Wow, so this journey is ending, and it feels like I am going out with a sizzle not a bang. I am kind of disappointed by that actually. I have been coming to terms over the last few days that the process is about the journey, not the end result (I think there's a famous quote to that effect, but its escaping me now). I am trying not to expect anything from this revolution but its bumming me out that my life and work have been getting in the way of my time for yoga and meditation this week. And no, that's not totally my story, I have gotten stuck in traffic twice this week on my way to go to yoga! I am trying to get there!
In other news, I have been getting up early all his week, and oddly enough, it's kind of giving me this weird energy. For those of you who know me, you know that I am not a morning person. So this is a refreshing twist of things. Perhaps I will have to keep playing with this "early to bed, early to rise" routine I have going.
Last night was the last night of group - perhaps that is why I am in a bit of a melancholy mood today. One comment that a fellow yogi made really stuck with me - actually its a mantra that her husband repeats frequently that up until this program had really bothered her. The comment was "Nothing is either good or bad it's just thinking that makes it so." The quote reminded me of the experience on the Metro the other day with the guy I got so mad a for rubbing up against me with his briefcase. I made him bad as I sat there and rattled on to myself about how he was rude, and inconsiderate, and oblivious, and self-absorbed -- when really that was all my judgment and my thoughts that made that real. Nothing about what I thought about his was real, except to myself.
Technically the program ends tomorrow but I know I am far from finishing the intent of this journey. There's a peace in realizing this last week or so that I am really at the beginning. That this 40 days was not a quick fix, but rather a stepping stone out of the places and thought patterns where I was. For whatever reason, knowing that I am not marching to a goal has made the process of savoring the walk so much more important.
I am beat from this week and am heading to bed, but am taking votes. Should I keep blogging? And if so, what about?
Off to dreamland . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Day 37
Wow . . . the time is now flying by. I have been very busy at work and between that and the errands I have felt like my time is all spoken for -- not in a bad way, just in a "I don't have time to kill" way. I am not sure if this is a totally fair statement, but it feels like I haven't really been this busy at any other time during this process -- it was just my head that told me that I had no time to practice yoga or do my meditations. The funny thing is though, my lack of getting any practice in isn't making me feel like a failure. I don't think its because I have stopped caring, but I am coming into a place of acceptance, and that feels really great.
I was able to be present more throughout the day today, and life has a funny way of bopping you on the head with this presence. This morning on the Metro the gentleman standing in front of me kept banging into me with his bag. I started getting mad at his obliviousness and standing firmer in my position so as not to give way to the pressure of his bag. I was getting all hot and bothered when the train cleared out and he took a seat next to me. Ironically enough, when he sat down he pulled out Baron's other book "Journey Into Power," turned to the first page, and began reading. I wanted to laugh, cry, and introduce myself to the guy. How funny that I had created this whole story about him being rude, insensitive, and oblivious and he was looking to the same yogi for guidance and strength during his journey. I create so many stories, and excuses, and justifications and just plain BS. I was humbled to realize on an ordinary metro ride how much of my life I create in my head and how much I am willing to judge so quickly. . . . I guess I need to practice more nonreactivity!!
My fatigue seems different this last day or two as well - I am worn out tired, not just bored tired. My brain has been up and working since 6am and now its blissfully ready for bed. There has been a spring in my step that was joyful throughout the day and now its just time to shut down and reboot.
So good night, sleep tight
Namaste,
Clare
I was able to be present more throughout the day today, and life has a funny way of bopping you on the head with this presence. This morning on the Metro the gentleman standing in front of me kept banging into me with his bag. I started getting mad at his obliviousness and standing firmer in my position so as not to give way to the pressure of his bag. I was getting all hot and bothered when the train cleared out and he took a seat next to me. Ironically enough, when he sat down he pulled out Baron's other book "Journey Into Power," turned to the first page, and began reading. I wanted to laugh, cry, and introduce myself to the guy. How funny that I had created this whole story about him being rude, insensitive, and oblivious and he was looking to the same yogi for guidance and strength during his journey. I create so many stories, and excuses, and justifications and just plain BS. I was humbled to realize on an ordinary metro ride how much of my life I create in my head and how much I am willing to judge so quickly. . . . I guess I need to practice more nonreactivity!!
