Saturday, October 31, 2009

This is my yoga thought and inspiration for the day . . .

If you don't bring intentions to these actions, then they are nothing but punishments.  --Jillian Michaels (from the Biggest Loser)

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Namaste,
Clare

Friday, October 30, 2009

Day 19

Well I think this week has been a bit of a roller coaster.  We had some really down days and some really up days.  Some days where I had no clue where I was going and days where I felt sure I knew what this journey was about.  There has certainly been an oscillation of all these emotions.  Today is a bit of a mulligan.  My plan to do yoga this evening after work was sidelined when Brad was bitten by a neighbor's dog.  A trip to the Urgent Care, some antibiotics, and a tetanus shot later, he's no worse for wear.  But at 11pm I am not about to start yoga for the day.

As I near the 20 day mark (the amount of time which it takes to break a habit, according to adage) I have certainly been struggling with resistance to this process.  I want to quit - it doesn't seem worth it - it takes too much effort - I am not getting anything out of this - all of these tapes have been running through my head this week.  And in truth, I have failed quite a bit at breaking the habits that I have.  My lizard brain - that part of your brain which even some of the earliest animals known to man had, which gravitates toward the tried and true - has definitely been winning this week, as I stick with what I know because in some ways it has helped me survive this far so it must be working, right?  Wrong!  My brother and I had a long conversation about this type of lethargy tonight - he told me abut an experiment where dogs lying on a floor that was electrocuted stayed put, despite the discomfort, even when given an option to escape to a non-electrocuted space, because there was comfort even in the uncomfortable place they were laying.  Anyone else ever heard of this study?  It fascinates me that there really is such a strong force inside of us that keeps us stuck where we are, regardless of an acknowledgment that we are in pain, because there is comfort in the known and familiar. 

I spent a lot of the day looking up quotes and stories about responsibility and self motivation - I felt like I needed a little reminder why we push ourselves to anything and why being committed to listening to the little voice in your head is important.  It was really empowering and I appreciated the struggle that everyone has with keeping one's self going.  There are two that I really liked:  "Stay committed to your decisions but flexible to your approach" -Tom Robbins.  Which reminded me to have more forgiveness to myself as I continue on this process.  Yes my approach is not spot on per Baron's guidelines every day, but I am struggling to find myself, and in that struggle I have to be sure I honor what will work for me.  It helped me forgive myself for being more lackadaisical on yoga because I have been spending a lot more time journaling and thinking about what is going on in my life that got me to this place. 

The second quote I really liked is:  "You are responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.  You are responsible for your rose."  -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery.  This quote is from The Little Prince for those of you who have not read the book, which is about a prince who wanders the galaxies. The rose is the Prince's true love but they are star-crossed, to be cheesy.  The idea of 'taming' the flower is a bit of an awkward translation -- the flower is coquettish and plays hard to get, and initially spurs the Prince's love, which causes him to leave his home planet.  His thoughts often go back to her and in the end the Prince realizes that in loving the flower, in taming her, he has been able to love her and realize that his rose is unique among all the flowers in the world because he loves her.  As I read this quote earlier today I was struck by the idea that we are our own roses.  This process makes us come to grips with and tame our own true selves and in the end, once we are out there, naked and exposed, we have only ourselves left to be responsible for.  This idea that once you really truly love someone you are responsible for them struck me as being more true when applied to our love and commitment to ourselves than to anyone (or anything) else.

Tomorrow is another day and I keeping going.  Onward and upward . . . 


Namaste,
Clare

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Day 18

Tonight when I had a breakdown over running too late and missing yoga class I was reminded of an expression my Mom often says: "If you can't get out of it, get into it."  An embrace of the fact that things may be wretched, things may be tough, you all-in-all might not like the situation, but if you can't remove yourself or get away from it, you just have to accept it.  I was not as committed to my practice and this process today as I want to be, but I have to accept that, and get into the resistance that I have had to getting it done.

My Father-In-Law (oohh that's weird to write out) informs me that in Police training the concept is called "failing-forward."  I think Baron would like that name because it acknowledges both the success and the short-comings of this process.  While on the one hand I am proud of how I have stuck with this journey, I am also dismayed by how much I have faltered.  Both physical fatigue and mental resistance have made this process arduous.  It really is amazing, when you sit back and look at it, how much we let the internal monologue in our head run our lives -- no matter how illogical it may be at times.  I have felt at times like this process has made me have multiple personalities -- Lazy Clare, Motivated Clare, Zen Clare etc.  they are all me but not entirely.

