps2 partner - they're saving the planet from aliens and zombies and such, so I just don't ask questions.

More tomorrow!
Namaste,
Clare

Day 9

So I still feel like crap.  I slept in this morning and skipped my morning meditation in lieu of some more zzzs under the influence of a good bit of over the counter drugs.  It was worth it I think.  My sore throat has slightly lessened as the day has gone by.  The less worse sore throat has been replaced however by a more clogged head.  Boo. 

I have no major revelations or words of wisdom for today.  I am just trying to keep my head held upright as I fight off this cold-thingy-yet-to-be-named because I don't really want to acknowledge its existence or let it slow me down.  I did however will myself to do more or less a complete yoga practice tonight -- I only did one round of the Sun Salutations as opposed to the usual 3, but I made my body go through all of the prescribed movements at least once, so I feel good about that.  Brad helped me tonight and read the poses aloud so that I could just focus on breathing - or trying to breath - as the case was.  It was really nice.  Before this whole process I had never done yoga outside a Baptiste studio really (I don't really count the couple of gym classes in college that I did, for the record) so exploring the differences in how I feel in home practice, with no heat, and today with Brad reading aloud to me have been really interesting.  Even though I've done the poses time and time before each time I am finding something new in my body each time.  My legs ache in different places, I feel the stretching in different places, some times I can do something and others days I can't.  The lack of heat and humidity in my house versus the studio definitely has me feeling the poses in new ways.  It's just interesting.  I try not to judge but just notice it.

I am glad I pushed myself to do the yoga, as my breathing seems to have cleared up even more, which is happy.  Off to go take some more drugs and do my meditation for the night.  Hopefully tomorrow morning I will feel well enough to do my yoga in the morning - which is the routine I was aiming to follow the last two days haha!

Namaste,
~Clare

Day 8

Ok, so lets be real, yesterday was hard.  Its easier to do the blog posting when I haven't done the days yoga.  After eating junky food for two days I felt like . . . well, junk.  My yoga practice was hard.  I didn't feel connected to my body or my breath.  I was mad and distracted and fell on my butt trying to get up into thunderbolt. - my pride was hurt but nothing else.  Boo. I am not sure if it was just because it was so late in the day and I was perhaps a bit drunk and full of crappy, greasy food, or if it was because I was coming down with this cold thing I have now.  In any case, it was a hard practice to get through.

Today has not fared much better -- which is a bummer because today starts the beginning of Week 2.   I have some sort of wonderful head cold going on - boo - which is making me feel very woozy, so I am calling today my day off for the week (boo - that was not the plan) and hoping if I go to bed now I will feel better enough by tomorrow to continue with the journey.  My meditation went well this morning though - I tried sitting in a position our teacher showed us last week - which was very grounding.  So that was good. 

I am trying to stay positive through this cold-sinus-infection-thingy-yet-to-be-named because I don't want to believe that its a real ailment, because then I might have to acknowledge that I brought this on myself.  Not to get too new-age on everyone, but it does occur to me that I might have hinted to the universe that I didn't want to go back to work today and that I was a bit pissed about doing yoga at weird hours of the day, and that by getting sick then I wouldn't have to go to work or do yoga.  I don't want to believe I sent that message out into the universe because I don't want to be so blatantly resistant to this process (or non-blatantly resistant either I guess).  I need to just accept my resistance, not judge it, and let it melt away. At least that's the goal.  For now, I will be happy if the junk in my head melts away.

Good Night!

Day 7

So today marks the end of Week 1 of this adventure.   Baron reminds us that even God rested on the 7th day, so each week we are allowed to take a one day reprieve to rest and relax.  I choose to skip my routine on Friday thinking I would be tired from everything this week - in retrospect I think that was kind of a mistake.  While I have not been very good at getting up early and doing my yoga and meditation first thing in the morning, weekdays are a bit more conducive to alarm clocks than the weekends are - or at least I listen to my alarm clock somewhat on the weekdays.  I almost felt badly lying in bed on Friday morning that I was not even trying to convince myself to get up.  Whereas on Saturday I didn't even move from bed until 11am and by then thoughts of early morning meditation and yoga were far from my head. 

