Wow, so this journey is ending, and it feels like I am going out with a sizzle not a bang. I am kind of disappointed by that actually. I have been coming to terms over the last few days that the process is about the journey, not the end result (I think there's a famous quote to that effect, but its escaping me now). I am trying not to expect anything from this revolution but its bumming me out that my life and work have been getting in the way of my time for yoga and meditation this week. And no, that's not totally my story, I have gotten stuck in traffic twice this week on my way to go to yoga! I am trying to get there!
In other news, I have been getting up early all his week, and oddly enough, it's kind of giving me this weird energy. For those of you who know me, you know that I am not a morning person. So this is a refreshing twist of things. Perhaps I will have to keep playing with this "early to bed, early to rise" routine I have going.
Last night was the last night of group - perhaps that is why I am in a bit of a melancholy mood today. One comment that a fellow yogi made really stuck with me - actually its a mantra that her husband repeats frequently that up until this program had really bothered her. The comment was "Nothing is either good or bad it's just thinking that makes it so." The quote reminded me of the experience on the Metro the other day with the guy I got so mad a for rubbing up against me with his briefcase. I made him bad as I sat there and rattled on to myself about how he was rude, and inconsiderate, and oblivious, and self-absorbed -- when really that was all my judgment and my thoughts that made that real. Nothing about what I thought about his was real, except to myself.
Technically the program ends tomorrow but I know I am far from finishing the intent of this journey. There's a peace in realizing this last week or so that I am really at the beginning. That this 40 days was not a quick fix, but rather a stepping stone out of the places and thought patterns where I was. For whatever reason, knowing that I am not marching to a goal has made the process of savoring the walk so much more important.
I am beat from this week and am heading to bed, but am taking votes. Should I keep blogging? And if so, what about?
Off to dreamland . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Day 37
Wow . . . the time is now flying by. I have been very busy at work and between that and the errands I have felt like my time is all spoken for -- not in a bad way, just in a "I don't have time to kill" way. I am not sure if this is a totally fair statement, but it feels like I haven't really been this busy at any other time during this process -- it was just my head that told me that I had no time to practice yoga or do my meditations. The funny thing is though, my lack of getting any practice in isn't making me feel like a failure. I don't think its because I have stopped caring, but I am coming into a place of acceptance, and that feels really great.
I was able to be present more throughout the day today, and life has a funny way of bopping you on the head with this presence. This morning on the Metro the gentleman standing in front of me kept banging into me with his bag. I started getting mad at his obliviousness and standing firmer in my position so as not to give way to the pressure of his bag. I was getting all hot and bothered when the train cleared out and he took a seat next to me. Ironically enough, when he sat down he pulled out Baron's other book "Journey Into Power," turned to the first page, and began reading. I wanted to laugh, cry, and introduce myself to the guy. How funny that I had created this whole story about him being rude, insensitive, and oblivious and he was looking to the same yogi for guidance and strength during his journey. I create so many stories, and excuses, and justifications and just plain BS. I was humbled to realize on an ordinary metro ride how much of my life I create in my head and how much I am willing to judge so quickly. . . . I guess I need to practice more nonreactivity!!
My fatigue seems different this last day or two as well - I am worn out tired, not just bored tired. My brain has been up and working since 6am and now its blissfully ready for bed. There has been a spring in my step that was joyful throughout the day and now its just time to shut down and reboot.
So good night, sleep tight
Namaste,
Clare
I was able to be present more throughout the day today, and life has a funny way of bopping you on the head with this presence. This morning on the Metro the gentleman standing in front of me kept banging into me with his bag. I started getting mad at his obliviousness and standing firmer in my position so as not to give way to the pressure of his bag. I was getting all hot and bothered when the train cleared out and he took a seat next to me. Ironically enough, when he sat down he pulled out Baron's other book "Journey Into Power," turned to the first page, and began reading. I wanted to laugh, cry, and introduce myself to the guy. How funny that I had created this whole story about him being rude, insensitive, and oblivious and he was looking to the same yogi for guidance and strength during his journey. I create so many stories, and excuses, and justifications and just plain BS. I was humbled to realize on an ordinary metro ride how much of my life I create in my head and how much I am willing to judge so quickly. . . . I guess I need to practice more nonreactivity!!
My fatigue seems different this last day or two as well - I am worn out tired, not just bored tired. My brain has been up and working since 6am and now its blissfully ready for bed. There has been a spring in my step that was joyful throughout the day and now its just time to shut down and reboot.
So good night, sleep tight
Namaste,
Clare
Monday, November 16, 2009
Day 36
Today is the beginning of a long week. It seems like every night this week I have something non-yoga going on in addition to the rest of my life. I am tired already just thinking about it! This evening the Eye Doctor informed me that my contacts were fitting too tightly, doing something bad to my retina, and were the wrong prescription. No wonder I was having eye fatigue and headaches! Not to get too far-out there, but I once had a friend tell me that vision issues were a result of being unable to see the future of one's life clearly and honestly. She asserted that she had cleared up her near blindness by mindfully working on being present in her life and authentic about herself. Now I am not sure I really believe that, but it is nice to think that maybe my ability to deal more squarely with myself, and look with more confidence and compassion into the future has helped me strengthen my eyes; to see what is really there in my life. In any case, perhaps this new prescription will help the headaches at the very least -- hooray!
I had a long conversation with a friend tonight about the 'point' of this program and how you know if you're 'revolutionizing' or not and she offered this sage wisdom "the point of the program is not about doing yoga and meditation everyday, the point is that it offers you a different perspective on how to live your life and the potential possibilities in it." I like this idea. I am going to sit with it a while and see how it feels.