My fatigue seems different this last day or two as well - I am worn out tired, not just bored tired. My brain has been up and working since 6am and now its blissfully ready for bed. There has been a spring in my step that was joyful throughout the day and now its just time to shut down and reboot.
So good night, sleep tight
Namaste,
Clare
Monday, November 16, 2009
Day 36
Today is the beginning of a long week. It seems like every night this week I have something non-yoga going on in addition to the rest of my life. I am tired already just thinking about it! This evening the Eye Doctor informed me that my contacts were fitting too tightly, doing something bad to my retina, and were the wrong prescription. No wonder I was having eye fatigue and headaches! Not to get too far-out there, but I once had a friend tell me that vision issues were a result of being unable to see the future of one's life clearly and honestly. She asserted that she had cleared up her near blindness by mindfully working on being present in her life and authentic about herself. Now I am not sure I really believe that, but it is nice to think that maybe my ability to deal more squarely with myself, and look with more confidence and compassion into the future has helped me strengthen my eyes; to see what is really there in my life. In any case, perhaps this new prescription will help the headaches at the very least -- hooray!
I had a long conversation with a friend tonight about the 'point' of this program and how you know if you're 'revolutionizing' or not and she offered this sage wisdom "the point of the program is not about doing yoga and meditation everyday, the point is that it offers you a different perspective on how to live your life and the potential possibilities in it." I like this idea. I am going to sit with it a while and see how it feels.
Tomorrow I am going to talk to an expert about my aptitude test results. So that will definitely open up some new possibilities and perhaps new perspectives on my life. I am looking forward to it.
Until then, I am dragging myself to bed, because tomorrow is another long day!!
Namaste,
Clare
I had a long conversation with a friend tonight about the 'point' of this program and how you know if you're 'revolutionizing' or not and she offered this sage wisdom "the point of the program is not about doing yoga and meditation everyday, the point is that it offers you a different perspective on how to live your life and the potential possibilities in it." I like this idea. I am going to sit with it a while and see how it feels.
Tomorrow I am going to talk to an expert about my aptitude test results. So that will definitely open up some new possibilities and perhaps new perspectives on my life. I am looking forward to it.
Until then, I am dragging myself to bed, because tomorrow is another long day!!
Namaste,
Clare
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Day 35
I have been feeling very sad this weekend. Sad that this process is drawing to a close. Sad that I have been less successful that I would have hoped in doing my daily yoga and meditations. Sad that I beat up on myself so much for my 'failings'. Sad because I don't think I have had any major revolutions. Sad because Brad just told me the football season is halfway over!!
I hate posting about the things that have been bumming me out - I don't want to be too much of a Debbie Downer - and really I think this depression is an important part of the process. I need not resist the bad feelings just because they are unpleasant. I need to keep accepting where I am without judgment and listen to why I am resisting growth and joy in my life. So I am going to post five things that have made me happy during this process to balance the above mentioned sad things . . .
1. My arms are clearly getting stronger from all the yoga, as I can now do several high-to-low push ups.
2. I have been good at getting to yoga at the studio, even when it means I miss football. I have gone four times every week for the last three weeks!
3. I have had, when I decide to be present in my life, much more energy. I am beginning to realize when I am being an ostrich and am just avoiding things and pretending they will go away.
4. I have grown to really like fruit (which I have never really been a big fan of before) and am much better at incorporating it into my daily diet.
5. Both the Vikings and the Panthers won their games today; and while I missed the ends of both games because I went to yoga, I have a great husband and a wonderful DVR to keep me up to speed on these things.
Hopefully sleep will help improve my mood tomorrow too!!