Baron's second law of transformation is to "be willing to come part."  The idea being that just as we are about to encounter change within ourselves, when the little voice says "I can't continue this way," another little voice within us panics.  Change is uncomfortable and most of the time we'd rather wallow in our unhappiness because it is familar, safe, and known.  While I have not been under the illusion of late that everything is ok, I think in my 'logical mind' my dialogue abut how it is not ok is another way to control the situation.  I can articulate to a-tee everything that is wrong with my life and what I wish would be; what I could/should/would do with myself.  So I think I must be just on the verge of coming apart because I am all about control today.  I am not letting the nature flow of the universe work because I am too busy telling it what is and isn't so.  Change is a huge buzzword lately, especially given that it was a recent campaign slogan.  But we all want to be in charge of the change.  Gandhi has a quote about 'being the change you wish to see in the world,' which I love as a sentiment, but I read that as also retaining some element of control.  Like you know what change is best for the world?  Perhaps you do - or I do - or anyone does.  But perhaps we don't.  Perhaps we have to come undone and let some universal energy (whatever or whomever that may be) guide us to whatever change it is we need.

 I have to remind myself that continuing to live through this journey and examining how and why I am where I am IS the point of the process.   It is both an acknowledgment of the successes and the failures that I have.  I am not in complete control but I can admit that and I can keep going forward.

I am all about the inspirational quotes tonight . . . any good ones that keep you motivated or remind you to smile when things get tough?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Day 16

Wahoo!  I think today's revelation is that oftentimes things are not as hard as you make them out to be.  You spend so much time fussing about how you don't have time to do something that you have spent all your energy fussing (or fussin' as the Southerns would say) and no time doing the thing.  I also spend a lot of time planning to do great things (or fixin' to do them) and then I run out of steam.  Well today, the stars aligned or something, and I just shut up and did some things.  Not big things - I paid the bills, sent a couple of links to Brad of apartment ideas in Maryland, made some phone calls.  I took half of an aptitude test (so I can find out what I am really good at so I can be a better worker-bee) that I had been putting off for two weeks because it takes three hours to do - so I just sat down and decided to do half instead of just bemoaning how I never have three uninterrupted hours.  But it felt good to take actions and opposed to wallowing away at my desk hoping someone has work for me to do and reading the same Balloon Boy and John and Kate Plus Eight gossip stories over and over again (ps apparently OctoMom has a crush on John!? the world is a strange place . . . )

Today I dragged myself to a yoga class in the studio for the first time during this whole journey.  Evidently, I have paid for unlimited yoga classes during this 40 days when I signed up for this program (who knew?).  I was fading over the weekend in my gusto to continue with this journey, so I halfheartedly texted my friend Rebecca and asked her if she would come with me to a yoga class to keep me motivated.  She lives in DC and the class is at 7:45pm at night so I was sure she was going to say no . . . ha! maybe my asking her was even a way to 'blame' her and not take responsibility for committing to my own practice . . . anyway, I knew if I had actual peer pressure and a play-date I couldn't just cave and quit. Well it worked, Rebecca graciously agreed (she's studying to be a yoga instructor so I think she was just curious to see what I had gotten myself into) and the class was great!  It wasn't a very 'beginners' beginners class, but Rebecca kept up, and in fact, so did I!  I felt like my heart was beaming during a good part of the class I was so proud of myself.  It was very cool to see how much my at-home practices had taught me about being in my own skin.  I understood the pace of the class better now, so I could focus on alignment and positions in a new way. I was surprised to see how strong I had gotten in some poses and how I wasn't totally dying after the fast-paced Sun Salutations.  The instructor was cracking jokes and we laughed a lot as a class.  It was very refreshing to be so joyful in yoga.  Remember, as the yogis' say, all suffering is optional. 

I am probably going to be incredibly sore tomorrow -- but I don't even care. It was great to have the heat of the yoga studio relax my muscles and since I now know I have unlimited classes I will definitely go back more frequently.  I have already proven to myself that I don't need the studio to do this - I am strong enough to do it alone - its just more fun to have the support of the class, and it allows me to go deeper into my practice having them talk me through the alignment of the poses.

Ok, Brad has something AMAZING smelling in the oven so I am going to go eat!  More on the food tomorrow . . .