Tomorrow I am going to talk to an expert about my aptitude test results. So that will definitely open up some new possibilities and perhaps new perspectives on my life. I am looking forward to it.
Until then, I am dragging myself to bed, because tomorrow is another long day!!
Namaste,
Clare
I had a long conversation with a friend tonight about the 'point' of this program and how you know if you're 'revolutionizing' or not and she offered this sage wisdom "the point of the program is not about doing yoga and meditation everyday, the point is that it offers you a different perspective on how to live your life and the potential possibilities in it." I like this idea. I am going to sit with it a while and see how it feels.
Tomorrow I am going to talk to an expert about my aptitude test results. So that will definitely open up some new possibilities and perhaps new perspectives on my life. I am looking forward to it.
Until then, I am dragging myself to bed, because tomorrow is another long day!!
Namaste,
Clare
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Day 35
I have been feeling very sad this weekend. Sad that this process is drawing to a close. Sad that I have been less successful that I would have hoped in doing my daily yoga and meditations. Sad that I beat up on myself so much for my 'failings'. Sad because I don't think I have had any major revolutions. Sad because Brad just told me the football season is halfway over!!
I hate posting about the things that have been bumming me out - I don't want to be too much of a Debbie Downer - and really I think this depression is an important part of the process. I need not resist the bad feelings just because they are unpleasant. I need to keep accepting where I am without judgment and listen to why I am resisting growth and joy in my life. So I am going to post five things that have made me happy during this process to balance the above mentioned sad things . . .
1. My arms are clearly getting stronger from all the yoga, as I can now do several high-to-low push ups.
2. I have been good at getting to yoga at the studio, even when it means I miss football. I have gone four times every week for the last three weeks!
3. I have had, when I decide to be present in my life, much more energy. I am beginning to realize when I am being an ostrich and am just avoiding things and pretending they will go away.
4. I have grown to really like fruit (which I have never really been a big fan of before) and am much better at incorporating it into my daily diet.
5. Both the Vikings and the Panthers won their games today; and while I missed the ends of both games because I went to yoga, I have a great husband and a wonderful DVR to keep me up to speed on these things.
Hopefully sleep will help improve my mood tomorrow too!!
Namaste,
Clare
I hate posting about the things that have been bumming me out - I don't want to be too much of a Debbie Downer - and really I think this depression is an important part of the process. I need not resist the bad feelings just because they are unpleasant. I need to keep accepting where I am without judgment and listen to why I am resisting growth and joy in my life. So I am going to post five things that have made me happy during this process to balance the above mentioned sad things . . .
1. My arms are clearly getting stronger from all the yoga, as I can now do several high-to-low push ups.
2. I have been good at getting to yoga at the studio, even when it means I miss football. I have gone four times every week for the last three weeks!
3. I have had, when I decide to be present in my life, much more energy. I am beginning to realize when I am being an ostrich and am just avoiding things and pretending they will go away.
4. I have grown to really like fruit (which I have never really been a big fan of before) and am much better at incorporating it into my daily diet.
5. Both the Vikings and the Panthers won their games today; and while I missed the ends of both games because I went to yoga, I have a great husband and a wonderful DVR to keep me up to speed on these things.
Hopefully sleep will help improve my mood tomorrow too!!
Namaste,
Clare
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Day 32
A short post tonight because I am trying to get myself to 6am yoga tomorrow and it is BEDTIME. . . .
In my practice this afternoon I had a thought -- if homo erectus was such an evolutionary step forward for human kind, if letting go of walking on all fours and standing up straight on our two feet signified progress, why is it that we spend so much time in yoga trying to get all our weight back into our hands? We even do a pose called "gorilla pose" where we stand on our hands and walk around. Grr . . . I am bemusedly frustrated with myself . . . and why is it that I can not go back to my genetic roots and get myself back into my hands? I have been struggling the last few days in particular because I cannot get my hands flat, and in so many yoga poses, one needs to get the hands flat so that they can bear the weight of your body. Evidently my "texting muscle" (technically I think its called the triad muscle) of my hands is over-developed. Go figure. What are the teeny-boppers of this generation going to do if even my texting muscle is over developed?? Anyway, an over-developed texting muscle makes it hard to get the thumb and the thumb muscle down flat on the ground - hence I can 't really get my weight into my whole hand because its not flat on the floor - hence I fall on my face when I try to stand on my hands and do crow pose. Boo. So can someone please explain to me how it is that I can't un-evolve? How come it is that I can't undo this particular kind of growth and progress? I forget things I have learned and undo growth I have achieved all the time. In fact, as a person, I think I am quite skilled at unlearning things (a/k/a forgetting things). So how come after 2 straight days of focusing on loosening this tiny muscle in my hand I can't seem to let it go and go back to my "natural" state of being? Damn monkeys, chimps, apes, or whatever it is we technically evolved from. And curse you Sprint, Verizon and T-Mobile. I bet the monkeys don't worry about their under-developed hand muscles. . . you think there's an app for that?