Namaste,
Clare
I hate posting about the things that have been bumming me out - I don't want to be too much of a Debbie Downer - and really I think this depression is an important part of the process. I need not resist the bad feelings just because they are unpleasant. I need to keep accepting where I am without judgment and listen to why I am resisting growth and joy in my life. So I am going to post five things that have made me happy during this process to balance the above mentioned sad things . . .
1. My arms are clearly getting stronger from all the yoga, as I can now do several high-to-low push ups.
2. I have been good at getting to yoga at the studio, even when it means I miss football. I have gone four times every week for the last three weeks!
3. I have had, when I decide to be present in my life, much more energy. I am beginning to realize when I am being an ostrich and am just avoiding things and pretending they will go away.
4. I have grown to really like fruit (which I have never really been a big fan of before) and am much better at incorporating it into my daily diet.
5. Both the Vikings and the Panthers won their games today; and while I missed the ends of both games because I went to yoga, I have a great husband and a wonderful DVR to keep me up to speed on these things.
Hopefully sleep will help improve my mood tomorrow too!!
Namaste,
Clare
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Day 32
A short post tonight because I am trying to get myself to 6am yoga tomorrow and it is BEDTIME. . . .
In my practice this afternoon I had a thought -- if homo erectus was such an evolutionary step forward for human kind, if letting go of walking on all fours and standing up straight on our two feet signified progress, why is it that we spend so much time in yoga trying to get all our weight back into our hands? We even do a pose called "gorilla pose" where we stand on our hands and walk around. Grr . . . I am bemusedly frustrated with myself . . . and why is it that I can not go back to my genetic roots and get myself back into my hands? I have been struggling the last few days in particular because I cannot get my hands flat, and in so many yoga poses, one needs to get the hands flat so that they can bear the weight of your body. Evidently my "texting muscle" (technically I think its called the triad muscle) of my hands is over-developed. Go figure. What are the teeny-boppers of this generation going to do if even my texting muscle is over developed?? Anyway, an over-developed texting muscle makes it hard to get the thumb and the thumb muscle down flat on the ground - hence I can 't really get my weight into my whole hand because its not flat on the floor - hence I fall on my face when I try to stand on my hands and do crow pose. Boo. So can someone please explain to me how it is that I can't un-evolve? How come it is that I can't undo this particular kind of growth and progress? I forget things I have learned and undo growth I have achieved all the time. In fact, as a person, I think I am quite skilled at unlearning things (a/k/a forgetting things). So how come after 2 straight days of focusing on loosening this tiny muscle in my hand I can't seem to let it go and go back to my "natural" state of being? Damn monkeys, chimps, apes, or whatever it is we technically evolved from. And curse you Sprint, Verizon and T-Mobile. I bet the monkeys don't worry about their under-developed hand muscles. . . you think there's an app for that?
Namaste,
Clare
In my practice this afternoon I had a thought -- if homo erectus was such an evolutionary step forward for human kind, if letting go of walking on all fours and standing up straight on our two feet signified progress, why is it that we spend so much time in yoga trying to get all our weight back into our hands? We even do a pose called "gorilla pose" where we stand on our hands and walk around. Grr . . . I am bemusedly frustrated with myself . . . and why is it that I can not go back to my genetic roots and get myself back into my hands? I have been struggling the last few days in particular because I cannot get my hands flat, and in so many yoga poses, one needs to get the hands flat so that they can bear the weight of your body. Evidently my "texting muscle" (technically I think its called the triad muscle) of my hands is over-developed. Go figure. What are the teeny-boppers of this generation going to do if even my texting muscle is over developed?? Anyway, an over-developed texting muscle makes it hard to get the thumb and the thumb muscle down flat on the ground - hence I can 't really get my weight into my whole hand because its not flat on the floor - hence I fall on my face when I try to stand on my hands and do crow pose. Boo. So can someone please explain to me how it is that I can't un-evolve? How come it is that I can't undo this particular kind of growth and progress? I forget things I have learned and undo growth I have achieved all the time. In fact, as a person, I think I am quite skilled at unlearning things (a/k/a forgetting things). So how come after 2 straight days of focusing on loosening this tiny muscle in my hand I can't seem to let it go and go back to my "natural" state of being? Damn monkeys, chimps, apes, or whatever it is we technically evolved from. And curse you Sprint, Verizon and T-Mobile. I bet the monkeys don't worry about their under-developed hand muscles. . . you think there's an app for that?