While I was delinquent yesterday in updating my blog I did get my yoga done.  I forced myself to do it before we headed out to the So You Think You Can Dance concert in Richmond -- no judging -- it was awesome.  (If you don't believe me go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHDXC7dj0dg&NR=1 and watch Phillip Chbeeb do some locking)  Because I insisted on doing my yoga before we left we were almost late to the concert but made it into the Richmond Coliseum just in time!  It was a fun concert which we followed up with a late night trip to Waffle House -- which reminded me that I am perhaps a bit too old for Waffle House at midnight. 

I am finding this whole process hard not as much because of the actual yoga or meditation.  The time commitment to each activity isn't too cumbersome at the moment.  Perhaps by week six, when I have worked up to a half-hour of meditation and an 1 1/2 hours of yoga each day, I will have a harder time actually finding the time each day.  But currently, I am struggling with the lack of routine.  I have found that as my life has gotten more and more out of alignment with what I would like it to be I get more and more stuck in my routine.  I find it distressing that I might not be able to watch my TV shows mostly . . . it sounds pitiful to say that aloud . . . but I am struggling with how to integrate the yoga and meditation into my life in a way that doesn't cause me to give up those things which I am clinging onto, such as my TV shows.  I think I just need to put more effort into scheduling things so I don't get all pissy and resistant to doing my yoga because I have Biggest Loser episodes to watch. 

My math teacher in junior high used to say "prior planning prevents poor performance" so I guess my goal this week is to just be more committed to the prior planning part of this journey . . . that being said, I am going back to the football game :)

Day 4

Today was cold and rainy and gross.  All-in-all it should have been a stay-at-home-in-your-sweats-and-watch-tivo type of day, but alas, I need a paycheck.  It occurred to me as I was walking home from the Metro tonight that this was the first time this season that I could see the fog of my breath in the air.  I wondered if Baron had ever thought about doing yoga in the freezing cold to get this point across?  Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly want to practice yoga in 40 degree weather, but for a discipline that is so focused on the breath its funny to me how much easier it is to notice one's breath outside of a warm yoga studio.

For those of you who don't know Baron's yoga, it's a hot yoga (read: 90 degree heat and a good bit of humidity) and its vinyasa style (read: fast-paced, one breath per pose usually).  While we do this fast-paced yoga in a hot and humid room we practice this type of breath called uji breath - which is breathing through your nose with your mouth closed and making a sound like Darth Vadar.  Imagine trying to fog up a mirror you're holding right in front of your face but with the breath from your nose not the breath from your mouth.  You end up making this old-person-with-emphysema kind of raspy noise through the "whisper" muscles of you throat.  In addition, your supposed to lock your core and only breathe into your rib cage (not into your belly) to build up your internal heat during the practice.  Needless to say, even though I have been practicing Baptiste yoga for a while, this type of breathing is still very hard. Holding in your gut, breathing through your nose, expanding your lungs so you get enough air, etc. is harder on some days more than others.  Frankly, most times I practice in the studio I feel like a dog after a long walk and I just want to open up my mouth and pant a little to cool down.

But today, perhaps because I was focused on the fall air, I really focused on my breath.  I know the practice now well enough that I know what I am aiming to do breathing wise - its just hard to keep that focus as you move through all the poses, get distracted by your alignment, which pose you do next, etc.  Brad was busy in the kitchen cooking dinner (more on that in a minute) and his clanging around almost challenged me to breathe louder and to focus on the noise that I was making through the sound of my breath.  One time in class a teacher said that if the person practicing in class next to you couldn't hear your breathing, it didn't count.  If, as yoga suggests, your breath is the core of your power and your being, I like being reminded on these cold days of the existence of my breath.  When you breathe out and steam up the air you realize how much there was inside of you -- how far it travels away from your mouth before it dissipates into the air, and how much space it takes up as a cloud in front of your face.  There is a lot of something stored in each breath.  It was nice today.  I like breathing.   