Namaste,
Clare
In my practice this afternoon I had a thought -- if homo erectus was such an evolutionary step forward for human kind, if letting go of walking on all fours and standing up straight on our two feet signified progress, why is it that we spend so much time in yoga trying to get all our weight back into our hands? We even do a pose called "gorilla pose" where we stand on our hands and walk around. Grr . . . I am bemusedly frustrated with myself . . . and why is it that I can not go back to my genetic roots and get myself back into my hands? I have been struggling the last few days in particular because I cannot get my hands flat, and in so many yoga poses, one needs to get the hands flat so that they can bear the weight of your body. Evidently my "texting muscle" (technically I think its called the triad muscle) of my hands is over-developed. Go figure. What are the teeny-boppers of this generation going to do if even my texting muscle is over developed?? Anyway, an over-developed texting muscle makes it hard to get the thumb and the thumb muscle down flat on the ground - hence I can 't really get my weight into my whole hand because its not flat on the floor - hence I fall on my face when I try to stand on my hands and do crow pose. Boo. So can someone please explain to me how it is that I can't un-evolve? How come it is that I can't undo this particular kind of growth and progress? I forget things I have learned and undo growth I have achieved all the time. In fact, as a person, I think I am quite skilled at unlearning things (a/k/a forgetting things). So how come after 2 straight days of focusing on loosening this tiny muscle in my hand I can't seem to let it go and go back to my "natural" state of being? Damn monkeys, chimps, apes, or whatever it is we technically evolved from. And curse you Sprint, Verizon and T-Mobile. I bet the monkeys don't worry about their under-developed hand muscles. . . you think there's an app for that?
Namaste,
Clare
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Day 31
Today was our second to last group session and I am feeling rather contemplative. A comment that was said during the session really struck me and I am sort of dwelling in it as I try to process its meaning. The comment was "we are meaning making machines." It sounds silly - definitely a bit alliterative - but it is really sitting heavy with me. The context is that most of our stories and the lies we tell ourselves come from childhood. We take what our siblings/teachers/parents do or say and at some point we interpreted those actions or inactions somehow as having a specific meaning - they were rejecting us in some way or another. We take the critique of our performance during a dance recital, a teasing comment about our appearance, or an indifference to our efforts, as a huge slight and from that slight we begin this toxic cycle of meaning.
Most of us can trace this cycle back to an event in our childhood, but whatever the event is, it all came from how we interpreted that situation. We gave meaning to the situation and derived feelings from that wholly created meaning. My Mom saying I looked awkward on the dance floor at my recital or my Dad not recognizing how I kept trying to involve him in my girl scouts so he would be proud of me - those events and comments probably didn't even register in their brainwaves. Yet I took those events as significant and I gave them the meaning they have for me in my life. I took the comments as I am not good enough - I gave them that meaning - and then have spent a large part of the rest of my life trying to prove my worth to someone so as to invalidate that meaning - which was never really there expect in my head in the first place . . .
I am not sure I have been fully liberated yet from the chains or the beliefs of my own creation, but I am reminded that we create our own reality. To say that our parents didn't mean to inflict whatever wounds they inflicted doesn't invalidate our feelings of hurt, it just reminds us that how, even as a child, we perceive the situation is of our own making. That our parents didn't love us, that we were not worthy of their affection, that we were a failure, that we were ugly/awkward/skinny/naive etc. etc. etc. -- those aren't facts. It is what we took away from whatever experiences we believe we went through. We can believe to see those experiences differently - as meaning something else entirely.
Ironically, I read an Op-Ed piece today in the NYT that illustrated this point better than I am tonight. So here is the link - so you can see why Mr. Brooks is paid to share his opinions and I am not . . . http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/10/opinion/10brooks.html?_r=1&em
I don't think I have blogged about this yet - but I recently (as part of my side-revolution) purchased and took an aptitude test. I was hoping to gain insight into my natural abilities but also to understand better what kind of a worker bee I am, and to determine what sorts of professional and social interactions would best sustain and fulfill me. I got my results back last week and while I haven't had my meeting with my counselor to fully analyze them, I have read this much . . . I am in the 90+ percentile for both "Analytical Reasoning" and "Diagnostic Reasoning." According to the summary of the results that I have, people are generally higher in one or the other, not both. What I know (at least superficially) about my results is that I am always trying to solve problems. Both through creating logical connections between things and by making "gut" assessments and evaluating the situation with a new solution. So in thinking about my yoga group tonight, it made sense that I have so many stories in my life because I thrive on the analysis of everything. I have often literally created meaning where the was none so that my highly reason based mind would have something to reason over. Its like I created a meaning to interpret just because my mind might have otherwise been bored. No wonder this process has been exhausting! I have so many layers of fabrication to go through!
The phrase "meaning making machine" really struck a chord. What if I step back and see how much the meaning I have derived from various situations in my life is all infused with meaning of my own creation? What if I stop and think about how much meaning I interject into each interpretation of a sequence of events? Then the rejection that I feel is valid but it is of my own creation. Like I said, I am still contemplating and chewing the cud on this one . . . . but it is definitely something to think about . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Most of us can trace this cycle back to an event in our childhood, but whatever the event is, it all came from how we interpreted that situation. We gave meaning to the situation and derived feelings from that wholly created meaning. My Mom saying I looked awkward on the dance floor at my recital or my Dad not recognizing how I kept trying to involve him in my girl scouts so he would be proud of me - those events and comments probably didn't even register in their brainwaves. Yet I took those events as significant and I gave them the meaning they have for me in my life. I took the comments as I am not good enough - I gave them that meaning - and then have spent a large part of the rest of my life trying to prove my worth to someone so as to invalidate that meaning - which was never really there expect in my head in the first place . . .
I am not sure I have been fully liberated yet from the chains or the beliefs of my own creation, but I am reminded that we create our own reality. To say that our parents didn't mean to inflict whatever wounds they inflicted doesn't invalidate our feelings of hurt, it just reminds us that how, even as a child, we perceive the situation is of our own making. That our parents didn't love us, that we were not worthy of their affection, that we were a failure, that we were ugly/awkward/skinny/naive etc. etc. etc. -- those aren't facts. It is what we took away from whatever experiences we believe we went through. We can believe to see those experiences differently - as meaning something else entirely.