Namaste,
Clare

Monday, October 26, 2009

Day 15

Today was about things on this journey that don't make sense.  This morning while I was meditating - the time has now been bumped up to 15 minutes by the way, which feels like forever!!  - I actually started to panic that I was going to suffocate.  I mean, how backwards is that?  I was sitting there focusing on my breathe worried that I wasn't getting enough air?  This week in meditation we are encouraged not to move during meditation - to just let the itches and twitches and such pass and to sit with the sensations in our body.  Succumbing to these minor distractions is a way of not being present and allows our body to resist that which we are setting our mind to do.  So I am sitting there, trying not to move, feeling like I am going to suffocate (which I know in my head is illogical) saying "Clare just don't open your mouth."  Its laughable now.  But I had to try so hard not to panic during my meditation.  Oh resistance - you entertain me.

And now for something completely different . . . .

So can someone explain how fish soaked in butter and parsley can have absolutely no taste?  That was how the night's adventure with Julia ended up... It was my first attempt at poaching fish (well poaching anything, to be honest!), and again Clare and I ate something that resembled edible food.  Unfortunately, flavor was absolutely lacking.  I made a reduction of the white wine, shallots and chicken stock that the fish cooked in and I added butter and parsley after it was the consistency of syrup, but it definitely needed something else.  The fish itself was fresh (Sole, in case you were wondering) so it wasn't a case of bad fish, just the seasoning was very bland.  Maybe I'll try a different herb like chives or tarragon next time.  C'est la vie. C'est le guerre.  Tomorrow is another day and another recipe!  --B 

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Day 13

Ugh.  Today's practice was hard. It all is sort of coming crashing in on me - have I mentioned I am supposed to be journaling (not publicly I don't imagine) and be conscientious of my diet on this program as well? I have not been very focused on that part of the "revolution." Fail.  And while I thought I was proving something to myself by doing my yoga practices all alone at home, today I am totally rethinking that.  The first week of yoga was easy and shorter and this week Brad had been reading the poses aloud since I was having such a hard time breathing with this chest-cold thing.  But tonight I was feeling better so I tried to practice again on my own. 

I realized that while the solitude of an at home practice is comforting because you explore your body in the poses in different ways, I am not getting the workout or building the same strength that I would be if I had been practicing in a studio.  I am also not feeling the energy of everyone around me to help me through the rigorous practice, because there is no one around me. It felt isolating; and not in a good way.  So today, when I tried to get into wheel, which is the culmination of your practice . . . I fell totally flat.  My arms were uninspired and my legs were useless and I just couldn't will my body to do it.  I tried three times and then I gave up - which was upsetting.

I don't know if this is just resistance to the process or what?  They say it takes 20 days to break a habit.  As I approach that benchmark maybe I am just trying to sabotage myself so that I don't change and the old habits prevail?  I feel like I am maybe in that Mucinex commercial where the green Mucus-guys have moved into the person's chest and are making themselves at home, and when he Mucinex kicks in and their stuff starts falling in around them, they hang on for dear life.  Maybe that's just because I have been taking a lot of Mucinex for this cold?  But somehow it seems appropriate.  I know change is hard but I guess I didn't realize it was hard and lonely.

Whether I am self-sabotaging or not, today I felt totally depressed practicing on my own.  I felt weak and like I was cheating somehow but not holding the poses long enough, or doing them in the right order, or forgetting to do something somewhere along the way.  I feel like I have ill-prepared myself for this process.  I didn't carve out time or space in my life for this journey either physically or mentally.  I thought at first that was a smart way not to psych myself out of embarking on this adventure but now I feel a bit like I am treading water in the middle of an ocean. I am not swimming anywhere, so I am somewhere in the middle, half-assing the process.  I am supposed to be rescuing myself and I don't really have my whole head and heart in the game.

I am going to chalk up this negativity to the fact that its the 13th day of the process - and 13 is an unlucky number.  Tomorrow is another day and I will keep going forward.  I will not let the green mucus-men of my old habits hang-on and keep my life where it is.  Their time has come and the had better pack their bags!  I am going to cough their slimy-mucus ways up and out of my life and then breathe easier . . . sorry . . . its a gross metaphor but now I can't get those guys from the commercial out of my head!  And with that said, I am going to go take some more drugs, slather some Vicks on myself and try to get rid of this cold.  Because it seems as if I have enough mental resistance to this journey I don't need any more grief from my body in the way of physical resistance. 

Namaste,
Clare

Friday, October 23, 2009

Day 12

So I remember now why they encourage you to do your yoga practice first thing in the morning . . . It doesn't have to do with the fact that once its done you don't have to worry about it for the rest of the day, or worry that your life will get in the way of getting your practice in - although those are good reasons.  Your supposed to do your practice first thing in the morning because your stomach is empty!