I must confess though, I did stumble today in the scheduling of the yoga and meditation.  I slept in (again) and ended up doing my yoga in the evening.  I was proud of myself that, while I missed out of doing my meditation first thing in the morning, I did close my door at work and make a quiet space to sit for the allotted five minutes rather than fudging and meditating on the busy Metro.  Baron doesn't say you have to do your meditation and yoga in the morning but he does remind us that if we get it out of the way at the beginning of the day it's done, and then we don't have to worry about getting caught up in the day and running out of time.  I think part of the trick for me with this journey is going to be making the time - if I don't get into some sort of pattern I know that as the yoga and meditation practices get longer and longer it will be harder and harder to "squeeze" them in at night and I will end up running out of time. 


And Now For Something Completely Different . . .

Brad has begun to officially channel his inner Julia Child (yippee!)  While he has been doing a great job of making sure we have lunches to bring to work and healthy snacks to munch on, there has not been a ton of complex cooking.  I went ahead and bought him a Julia Child cookbook - The Way to Cook - just so we would have a springboard of recipes that did not succumb to current cooking fetishes of "30 minutes," "quick and easy" or "one pot meals."  Tonight we had sauteed pork chops and a potato-carrot puree.

...Okay, now it's my turn to hijack this post... (insert Brad's devilish grin)

I think my "inner Julia Child" as Clare calls it still has some growing to do... While dinner was good, it wasn't great, which, I suppose is the point (growth by doing, rather than perfection all at once).  I wouldn't learn anything if I didn't have a few hiccups along the way :^)  Anyway, the pork chops were good, but the mashed potato/carrot puree turned out like glue... I have to work on my mashed potatoes.  Maybe instead of blending with the hand mixer, I'll try whipping with a wire whisk.

Another thing I should think about is setting up my recipes over the weekend, that way I don't have to think about it when I come home (other than getting ingredients on the way home or during one grocery trip).  Coming home late for the last couple of nights really was a challenge.  I'll do better during the coming weeks.

That's all for now :^)

Day 3

Well today's posting is, as they say, "a day late and a dollar short."  Last night we were having issues getting the wireless internet to work on the laptop until very and Brad's computer is completely out of commission for some strange reason since we got back from the honeymoon.

Yesterday was a good day - I didn't resist too much in the morning, got myself up, and in my PJs meditated and did my yoga while Brad did the dishes in the kitchen behind me.  I found I was getting the order of the poses down a bit better so I was pleased that I didn't need to keep interrupting myself to look at the book as much.  I still felt sluggish at work though and am a bit distressed that the early morning yoga has not seemed to give me more energy to get through the day.

In the evening I went to our first group session.  It was interesting to see the diversity of people undertaking this journey with me.  I struggled with the challenge at the session to commit to the process because the language of the session was hard for me to wrap my head around.  Words like "make" and "good" and "breakthrough" all have such loaded connotations for me that it was hard not to fight those words internally when they were contiually used as part of the lessons in the session.  I think I get that the process of this journey is about opening your heart and understanding that you (and everyone else for that matter) are perfect, and about becoming aware again of that perfection in each of us - but I got a bit caught up and frustrated by the language. 

Words have incredibly profound meaning to people - as perverted as their original meanings may be nowadays - how we communicate is key to our understanding and our definition of our self.  Last night I just found that the communication wasn't clicking or resonating within me in a way that made sense, and so that was hard.  I found myself trying not to be angry at the group leader for speaking in a way that seemed almost oxymoronic to the spirit of this journey and I found I wasn't sure whether or not to be mad at myself for not speaking up more in group.  I didn't want to be "that kid" in class that is having like a personal one-on-one with the teacher, but I didn't get it/agree with/understand why the language she was choosing was being chosen.  Turns out it's Baron's language so now I am even more confused . . .

Day 2

Today I don't think either Brad or I were very committed to our adventures . . .

For the record, meditating on the Metro is harder to do than it would seem.  It's not because, as my Mother feared, that people will try to steal your stuff, but rather because the cars are so shaky you don't realize how un-still you really are while you are sitting quietly trying to breathe.  

We woke up late this morning so yoga had to be postponed until I got home from work.  At first I was upset with myself for sleeping in but I was proud of myself that I came home and immediately did my yoga.  I really have to move my mat though, slipping on the carpet next to the dinning room table is going to be a good way to bust my head open.  Brad had a late conference call this afternoon too so he bailed on his cooking for the evening - opting instead for the trustworthy crackers and cheese. I don't think you'll find too many cook books with a recipe for that one.