Ironically, I read an Op-Ed piece today in the NYT that illustrated this point better than I am tonight. So here is the link - so you can see why Mr. Brooks is paid to share his opinions and I am not . . . http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/10/opinion/10brooks.html?_r=1&em
I don't think I have blogged about this yet - but I recently (as part of my side-revolution) purchased and took an aptitude test. I was hoping to gain insight into my natural abilities but also to understand better what kind of a worker bee I am, and to determine what sorts of professional and social interactions would best sustain and fulfill me. I got my results back last week and while I haven't had my meeting with my counselor to fully analyze them, I have read this much . . . I am in the 90+ percentile for both "Analytical Reasoning" and "Diagnostic Reasoning." According to the summary of the results that I have, people are generally higher in one or the other, not both. What I know (at least superficially) about my results is that I am always trying to solve problems. Both through creating logical connections between things and by making "gut" assessments and evaluating the situation with a new solution. So in thinking about my yoga group tonight, it made sense that I have so many stories in my life because I thrive on the analysis of everything. I have often literally created meaning where the was none so that my highly reason based mind would have something to reason over. Its like I created a meaning to interpret just because my mind might have otherwise been bored. No wonder this process has been exhausting! I have so many layers of fabrication to go through!
The phrase "meaning making machine" really struck a chord. What if I step back and see how much the meaning I have derived from various situations in my life is all infused with meaning of my own creation? What if I stop and think about how much meaning I interject into each interpretation of a sequence of events? Then the rejection that I feel is valid but it is of my own creation. Like I said, I am still contemplating and chewing the cud on this one . . . . but it is definitely something to think about . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Day 30
I don't have much to say tonight. I am sore but not terribly sore. I am tired but not crazy tired. And I have been present in my life lately but not really present. I kind of felt like I was coasting through the day. Its been a fairly blissful coast. Perhaps I am letting go of some of the old resistance to past habits, perhaps I am finding joy and lightness in my own strength during my meditations and practices, or perhaps I am hitting a runner's high with the sheer amount of all this yoga . . . whatever it is, I am enjoying the ride (and, for the record, I don't even like roller coasters!) I think mostly I have been energized by feeling like I am over the 20 day hump - I know the halfway point is behind me and I know that the "being stuck" in the middle abyss of this process is now gone. I feel like I am headed somewhere now; that there is a direction and purpose to my progress.
I am headed to do my evening meditation and bed now because I have to get up early to do yoga in the morning as we have our second to last group session tomorrow - it's going to be a long day . . .
Namaste,
Clare
I am headed to do my evening meditation and bed now because I have to get up early to do yoga in the morning as we have our second to last group session tomorrow - it's going to be a long day . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Monday, November 9, 2009
Day 29
My friend Victoria "encouraged" me to post more promptly today . . . so instead of watching my beloved Daily Show I am blogging . . . harumph.
Today was a good day. After a less than stellar yogic performance this weekend I made Brad promise to get my tushie out of bed this morning and read through the yoga poses with me. And sure enough he did . . . his inner disciplinarian is kicking my inner disciplinarian's butt. It was an ok practice. I feel a bit stiff from a few days of no practice and I have never really gotten back into my breath since I got this cold thingy. I still find myself opening my mouth (gasp) to breath half way through the practice. I need to work on that . . .
I have found myself sad, however, these past few days to not be on the fruit cleanse. It has been strange, but I have realized that pretty much everything I put into my body is less "pure" than the fruit I was eating last week and I feel like I am contaminating myself. Not that I felt miraculously better after the fruit cleanse - in some ways I was disappointed that my sinus and allergy issues still persisted - but I have felt this organic energy since the fruit cleanse that I fear losing. I have felt, at times, a lightness in my being that has been really invigorating, and I am afraid that all the carbs and cheese are going to make this energy go away. So I have found myself continuing to incorporate a piece or two of fruit into my diet each day and that has been fun. If nothing else, hopefully in the long run this fruit cleanse will have re-introduced me into a food group I had all but lost. It has opened up new possibilities in my diet which is always good.
I just feel more acceptance this afternoon. Certainly this morning I was not feeling acceptance. I realized this weekend and reaffirmed this morning that I have lost the diamond necklace Brad gave me - it was a pre-engagement, engagement gift. A present that conveyed that he was never going anywhere no matter what we labeled ourselves as. When we had first discussed marriage and decided that it wasn't for us, that necklace had stood as our secret code, a symbol of the commitment we had made in our hearts to each other even if we didn't feel like announcing that feeling to the world. To lose that was very devastating - even though the loss of the necklace is totally my fault,. I have been taking off the necklace regularly for yoga and have gotten into the poor habit of stuffing the chain in my coin purse. Lately, as I have been practicing more and more, I have just stopped putting the necklace back on after each practice and have been leaving the necklace in the purse. But sadly I noticed on Sunday that the chain was no longer hiding in the bottom of the coin purse. I knew it had been an unsafe keeping place and I knew it could easily be lost. Stupid Clare. This morning when the reality of the loss sank in I was less than forgiving of myself. But as the day wore on I was able to regain perspective and composure on the situation.
It is certainly a sad day in the HahneLiffordman household but it is another shinning opportunity for me to look at my own failure squarely in the eye and I say "I love you" to myself anyway. I am still holding out hope that the necklace has run away to join my blue wedding shoes and Brad's water bottle (two items that magically disappeared after our wedding), but if not, I can be sad without beating myself up about it. I don't know where the acceptance this afternoon came from, or why I was able to let go of beating myself up, but I did -- so I am going to run with that freedom and hang on to it for dear life. Its easy to know that guilt is not a productive emotion but it is so hard to get away from it -- so run when you can!