Oh, how I forgot the nasty feeling of doing yoga with a fully belly.  Because Baron's practice is about building "internal heat" to sweat out the toxins, resistance, yucky-stuff etc, it is best advised to do the practice on an empty stomach where there is nothing rumbling around in the tummy.  Since you are squeezing and stretching your belly through these poses as you heat it up your body with your breathe everything in your system gets, well, rather hot and bothered -- including any food in your belly which needs your stomach acid to break it down.  Two cosmos and a burrito later I feel dizzy, out of breath, and sick to my stomach.  Nothing like a bunch of guacamole-flavored belches to remind you that procrastinating yoga does not serve you well.  Yuck.  Not to mention being dehydrated, as two cosmos can do to you, makes you incredibly thirsty as your are sweating through the poses.  Thank goodness I wasn't actually being so foolish in the heated studio - which only increases these food induced ailments and makes you feel even more gross!

Lesson learned --  Booze + Mexican Food + Yoga = Bad News Bears!

. . . . perhaps I can figure out how to discipline myself after all? Or maybe I am just good at self-inflicting punishment haha!  In either case, I am taking a bottle of water and heading to bed now.  No more yoga after 9pm!

Namaste,
Clare

Day 11

A few hours late on yesterday's post - sorry folks.

I have been thinking a lot about the concept of discipline lately.  How is it that people force themselves to work out everyday? To get up every morning to do something which is in large part unnecessary to their daily survival just because they said they would.  That kind of commitment baffles me.  Is that kind of discipline just innate in some people more so than others? As animals, why do humans even have the capability for discipline? I am reminded of various kung-fu/Rocky type movies where the hero seems to be unflappable in his pursuit of skill, inner peace, and fine-tuning his god-like strength. 

I don't so much have the Rocky discipline but wonder where one finds it? Or maybe its why one finds it?  While in some respects I have been surprised at my own ability to stick out this process as long as I have, I am also disappointed in my own lack of discipline.  I don't so much spring out of bed every morning with meditation and yoga on the brain.  Sometimes I drag myself and get it done in the wee hours of the day.  But most mornings I have been cramming my meditation in (sometimes doing so on the Metro) and then coming home and trying to make a space in the evening hours for the yoga.  The pre-bedtime meditation has been the easiest part thus far!  I don't want to take away the fact that I have, for the most part, gotten the practices and meditation in -- I don't want to dis-empower myself or minimize that success-- but I am surprised by how erratic everything has been.  For a girl who likes routine so much, who finds comfort in TV schedules because they seem to bring a consistency and order to a life that otherwise often feels out of control, I have been really lacking the discipline I imagined I would have to make this journey fit into some sort of routine in my life.

So where does discipline come from? Does it come from the ancients beliefs that it made you closer to god? Is it an inherent part of our DNA as human beings? Why, or perhaps more importantly, how do we discipline ourselves?  What motivates you to keep going without falling victim to some negative internal dialogue where you beat up on yourself for failing to meet some goal you set-out for yourself?  Just wondering :)

Ok, off to work - more tonight!

Namaste,
Clare

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Day 10

Well, lets just say group was really hard tonight.   We talked a lot about who we blame in our lives - our parents, our coworkers, our siblings, our husbands/wives . . . ourselves.   I was so thrown-off by my own connotations with the word 'blame' that I had to look it up when I got home to better understand the session.  According to the dictionary blame, originally from the Latin, means (1) To hold responsible, (2) To find fault with; censure, or (3) To place responsibility for (something). 

The way I was thinking of 'blame' was in terms of anger at someone for the mistakes they made; holding them responsible for some fault of theirs. But tonight we discussed the term 'blame' in terms of blaming people because they don't have the answers we need, because they won't give us what we want from them.  So its not so much some failure on their part as it is us hanging our hats on a hook they don't belong on.  I asked today in group how I can stay present in my meditations more, noting that when I just sit and accept my thoughts the buzzer has gone off and my time is over and I wasn't able to calm my mind and come back to my breath.  A discussion commenced on how I really knew the answer all along and that I was hiding behind this question; how I was blaming the group leader for not answering my question, for not giving me a solution to the problem I was creating.  The conversation was rough.  Nothing like coming to the brink of tears in front of a room full of almost-strangers because you seem to be the only person in the room who doesn't understand something -- yeah, awful middle school memories flooding in.

In the end, instead of hunkering down, doing my meditation, and being present, I was intellectualizing it, asking questions, and then being frustrated when the person I had reached out to for "help" wasn't giving me any guidance.  I simply had to realize that sitting there, dedicating the time each day to the meditation, was "doing the meditation."  That was enough [period].  And by focusing on the "how can I do this better" questions I was dis-empowering myself instead of empowering myself by acknowledging that I was in fact doing it all along.   