I don't know if our lack of commitment today is a feeble attempt at resistance to this journey we are embarking upon or just residual fatigue from staying up late for both Sunday and Monday night's football games?  But whatever it is, we both clearly need to recommit more.  Baron talks a lot about responsibility  - I think his point is less about the choices you make and more about how you own up to and take responsibility for those decisions.  Its okay that I didn't do my yoga in the morning or meditated in the none too peaceful Metro car, but I need to cut the crap and stop telling myself some story about why I "had to" make those choices -- I could have set the alarm myself instead of making Brad responsible for getting me up or I could have valued the time to do my yoga over watching the morning news and weather report.  I think its not about what you do its about what you tell yourself the reasons are for why you are doing what you are doing.  In any case, onward and upward . . .

Tomorrow is my first group session at the yoga studio to discuss the journey with everyone else who is doing this simultaneously with me- I am going to go to bed now so I can be rested for that discussion - and so I can do my yoga in the morning :)

Namaste,
Clare

Day 1

Ok, now I'm daunted . . .

Well maybe not daunted but I definitely got a wake up call of how hard this journey is going to be. Last night, as I was reading through Baron's book in preparation for the 40 Days, while I felt calm clearly a weird vibe was settling over the house - if I wasn't tipped off that our "kick off meal" the Beef Bourguignon wasn't done until after 10pm and was immediately relegated to the refrigerator for leftovers, I should have been tipped off by the fact that Brad fell asleep on my shoulder while I remained awake and watched the end of the Sunday night football game. In any case, I missed the signs, and sometime last night I got myself and my energy all out of sorts. I couldn't fall asleep and then when I did fall asleep I had horrible nightmares - the weird kind of dreams where they feel real and then have tragic but odd endings. None of the dreams had to do with yoga but I think they all had to do with my fear of failure or my lack of faith in my own strength. They were intense and I think I psyched myself out a bit. I woke up this morning and rolled over to Brad - "this is going to be a lot harder than I thought," I said.

This week I am to do 5 minutes of meditation, preferably in the morning, followed by a yoga routine that is supposed to take 20 minutes. Ha! While I found the meditation restful and fairly easy, the yoga practice was a bit awkward. First of all, it took me closer to 40 minutes to get my way through all the poses. My yoga mat kept slipping on the carpet under me and I had to keep awkwardly flipping through the pages of the book to see what my next pose was. I missed the heat of the yoga studio and I missed the sound of the instructor's voice calling out the poses as I moved through them.

In a lonely but oddly comforting way, this morning's practice reaffirmed that this is truly about being on your own. It was about the challenge of working through it yourself and working through your own embarrassment yourself . . . its funny that alone by yourself you still feel awkward and embarrassed by your own struggles in the yoga practice. It reminds me of the shame I felt in middle school when I wasn't "cool" enough and I felt that my existence was somehow, inherently, less "cool" than my peers. Like, somehow, magically, they were getting through their awkward ugly duckling years (as my Mother calls them) more gracefully than I was. I mean, really, who else is going to know if I look like a fool trying to figure out what the poses are? So much ego to let go of I suppose :)

I need to go do my last 5 minutes of meditation for the day - but I think I learned my lesson yesterday, I am going to save my "homework" reading for the morning - when its power to intimidate and overwhelm me is no more.

Until tomorrow,
Namaste

Eve of Day 1

Tonight is the eve of this 40 day journey and I think I might be a bit in denial about the arduous task I have undertaken. I am not (1) an early riser or (2) particularly into personal "alone" time and I am a bit of a procrastinator who functions best with draconian like deadlines. So this journey of personal motivation will definitely be a challenge but I remain, at least for tonight, undaunted. My loving husband Brad, has agreed to undergo this adventure with me (lets face it, we're married now so he can't really say no - ha!) He has also agreed to continue to be in charge of the meals in our household and has even challenged himself to a Julia Child style 40 day adventure of his own. Tonight as the scent of the simmering Beef Bourguignon wafts through the air I am as excited by his adventures as I am my own.

"40 Days to Personal Revolution: A Breakthrough Program to Dramatically Change Your Body and Awaken the Sacred Within Your Soul" is what Baron calls the program. I am looking forward to see what awakens within me.