Namaste,
Clare
Today was a good day. After a less than stellar yogic performance this weekend I made Brad promise to get my tushie out of bed this morning and read through the yoga poses with me. And sure enough he did . . . his inner disciplinarian is kicking my inner disciplinarian's butt. It was an ok practice. I feel a bit stiff from a few days of no practice and I have never really gotten back into my breath since I got this cold thingy. I still find myself opening my mouth (gasp) to breath half way through the practice. I need to work on that . . .
I have found myself sad, however, these past few days to not be on the fruit cleanse. It has been strange, but I have realized that pretty much everything I put into my body is less "pure" than the fruit I was eating last week and I feel like I am contaminating myself. Not that I felt miraculously better after the fruit cleanse - in some ways I was disappointed that my sinus and allergy issues still persisted - but I have felt this organic energy since the fruit cleanse that I fear losing. I have felt, at times, a lightness in my being that has been really invigorating, and I am afraid that all the carbs and cheese are going to make this energy go away. So I have found myself continuing to incorporate a piece or two of fruit into my diet each day and that has been fun. If nothing else, hopefully in the long run this fruit cleanse will have re-introduced me into a food group I had all but lost. It has opened up new possibilities in my diet which is always good.
I just feel more acceptance this afternoon. Certainly this morning I was not feeling acceptance. I realized this weekend and reaffirmed this morning that I have lost the diamond necklace Brad gave me - it was a pre-engagement, engagement gift. A present that conveyed that he was never going anywhere no matter what we labeled ourselves as. When we had first discussed marriage and decided that it wasn't for us, that necklace had stood as our secret code, a symbol of the commitment we had made in our hearts to each other even if we didn't feel like announcing that feeling to the world. To lose that was very devastating - even though the loss of the necklace is totally my fault,. I have been taking off the necklace regularly for yoga and have gotten into the poor habit of stuffing the chain in my coin purse. Lately, as I have been practicing more and more, I have just stopped putting the necklace back on after each practice and have been leaving the necklace in the purse. But sadly I noticed on Sunday that the chain was no longer hiding in the bottom of the coin purse. I knew it had been an unsafe keeping place and I knew it could easily be lost. Stupid Clare. This morning when the reality of the loss sank in I was less than forgiving of myself. But as the day wore on I was able to regain perspective and composure on the situation.
It is certainly a sad day in the HahneLiffordman household but it is another shinning opportunity for me to look at my own failure squarely in the eye and I say "I love you" to myself anyway. I am still holding out hope that the necklace has run away to join my blue wedding shoes and Brad's water bottle (two items that magically disappeared after our wedding), but if not, I can be sad without beating myself up about it. I don't know where the acceptance this afternoon came from, or why I was able to let go of beating myself up, but I did -- so I am going to run with that freedom and hang on to it for dear life. Its easy to know that guilt is not a productive emotion but it is so hard to get away from it -- so run when you can!
Namaste,
Clare
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Days 24, 25, 26, 27, 28?
I think somewhere I got off on the days . . crap! What day is it?
It has been a week of being in the moment and forgiving myself for my faults. It started after our group session on Wednesday with my yoga class at the studio on Thursday. I pushed myself and went to class on Thursday and lo and behold, there were only 3 other students that showed up to practice with me. It was a great class!! We ditched the usual flow routine and instead experimented with our favorite (and least favorite) poses. It was so liberating and fun! We played with frog hops, headstands, tripod handstands, alignment in forward folds and pigeon and other hip openers. We were doing things I had never done before; in fact, I spent a good bit of the class falling on my face - literally - as I tried to learn tripod headstand! Nothing was "business as usual" and in the process of letting go of my frustration that class wasn't going to be "normal" I was reminded how fun yoga can be. Turning the class on its head really focused me on letting go and being in the moment.
Something in me clicked and the joy of being present has really just stuck with me throughout the rest of this week. The teacher reminded us that when you come to your mat, you are coming to practice yoga. It's not a yoga class or a yoga lesson -- its a yoga practice. You are supposed to fail so that you can learn and grow. The art of practicing yoga (and life I suppose) is knowing how to take yourself to the edge of your potential and accepting exactly where you are, faults and all, at any given moment. If you don't fall on your face you will never learn where your edge is -- that is to say, you will never learn where that point is that is just beyond your grasp, the edge of your abilities at any given moment to fully express the pose -- but if you don't and appreciate where your edge is, you aren't accepting where you are in your ability to express that pose during that particular practice. If you can't play with your edge, as the yogis say, you will never be able to be brave enough to get into your tripod headstand because you won't be willing to risk the failure necessary to balance on your arms and get your legs up over your head, but you also are not able to be brave enough to accept that today is not a day your day for that pose in that way. Learning your edge is about challenging yourself and accepting yourself all in the same breath.
I haven't been perfect the back half of this week in my commitment to my yoga and meditation, but I am finding where my edge in my life is and embracing that. Just because I have committed to this 40 Day Journey doesn't mean that it is somehow not still a yoga practice. I am going to fail and this week I have been much more okay accepting those failures without so much guilt and shame. While I might not have succeed in the goal I set for myself to do an hour and a half of yoga each day I have succeed in other goals, and the presence to acknowledge those successes is part of this whole process.
I will continue to try to do better this week - only 2 more weeks to go - and we will see what edges in my life I run into . . .
Namaste,
Clare
PS - It occurs to me that perhaps the phrase "namaste" needs some explanation. In Sanskrit it means "may the light and divine within me, honor the light and divine within you." It is how yogis greet each other and how we close our yoga practices together. It seemed appropriate to honor the light and divine within each of you as you read this blog and help honor the light and divine within me as I go through this journey. Thank you and namaste.