The group leader made an interesting metaphor again this week -- she stood up in the room and with one foot held to the floor by an invisible nail.  She spun her body around her foot, almost walking in a circle, and over and over she recited the typical excuses of why people say they are stuck and can't change - my job, my wife/husband, my kids, my parents etc., etc., etc. and then what they try to do to change - therapy, pills, yoga, etc. etc. each time feigning like she was trying to break free from the circle she was spinning in but couldn't because the one foot was still nailed to the floor.  As a society we spend so much time trying to fix ourselves by fixing all of the people and situations around us -- funny thing is, no one talks about the nail that is holding the one foot down; the nail that is causing you to spin around in a circle, keeping you trapped in the first place.  I don't know what the nail is that is keeping me spinning in circles, unable to break free, but something struck a chord with me tonight when I got so mad at the leader for suggesting that I was angry at her for not answering my question because by blaming her I was refusing to take responsibility for my own predicament with my own meditation.  I am not quite there yet, but it was one of those moments when you're know you are so close - when you can maybe, almost see the light - metaphorically speaking, of course.

Just to stay honest: morning meditation, albeit on the Metro, check.  Yoga this afternoon at home with Brad calling the poses to me, still with the reduced vinyasas because I can hardly breathe, check.  Evening meditation - well that's next - it is way past my usual bedtime!

Adventures with Julia Child will be back soon.  My Brother has been in town visiting this week and Brad has been a bit distracted by the xbox/wii/ps2 partner - they're saving the planet from aliens and zombies and such, so I just don't ask questions.

More tomorrow!
Namaste,
Clare

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Day 9

So I still feel like crap.  I slept in this morning and skipped my morning meditation in lieu of some more zzzs under the influence of a good bit of over the counter drugs.  It was worth it I think.  My sore throat has slightly lessened as the day has gone by.  The less worse sore throat has been replaced however by a more clogged head.  Boo. 

I have no major revelations or words of wisdom for today.  I am just trying to keep my head held upright as I fight off this cold-thingy-yet-to-be-named because I don't really want to acknowledge its existence or let it slow me down.  I did however will myself to do more or less a complete yoga practice tonight -- I only did one round of the Sun Salutations as opposed to the usual 3, but I made my body go through all of the prescribed movements at least once, so I feel good about that.  Brad helped me tonight and read the poses aloud so that I could just focus on breathing - or trying to breath - as the case was.  It was really nice.  Before this whole process I had never done yoga outside a Baptiste studio really (I don't really count the couple of gym classes in college that I did, for the record) so exploring the differences in how I feel in home practice, with no heat, and today with Brad reading aloud to me have been really interesting.  Even though I've done the poses time and time before each time I am finding something new in my body each time.  My legs ache in different places, I feel the stretching in different places, some times I can do something and others days I can't.  The lack of heat and humidity in my house versus the studio definitely has me feeling the poses in new ways.  It's just interesting.  I try not to judge but just notice it.

I am glad I pushed myself to do the yoga, as my breathing seems to have cleared up even more, which is happy.  Off to go take some more drugs and do my meditation for the night.  Hopefully tomorrow morning I will feel well enough to do my yoga in the morning - which is the routine I was aiming to follow the last two days haha!

Namaste,
~Clare

Monday, October 19, 2009

Day 8

Ok, so lets be real, yesterday was hard.  Its easier to do the blog posting when I haven't done the days yoga.  After eating junky food for two days I felt like . . . well, junk.  My yoga practice was hard.  I didn't feel connected to my body or my breath.  I was mad and distracted and fell on my butt trying to get up into thunderbolt. - my pride was hurt but nothing else.  Boo. I am not sure if it was just because it was so late in the day and I was perhaps a bit drunk and full of crappy, greasy food, or if it was because I was coming down with this cold thing I have now.  In any case, it was a hard practice to get through.

Today has not fared much better -- which is a bummer because today starts the beginning of Week 2.   I have some sort of wonderful head cold going on - boo - which is making me feel very woozy, so I am calling today my day off for the week (boo - that was not the plan) and hoping if I go to bed now I will feel better enough by tomorrow to continue with the journey.  My meditation went well this morning though - I tried sitting in a position our teacher showed us last week - which was very grounding.  So that was good. 

I am trying to stay positive through this cold-sinus-infection-thingy-yet-to-be-named because I don't want to believe that its a real ailment, because then I might have to acknowledge that I brought this on myself.  Not to get too new-age on everyone, but it does occur to me that I might have hinted to the universe that I didn't want to go back to work today and that I was a bit pissed about doing yoga at weird hours of the day, and that by getting sick then I wouldn't have to go to work or do yoga.  I don't want to believe I sent that message out into the universe because I don't want to be so blatantly resistant to this process (or non-blatantly resistant either I guess).  I need to just accept my resistance, not judge it, and let it melt away. At least that's the goal.  For now, I will be happy if the junk in my head melts away.