Namaste,
Clare
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Day 31
Today was our second to last group session and I am feeling rather contemplative. A comment that was said during the session really struck me and I am sort of dwelling in it as I try to process its meaning. The comment was "we are meaning making machines." It sounds silly - definitely a bit alliterative - but it is really sitting heavy with me. The context is that most of our stories and the lies we tell ourselves come from childhood. We take what our siblings/teachers/parents do or say and at some point we interpreted those actions or inactions somehow as having a specific meaning - they were rejecting us in some way or another. We take the critique of our performance during a dance recital, a teasing comment about our appearance, or an indifference to our efforts, as a huge slight and from that slight we begin this toxic cycle of meaning.
Most of us can trace this cycle back to an event in our childhood, but whatever the event is, it all came from how we interpreted that situation. We gave meaning to the situation and derived feelings from that wholly created meaning. My Mom saying I looked awkward on the dance floor at my recital or my Dad not recognizing how I kept trying to involve him in my girl scouts so he would be proud of me - those events and comments probably didn't even register in their brainwaves. Yet I took those events as significant and I gave them the meaning they have for me in my life. I took the comments as I am not good enough - I gave them that meaning - and then have spent a large part of the rest of my life trying to prove my worth to someone so as to invalidate that meaning - which was never really there expect in my head in the first place . . .
I am not sure I have been fully liberated yet from the chains or the beliefs of my own creation, but I am reminded that we create our own reality. To say that our parents didn't mean to inflict whatever wounds they inflicted doesn't invalidate our feelings of hurt, it just reminds us that how, even as a child, we perceive the situation is of our own making. That our parents didn't love us, that we were not worthy of their affection, that we were a failure, that we were ugly/awkward/skinny/naive etc. etc. etc. -- those aren't facts. It is what we took away from whatever experiences we believe we went through. We can believe to see those experiences differently - as meaning something else entirely.
Ironically, I read an Op-Ed piece today in the NYT that illustrated this point better than I am tonight. So here is the link - so you can see why Mr. Brooks is paid to share his opinions and I am not . . . http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/10/opinion/10brooks.html?_r=1&em
I don't think I have blogged about this yet - but I recently (as part of my side-revolution) purchased and took an aptitude test. I was hoping to gain insight into my natural abilities but also to understand better what kind of a worker bee I am, and to determine what sorts of professional and social interactions would best sustain and fulfill me. I got my results back last week and while I haven't had my meeting with my counselor to fully analyze them, I have read this much . . . I am in the 90+ percentile for both "Analytical Reasoning" and "Diagnostic Reasoning." According to the summary of the results that I have, people are generally higher in one or the other, not both. What I know (at least superficially) about my results is that I am always trying to solve problems. Both through creating logical connections between things and by making "gut" assessments and evaluating the situation with a new solution. So in thinking about my yoga group tonight, it made sense that I have so many stories in my life because I thrive on the analysis of everything. I have often literally created meaning where the was none so that my highly reason based mind would have something to reason over. Its like I created a meaning to interpret just because my mind might have otherwise been bored. No wonder this process has been exhausting! I have so many layers of fabrication to go through!