It has been a week of being in the moment and forgiving myself for my faults. It started after our group session on Wednesday with my yoga class at the studio on Thursday. I pushed myself and went to class on Thursday and lo and behold, there were only 3 other students that showed up to practice with me. It was a great class!! We ditched the usual flow routine and instead experimented with our favorite (and least favorite) poses. It was so liberating and fun! We played with frog hops, headstands, tripod handstands, alignment in forward folds and pigeon and other hip openers. We were doing things I had never done before; in fact, I spent a good bit of the class falling on my face - literally - as I tried to learn tripod headstand! Nothing was "business as usual" and in the process of letting go of my frustration that class wasn't going to be "normal" I was reminded how fun yoga can be. Turning the class on its head really focused me on letting go and being in the moment.
Something in me clicked and the joy of being present has really just stuck with me throughout the rest of this week. The teacher reminded us that when you come to your mat, you are coming to practice yoga. It's not a yoga class or a yoga lesson -- its a yoga practice. You are supposed to fail so that you can learn and grow. The art of practicing yoga (and life I suppose) is knowing how to take yourself to the edge of your potential and accepting exactly where you are, faults and all, at any given moment. If you don't fall on your face you will never learn where your edge is -- that is to say, you will never learn where that point is that is just beyond your grasp, the edge of your abilities at any given moment to fully express the pose -- but if you don't and appreciate where your edge is, you aren't accepting where you are in your ability to express that pose during that particular practice. If you can't play with your edge, as the yogis say, you will never be able to be brave enough to get into your tripod headstand because you won't be willing to risk the failure necessary to balance on your arms and get your legs up over your head, but you also are not able to be brave enough to accept that today is not a day your day for that pose in that way. Learning your edge is about challenging yourself and accepting yourself all in the same breath.
I haven't been perfect the back half of this week in my commitment to my yoga and meditation, but I am finding where my edge in my life is and embracing that. Just because I have committed to this 40 Day Journey doesn't mean that it is somehow not still a yoga practice. I am going to fail and this week I have been much more okay accepting those failures without so much guilt and shame. While I might not have succeed in the goal I set for myself to do an hour and a half of yoga each day I have succeed in other goals, and the presence to acknowledge those successes is part of this whole process.
I will continue to try to do better this week - only 2 more weeks to go - and we will see what edges in my life I run into . . .
Namaste,
Clare
PS - It occurs to me that perhaps the phrase "namaste" needs some explanation. In Sanskrit it means "may the light and divine within me, honor the light and divine within you." It is how yogis greet each other and how we close our yoga practices together. It seemed appropriate to honor the light and divine within each of you as you read this blog and help honor the light and divine within me as I go through this journey. Thank you and namaste.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Day 23
Again, a day late with this one - sorry guys! It has been a crazy few days at work and I haven't really had time to post much in the evenings since I have been doing yoga after work.
Last night we had our weekly group session and talked a lot about our "lies" and our "exit doors." The lies are the root feelings and beliefs that you have that you believe are true but are not because you are fundamentally perfect the way you are. Beliefs such as: I am not lovable; I am not good enough; and I am angry at myself. What happens is that you live your life out of that belief system, then when you interact with people you find yourself in situations that reinforce that perception of yours, so then you have an escape route so as to get away from those feelings.
For example, one of the lies I shared was the lie that I am always angry. I am always angry in large part because I am disappointed in people -both myself and others. I believe that if I hold onto a person or a situation long enough they (or it) will change. If I was good enough/smart enough/worked hard enough I could figure out a way to make that person or situation better and then all would be happy. Well, life doesn't work like that. What happens is that the people and situations that I cling to, that I try to wait out and work through, don't fix, then I get angry and disappointed, and then I begin to ignore and belittle my needs, still in an effort to remedy the situation. Instead of saying to a mean friend "hey you're a jerk, you never return my calls, and now that you finally want to hang out, I have other can't," I push aside my previously scheduled plans so that I can hang out with said mean friend because maybe, just maybe, if I work really hard, they will like me.
Wow - it sounds kind of pitiful to write it all out like that. But it was really interesting to see how many lies and how many exit doors we all have, and as members of the group shared, it was bizzarly comforting to see how many of our lies are similar. So many of us feel unlovable, unworthy, unappreciated, not good enough. . . and so many of us have the same exit doors - although they seemed to go one of two ways - either try harder or run away from the situation. The fight or flight instinct I suppose.
It was a good group. My one little mini-breakthrough was an observation that a fellow yogi made; she said, "you are willing to quit on yourself but not on anyone else." I am not fully sure why that is yet, but it rung very true and struck a little too close to home. As I have shared in this blog, it has been very hard for me to stick with the yoga and meditations. I have quit on myself a lot, usually at the last minute I just sort of give up because mostly I am too tired or, sometimes, because I am too busy. I am not quite sure how my fellow yogi's observation about my behavior relates to my "lies" but it is another iteration of my "exit door" and that was very clear to me!
Tonight I will try to write more about the end of this fruit fast which has been really cool - everyone should try it once! Until then . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Last night we had our weekly group session and talked a lot about our "lies" and our "exit doors." The lies are the root feelings and beliefs that you have that you believe are true but are not because you are fundamentally perfect the way you are. Beliefs such as: I am not lovable; I am not good enough; and I am angry at myself. What happens is that you live your life out of that belief system, then when you interact with people you find yourself in situations that reinforce that perception of yours, so then you have an escape route so as to get away from those feelings.