Good Night!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Day 7

So today marks the end of Week 1 of this adventure.   Baron reminds us that even God rested on the 7th day, so each week we are allowed to take a one day reprieve to rest and relax.  I choose to skip my routine on Friday thinking I would be tired from everything this week - in retrospect I think that was kind of a mistake.  While I have not been very good at getting up early and doing my yoga and meditation first thing in the morning, weekdays are a bit more conducive to alarm clocks than the weekends are - or at least I listen to my alarm clock somewhat on the weekdays.  I almost felt badly lying in bed on Friday morning that I was not even trying to convince myself to get up.  Whereas on Saturday I didn't even move from bed until 11am and by then thoughts of early morning meditation and yoga were far from my head. 

While I was delinquent yesterday in updating my blog I did get my yoga done.  I forced myself to do it before we headed out to the So You Think You Can Dance concert in Richmond -- no judging -- it was awesome.  (If you don't believe me go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHDXC7dj0dg&NR=1 and watch Phillip Chbeeb do some locking)  Because I insisted on doing my yoga before we left we were almost late to the concert but made it into the Richmond Coliseum just in time!  It was a fun concert which we followed up with a late night trip to Waffle House -- which reminded me that I am perhaps a bit too old for Waffle House at midnight. 

I am finding this whole process hard not as much because of the actual yoga or meditation.  The time commitment to each activity isn't too cumbersome at the moment.  Perhaps by week six, when I have worked up to a half-hour of meditation and an 1 1/2 hours of yoga each day, I will have a harder time actually finding the time each day.  But currently, I am struggling with the lack of routine.  I have found that as my life has gotten more and more out of alignment with what I would like it to be I get more and more stuck in my routine.  I find it distressing that I might not be able to watch my TV shows mostly . . . it sounds pitiful to say that aloud . . . but I am struggling with how to integrate the yoga and meditation into my life in a way that doesn't cause me to give up those things which I am clinging onto, such as my TV shows.  I think I just need to put more effort into scheduling things so I don't get all pissy and resistant to doing my yoga because I have Biggest Loser episodes to watch. 

My math teacher in junior high used to say "prior planning prevents poor performance" so I guess my goal this week is to just be more committed to the prior planning part of this journey . . . that being said, I am going back to the football game :)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day 4

Today was cold and rainy and gross.  All-in-all it should have been a stay-at-home-in-your-sweats-and-watch-tivo type of day, but alas, I need a paycheck.  It occurred to me as I was walking home from the Metro tonight that this was the first time this season that I could see the fog of my breath in the air.  I wondered if Baron had ever thought about doing yoga in the freezing cold to get this point across?  Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly want to practice yoga in 40 degree weather, but for a discipline that is so focused on the breath its funny to me how much easier it is to notice one's breath outside of a warm yoga studio.

For those of you who don't know Baron's yoga, it's a hot yoga (read: 90 degree heat and a good bit of humidity) and its vinyasa style (read: fast-paced, one breath per pose usually).  While we do this fast-paced yoga in a hot and humid room we practice this type of breath called uji breath - which is breathing through your nose with your mouth closed and making a sound like Darth Vadar.  Imagine trying to fog up a mirror you're holding right in front of your face but with the breath from your nose not the breath from your mouth.  You end up making this old-person-with-emphysema kind of raspy noise through the "whisper" muscles of you throat.  In addition, your supposed to lock your core and only breathe into your rib cage (not into your belly) to build up your internal heat during the practice.  Needless to say, even though I have been practicing Baptiste yoga for a while, this type of breathing is still very hard. Holding in your gut, breathing through your nose, expanding your lungs so you get enough air, etc. is harder on some days more than others.  Frankly, most times I practice in the studio I feel like a dog after a long walk and I just want to open up my mouth and pant a little to cool down.

But today, perhaps because I was focused on the fall air, I really focused on my breath.  I know the practice now well enough that I know what I am aiming to do breathing wise - its just hard to keep that focus as you move through all the poses, get distracted by your alignment, which pose you do next, etc.  Brad was busy in the kitchen cooking dinner (more on that in a minute) and his clanging around almost challenged me to breathe louder and to focus on the noise that I was making through the sound of my breath.  One time in class a teacher said that if the person practicing in class next to you couldn't hear your breathing, it didn't count.  If, as yoga suggests, your breath is the core of your power and your being, I like being reminded on these cold days of the existence of my breath.  When you breathe out and steam up the air you realize how much there was inside of you -- how far it travels away from your mouth before it dissipates into the air, and how much space it takes up as a cloud in front of your face.  There is a lot of something stored in each breath.  It was nice today.  I like breathing.   