The phrase "meaning making machine" really struck a chord. What if I step back and see how much the meaning I have derived from various situations in my life is all infused with meaning of my own creation? What if I stop and think about how much meaning I interject into each interpretation of a sequence of events? Then the rejection that I feel is valid but it is of my own creation. Like I said, I am still contemplating and chewing the cud on this one . . . . but it is definitely something to think about . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Most of us can trace this cycle back to an event in our childhood, but whatever the event is, it all came from how we interpreted that situation. We gave meaning to the situation and derived feelings from that wholly created meaning. My Mom saying I looked awkward on the dance floor at my recital or my Dad not recognizing how I kept trying to involve him in my girl scouts so he would be proud of me - those events and comments probably didn't even register in their brainwaves. Yet I took those events as significant and I gave them the meaning they have for me in my life. I took the comments as I am not good enough - I gave them that meaning - and then have spent a large part of the rest of my life trying to prove my worth to someone so as to invalidate that meaning - which was never really there expect in my head in the first place . . .
I am not sure I have been fully liberated yet from the chains or the beliefs of my own creation, but I am reminded that we create our own reality. To say that our parents didn't mean to inflict whatever wounds they inflicted doesn't invalidate our feelings of hurt, it just reminds us that how, even as a child, we perceive the situation is of our own making. That our parents didn't love us, that we were not worthy of their affection, that we were a failure, that we were ugly/awkward/skinny/naive etc. etc. etc. -- those aren't facts. It is what we took away from whatever experiences we believe we went through. We can believe to see those experiences differently - as meaning something else entirely.
Ironically, I read an Op-Ed piece today in the NYT that illustrated this point better than I am tonight. So here is the link - so you can see why Mr. Brooks is paid to share his opinions and I am not . . . http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/10/opinion/10brooks.html?_r=1&em
I don't think I have blogged about this yet - but I recently (as part of my side-revolution) purchased and took an aptitude test. I was hoping to gain insight into my natural abilities but also to understand better what kind of a worker bee I am, and to determine what sorts of professional and social interactions would best sustain and fulfill me. I got my results back last week and while I haven't had my meeting with my counselor to fully analyze them, I have read this much . . . I am in the 90+ percentile for both "Analytical Reasoning" and "Diagnostic Reasoning." According to the summary of the results that I have, people are generally higher in one or the other, not both. What I know (at least superficially) about my results is that I am always trying to solve problems. Both through creating logical connections between things and by making "gut" assessments and evaluating the situation with a new solution. So in thinking about my yoga group tonight, it made sense that I have so many stories in my life because I thrive on the analysis of everything. I have often literally created meaning where the was none so that my highly reason based mind would have something to reason over. Its like I created a meaning to interpret just because my mind might have otherwise been bored. No wonder this process has been exhausting! I have so many layers of fabrication to go through!
The phrase "meaning making machine" really struck a chord. What if I step back and see how much the meaning I have derived from various situations in my life is all infused with meaning of my own creation? What if I stop and think about how much meaning I interject into each interpretation of a sequence of events? Then the rejection that I feel is valid but it is of my own creation. Like I said, I am still contemplating and chewing the cud on this one . . . . but it is definitely something to think about . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Day 30
I don't have much to say tonight. I am sore but not terribly sore. I am tired but not crazy tired. And I have been present in my life lately but not really present. I kind of felt like I was coasting through the day. Its been a fairly blissful coast. Perhaps I am letting go of some of the old resistance to past habits, perhaps I am finding joy and lightness in my own strength during my meditations and practices, or perhaps I am hitting a runner's high with the sheer amount of all this yoga . . . whatever it is, I am enjoying the ride (and, for the record, I don't even like roller coasters!) I think mostly I have been energized by feeling like I am over the 20 day hump - I know the halfway point is behind me and I know that the "being stuck" in the middle abyss of this process is now gone. I feel like I am headed somewhere now; that there is a direction and purpose to my progress.
I am headed to do my evening meditation and bed now because I have to get up early to do yoga in the morning as we have our second to last group session tomorrow - it's going to be a long day . . .
Namaste,
Clare
I am headed to do my evening meditation and bed now because I have to get up early to do yoga in the morning as we have our second to last group session tomorrow - it's going to be a long day . . .
Namaste,
Clare
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