For example, one of the lies I shared was the lie that I am always angry. I am always angry in large part because I am disappointed in people -both myself and others. I believe that if I hold onto a person or a situation long enough they (or it) will change. If I was good enough/smart enough/worked hard enough I could figure out a way to make that person or situation better and then all would be happy. Well, life doesn't work like that. What happens is that the people and situations that I cling to, that I try to wait out and work through, don't fix, then I get angry and disappointed, and then I begin to ignore and belittle my needs, still in an effort to remedy the situation. Instead of saying to a mean friend "hey you're a jerk, you never return my calls, and now that you finally want to hang out, I have other can't," I push aside my previously scheduled plans so that I can hang out with said mean friend because maybe, just maybe, if I work really hard, they will like me.
Wow - it sounds kind of pitiful to write it all out like that. But it was really interesting to see how many lies and how many exit doors we all have, and as members of the group shared, it was bizzarly comforting to see how many of our lies are similar. So many of us feel unlovable, unworthy, unappreciated, not good enough. . . and so many of us have the same exit doors - although they seemed to go one of two ways - either try harder or run away from the situation. The fight or flight instinct I suppose.
It was a good group. My one little mini-breakthrough was an observation that a fellow yogi made; she said, "you are willing to quit on yourself but not on anyone else." I am not fully sure why that is yet, but it rung very true and struck a little too close to home. As I have shared in this blog, it has been very hard for me to stick with the yoga and meditations. I have quit on myself a lot, usually at the last minute I just sort of give up because mostly I am too tired or, sometimes, because I am too busy. I am not quite sure how my fellow yogi's observation about my behavior relates to my "lies" but it is another iteration of my "exit door" and that was very clear to me!
Tonight I will try to write more about the end of this fruit fast which has been really cool - everyone should try it once! Until then . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Day 22
A bit late on this post . . .
I can't decide if I should be proud of myself for my amazingly strong mind that can argue my way into and out of a paper bag, or curse my mind for being so good at mentally convincing me that I don't want to do what it is I say I want to do. Gahh. If nothing else in life, I can say I am good at arguing myself out of (and perhaps into) things.
I have not been very good with my yoga these last few days and have missed more days than I want to admit. Sometimes life has gotten legitimately in the way - like when we had to go to the Urgent Care on Friday because Brad gotten bitten by a dog - but most of the time I haven't been practicing because I have been too busy making excuses in my head as to why I can't. Mostly its because "I don't have time" or "I am too tired" (this is a big one). I have been fixated on going to yoga classes at the studio (since evidentally I paid for an unlimited amount of them) and thats one reason why I haven't been getting my yoga in - I keep blaming my schedule not jiving with the studio's schedule. Just another "story" as they say in group. I need to suck it up, take more responsibility, and just get the yoga done. I need to shut off the voice in the mind (my little monster) and act from an authentic place - not the place of guilt or shame or resentment that the voice in mind is winning, and that I am failing at this. If that means I get the yoga done, which I can do regardless of the excuses I keep coming up with, great. If I can't do my yoga then I need to forgive myself, brush myself off, and try again the next day.
As Baron says "Drop your brain, drop your expectations, and just let go and flow"
I can't decide if I should be proud of myself for my amazingly strong mind that can argue my way into and out of a paper bag, or curse my mind for being so good at mentally convincing me that I don't want to do what it is I say I want to do. Gahh. If nothing else in life, I can say I am good at arguing myself out of (and perhaps into) things.
I have not been very good with my yoga these last few days and have missed more days than I want to admit. Sometimes life has gotten legitimately in the way - like when we had to go to the Urgent Care on Friday because Brad gotten bitten by a dog - but most of the time I haven't been practicing because I have been too busy making excuses in my head as to why I can't. Mostly its because "I don't have time" or "I am too tired" (this is a big one). I have been fixated on going to yoga classes at the studio (since evidentally I paid for an unlimited amount of them) and thats one reason why I haven't been getting my yoga in - I keep blaming my schedule not jiving with the studio's schedule. Just another "story" as they say in group. I need to suck it up, take more responsibility, and just get the yoga done. I need to shut off the voice in the mind (my little monster) and act from an authentic place - not the place of guilt or shame or resentment that the voice in mind is winning, and that I am failing at this. If that means I get the yoga done, which I can do regardless of the excuses I keep coming up with, great. If I can't do my yoga then I need to forgive myself, brush myself off, and try again the next day.
As Baron says "Drop your brain, drop your expectations, and just let go and flow"
Monday, November 2, 2009
Day 21
Today was the first day of the fruit fast and, so far, so good. I feel a little bit like the caterpillar in the children's book - the one who keeps eating and eating more fruit as the days go on - turns out he is eating so much so he can store up his energy and spin a cocoon and become a butterfly. Maybe after these three days I will transform into a butterfly too? Its a thought. In any case, I feel like I am eating a lot but honestly, not as much as I expected. Today's fruit count: 2 avocados, 1 1/2 tomatoes, 1 (giant) apple, 1 pear, 1 banana, 1 1/4 cups pineapple, 1/2 cup raspberries, and 16 oz miso soup . . . ok it sounds like a lot more when you write it all out haha. I haven't really been as hungry as I thought I would be but my stomach has been making some different gurgling noises and I feel really bloated. I imagine this is just part of the process; so no judgment.
I am definitely struggling with the meditation part of this process. In general the time commitment has been hard but especially the meditation. I am finding it a bit harder to commit to sitting still for now 20 minutes twice a day than it is to commit to doing a physical activity like yoga. I also worry that I might be starting to fall asleep while I meditate? I just feel so lulled away by the time the buzzer goes off and today, after my morning meditation, I was so so sleepy! It felt like I had been woken up in the middle of a nap. Boo. I am going to try harder tomorrow to get the meditation done pre-shower so that maybe the morning routine will wake me up more so I am not so sleepy. I have lots to do tomorrow already on my desk!