I must confess though, I did stumble today in the scheduling of the yoga and meditation.  I slept in (again) and ended up doing my yoga in the evening.  I was proud of myself that, while I missed out of doing my meditation first thing in the morning, I did close my door at work and make a quiet space to sit for the allotted five minutes rather than fudging and meditating on the busy Metro.  Baron doesn't say you have to do your meditation and yoga in the morning but he does remind us that if we get it out of the way at the beginning of the day it's done, and then we don't have to worry about getting caught up in the day and running out of time.  I think part of the trick for me with this journey is going to be making the time - if I don't get into some sort of pattern I know that as the yoga and meditation practices get longer and longer it will be harder and harder to "squeeze" them in at night and I will end up running out of time. 


And Now For Something Completely Different . . .

Brad has begun to officially channel his inner Julia Child (yippee!)  While he has been doing a great job of making sure we have lunches to bring to work and healthy snacks to munch on, there has not been a ton of complex cooking.  I went ahead and bought him a Julia Child cookbook - The Way to Cook - just so we would have a springboard of recipes that did not succumb to current cooking fetishes of "30 minutes," "quick and easy" or "one pot meals."  Tonight we had sauteed pork chops and a potato-carrot puree.

...Okay, now it's my turn to hijack this post... (insert Brad's devilish grin)

I think my "inner Julia Child" as Clare calls it still has some growing to do... While dinner was good, it wasn't great, which, I suppose is the point (growth by doing, rather than perfection all at once).  I wouldn't learn anything if I didn't have a few hiccups along the way :^)  Anyway, the pork chops were good, but the mashed potato/carrot puree turned out like glue... I have to work on my mashed potatoes.  Maybe instead of blending with the hand mixer, I'll try whipping with a wire whisk.

Another thing I should think about is setting up my recipes over the weekend, that way I don't have to think about it when I come home (other than getting ingredients on the way home or during one grocery trip).  Coming home late for the last couple of nights really was a challenge.  I'll do better during the coming weeks.

That's all for now :^)

Day 3

Well today's posting is, as they say, "a day late and a dollar short."  Last night we were having issues getting the wireless internet to work on the laptop until very and Brad's computer is completely out of commission for some strange reason since we got back from the honeymoon.

Yesterday was a good day - I didn't resist too much in the morning, got myself up, and in my PJs meditated and did my yoga while Brad did the dishes in the kitchen behind me.  I found I was getting the order of the poses down a bit better so I was pleased that I didn't need to keep interrupting myself to look at the book as much.  I still felt sluggish at work though and am a bit distressed that the early morning yoga has not seemed to give me more energy to get through the day.

In the evening I went to our first group session.  It was interesting to see the diversity of people undertaking this journey with me.  I struggled with the challenge at the session to commit to the process because the language of the session was hard for me to wrap my head around.  Words like "make" and "good" and "breakthrough" all have such loaded connotations for me that it was hard not to fight those words internally when they were contiually used as part of the lessons in the session.  I think I get that the process of this journey is about opening your heart and understanding that you (and everyone else for that matter) are perfect, and about becoming aware again of that perfection in each of us - but I got a bit caught up and frustrated by the language. 

Words have incredibly profound meaning to people - as perverted as their original meanings may be nowadays - how we communicate is key to our understanding and our definition of our self.  Last night I just found that the communication wasn't clicking or resonating within me in a way that made sense, and so that was hard.  I found myself trying not to be angry at the group leader for speaking in a way that seemed almost oxymoronic to the spirit of this journey and I found I wasn't sure whether or not to be mad at myself for not speaking up more in group.  I didn't want to be "that kid" in class that is having like a personal one-on-one with the teacher, but I didn't get it/agree with/understand why the language she was choosing was being chosen.  Turns out it's Baron's language so now I am even more confused . . .

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Day 2

Today I don't think either Brad or I were very committed to our adventures . . .

For the record, meditating on the Metro is harder to do than it would seem.  It's not because, as my Mother feared, that people will try to steal your stuff, but rather because the cars are so shaky you don't realize how un-still you really are while you are sitting quietly trying to breathe.  