My parting thought for the evening is this -- ever notice how when you try to avoid something in pops up in your face? I have never been a sweets person, I don't even have food cravings really, but today all I could think about was what food I wanted. I wanted chocolate, candy, gum, mints, chips, even nuts. Anything that I knew was in reach I was tempted to grab. I ended up munching on my apple all afternoon as a way to almost suppress the cravings for non-fruit food. It was hilarious in some ways how my mind was bound and determined to get me to go back to my normal routine; to give up on what this fruit fast and return to its comfort zone of carbs, Coke, and protein . . . mmmm protein. Ever seen those Weight Watchers commercials with the little orange monster that represents your inner cravings and the voice you need to silence? Mine wasn't as cute but as equally hilarious in its efforts to get its way. Hmmm what should I name him/her? I have a feeling he/she will be back again tomorrow. I must be n the lookout.
Namaste,
Clare
I am definitely struggling with the meditation part of this process. In general the time commitment has been hard but especially the meditation. I am finding it a bit harder to commit to sitting still for now 20 minutes twice a day than it is to commit to doing a physical activity like yoga. I also worry that I might be starting to fall asleep while I meditate? I just feel so lulled away by the time the buzzer goes off and today, after my morning meditation, I was so so sleepy! It felt like I had been woken up in the middle of a nap. Boo. I am going to try harder tomorrow to get the meditation done pre-shower so that maybe the morning routine will wake me up more so I am not so sleepy. I have lots to do tomorrow already on my desk!
My parting thought for the evening is this -- ever notice how when you try to avoid something in pops up in your face? I have never been a sweets person, I don't even have food cravings really, but today all I could think about was what food I wanted. I wanted chocolate, candy, gum, mints, chips, even nuts. Anything that I knew was in reach I was tempted to grab. I ended up munching on my apple all afternoon as a way to almost suppress the cravings for non-fruit food. It was hilarious in some ways how my mind was bound and determined to get me to go back to my normal routine; to give up on what this fruit fast and return to its comfort zone of carbs, Coke, and protein . . . mmmm protein. Ever seen those Weight Watchers commercials with the little orange monster that represents your inner cravings and the voice you need to silence? Mine wasn't as cute but as equally hilarious in its efforts to get its way. Hmmm what should I name him/her? I have a feeling he/she will be back again tomorrow. I must be n the lookout.
Namaste,
Clare
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Day 20
Wow -- how did we get to Day 20 already? I can't believe it has gone by so fast. They say it takes 20 days to break a habit so it will be interesting to sit and reflect a bit on what patterns and habits in my life have changed over the last three weeks. I know some things much be changing because today, even though I had friends coming over to watch football with us, I left to go do my yoga at the studio. I was so proud of myself and amazed in some ways by how little resistance there was to skipping my usual butt-on-couch-beer-in-hand football watching. Yes, I didn't really want to go and needed a brief push out the door from Brad, but I didn't have such an inner dialogue about how I shouldn't or couldn't go to the class. Yeah!
I also did 5 Wheels in class today!!! (See http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4869895/151204-main_Full.jpg if you don't know what Wheel pose is) I was totally psyched - I have never managed more than 3 wheels in any class. I also went to the studio for class on Saturday and learned Bird of Paradise (See http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3208/3141250027_0627661ce9.jpg) which I had never done before. So it was a week full of firsts in yoga - of finding my strength even though I felt like I had done most of this week half-heartedly. Its true what everyone has been saying, so many of the obstacles and problems in life are purely mental. You don't really believe, or even want to believe, how strong you really are. I am not quite sure what I gain by not believing fully in myself. I spend so much time and energy reminding myself of my failures and remembering how I am not capable to do whatever it is that is set out before me -- whether we are talking about a pose in yoga or a challenge at work. I am not sure what the doubt does to serve me -- so many of us have it -- how does it serve any of us? I have been journaling a lot about this. Trying to figure out how leading my life with so much fear and doubt is getting me to the life that I want to lead. If I gain any insight I will be sure to let you all know ;)
Tomorrow starts the 3 day fruit fast - I only get to eat fruit: berries, apples, melons, bananas, pears etc. I am both terrified at how hungry I may be and exhilarated at how purifying everyone says this type of cleanse is. I will keep you posted.
Namaste,
Clare
I also did 5 Wheels in class today!!! (See http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4869895/151204-main_Full.jpg if you don't know what Wheel pose is) I was totally psyched - I have never managed more than 3 wheels in any class. I also went to the studio for class on Saturday and learned Bird of Paradise (See http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3208/3141250027_0627661ce9.jpg) which I had never done before. So it was a week full of firsts in yoga - of finding my strength even though I felt like I had done most of this week half-heartedly. Its true what everyone has been saying, so many of the obstacles and problems in life are purely mental. You don't really believe, or even want to believe, how strong you really are. I am not quite sure what I gain by not believing fully in myself. I spend so much time and energy reminding myself of my failures and remembering how I am not capable to do whatever it is that is set out before me -- whether we are talking about a pose in yoga or a challenge at work. I am not sure what the doubt does to serve me -- so many of us have it -- how does it serve any of us? I have been journaling a lot about this. Trying to figure out how leading my life with so much fear and doubt is getting me to the life that I want to lead. If I gain any insight I will be sure to let you all know ;)
Tomorrow starts the 3 day fruit fast - I only get to eat fruit: berries, apples, melons, bananas, pears etc. I am both terrified at how hungry I may be and exhilarated at how purifying everyone says this type of cleanse is. I will keep you posted.
Namaste,
Clare
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