We woke up late this morning so yoga had to be postponed until I got home from work.  At first I was upset with myself for sleeping in but I was proud of myself that I came home and immediately did my yoga.  I really have to move my mat though, slipping on the carpet next to the dinning room table is going to be a good way to bust my head open.  Brad had a late conference call this afternoon too so he bailed on his cooking for the evening - opting instead for the trustworthy crackers and cheese. I don't think you'll find too many cook books with a recipe for that one.

I don't know if our lack of commitment today is a feeble attempt at resistance to this journey we are embarking upon or just residual fatigue from staying up late for both Sunday and Monday night's football games?  But whatever it is, we both clearly need to recommit more.  Baron talks a lot about responsibility  - I think his point is less about the choices you make and more about how you own up to and take responsibility for those decisions.  Its okay that I didn't do my yoga in the morning or meditated in the none too peaceful Metro car, but I need to cut the crap and stop telling myself some story about why I "had to" make those choices -- I could have set the alarm myself instead of making Brad responsible for getting me up or I could have valued the time to do my yoga over watching the morning news and weather report.  I think its not about what you do its about what you tell yourself the reasons are for why you are doing what you are doing.  In any case, onward and upward . . .

Tomorrow is my first group session at the yoga studio to discuss the journey with everyone else who is doing this simultaneously with me- I am going to go to bed now so I can be rested for that discussion - and so I can do my yoga in the morning :)

Namaste,
Clare

Monday, October 12, 2009

Day 1

Ok, now I'm daunted . . .

Well maybe not daunted but I definitely got a wake up call of how hard this journey is going to be. Last night, as I was reading through Baron's book in preparation for the 40 Days, while I felt calm clearly a weird vibe was settling over the house - if I wasn't tipped off that our "kick off meal" the Beef Bourguignon wasn't done until after 10pm and was immediately relegated to the refrigerator for leftovers, I should have been tipped off by the fact that Brad fell asleep on my shoulder while I remained awake and watched the end of the Sunday night football game. In any case, I missed the signs, and sometime last night I got myself and my energy all out of sorts. I couldn't fall asleep and then when I did fall asleep I had horrible nightmares - the weird kind of dreams where they feel real and then have tragic but odd endings. None of the dreams had to do with yoga but I think they all had to do with my fear of failure or my lack of faith in my own strength. They were intense and I think I psyched myself out a bit. I woke up this morning and rolled over to Brad - "this is going to be a lot harder than I thought," I said.

This week I am to do 5 minutes of meditation, preferably in the morning, followed by a yoga routine that is supposed to take 20 minutes. Ha! While I found the meditation restful and fairly easy, the yoga practice was a bit awkward. First of all, it took me closer to 40 minutes to get my way through all the poses. My yoga mat kept slipping on the carpet under me and I had to keep awkwardly flipping through the pages of the book to see what my next pose was. I missed the heat of the yoga studio and I missed the sound of the instructor's voice calling out the poses as I moved through them.

In a lonely but oddly comforting way, this morning's practice reaffirmed that this is truly about being on your own. It was about the challenge of working through it yourself and working through your own embarrassment yourself . . . its funny that alone by yourself you still feel awkward and embarrassed by your own struggles in the yoga practice. It reminds me of the shame I felt in middle school when I wasn't "cool" enough and I felt that my existence was somehow, inherently, less "cool" than my peers. Like, somehow, magically, they were getting through their awkward ugly duckling years (as my Mother calls them) more gracefully than I was. I mean, really, who else is going to know if I look like a fool trying to figure out what the poses are? So much ego to let go of I suppose :)

I need to go do my last 5 minutes of meditation for the day - but I think I learned my lesson yesterday, I am going to save my "homework" reading for the morning - when its power to intimidate and overwhelm me is no more.

Until tomorrow,
Namaste

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Eve of Day 1

Tonight is the eve of this 40 day journey and I think I might be a bit in denial about the arduous task I have undertaken. I am not (1) an early riser or (2) particularly into personal "alone" time and I am a bit of a procrastinator who functions best with draconian like deadlines. So this journey of personal motivation will definitely be a challenge but I remain, at least for tonight, undaunted. My loving husband Brad, has agreed to undergo this adventure with me (lets face it, we're married now so he can't really say no - ha!) He has also agreed to continue to be in charge of the meals in our household and has even challenged himself to a Julia Child style 40 day adventure of his own. Tonight as the scent of the simmering Beef Bourguignon wafts through the air I am as excited by his adventures as I am my own.

"40 Days to Personal Revolution: A Breakthrough Program to Dramatically Change Your Body and Awaken the Sacred Within Your Soul" is what Baron calls the program. I am looking forward to see what awakens within me.