Day 10

Well, lets just say group was really hard tonight.   We talked a lot about who we blame in our lives - our parents, our coworkers, our siblings, our husbands/wives . . . ourselves.   I was so thrown-off by my own connotations with the word 'blame' that I had to look it up when I got home to better understand the session.  According to the dictionary blame, originally from the Latin, means (1) To hold responsible, (2) To find fault with; censure, or (3) To place responsibility for (something). 

The way I was thinking of 'blame' was in terms of anger at someone for the mistakes they made; holding them responsible for some fault of theirs. But tonight we discussed the term 'blame' in terms of blaming people because they don't have the answers we need, because they won't give us what we want from them.  So its not so much some failure on their part as it is us hanging our hats on a hook they don't belong on.  I asked today in group how I can stay present in my meditations more, noting that when I just sit and accept my thoughts the buzzer has gone off and my time is over and I wasn't able to calm my mind and come back to my breath.  A discussion commenced on how I really knew the answer all along and that I was hiding behind this question; how I was blaming the group leader for not answering my question, for not giving me a solution to the problem I was creating.  The conversation was rough.  Nothing like coming to the brink of tears in front of a room full of almost-strangers because you seem to be the only person in the room who doesn't understand something -- yeah, awful middle school memories flooding in.

In the end, instead of hunkering down, doing my meditation, and being present, I was intellectualizing it, asking questions, and then being frustrated when the person I had reached out to for "help" wasn't giving me any guidance.  I simply had to realize that sitting there, dedicating the time each day to the meditation, was "doing the meditation."  That was enough [period].  And by focusing on the "how can I do this better" questions I was dis-empowering myself instead of empowering myself by acknowledging that I was in fact doing it all along.   

The group leader made an interesting metaphor again this week -- she stood up in the room and with one foot held to the floor by an invisible nail.  She spun her body around her foot, almost walking in a circle, and over and over she recited the typical excuses of why people say they are stuck and can't change - my job, my wife/husband, my kids, my parents etc., etc., etc. and then what they try to do to change - therapy, pills, yoga, etc. etc. each time feigning like she was trying to break free from the circle she was spinning in but couldn't because the one foot was still nailed to the floor.  As a society we spend so much time trying to fix ourselves by fixing all of the people and situations around us -- funny thing is, no one talks about the nail that is holding the one foot down; the nail that is causing you to spin around in a circle, keeping you trapped in the first place.  I don't know what the nail is that is keeping me spinning in circles, unable to break free, but something struck a chord with me tonight when I got so mad at the leader for suggesting that I was angry at her for not answering my question because by blaming her I was refusing to take responsibility for my own predicament with my own meditation.  I am not quite there yet, but it was one of those moments when you're know you are so close - when you can maybe, almost see the light - metaphorically speaking, of course.

Just to stay honest: morning meditation, albeit on the Metro, check.  Yoga this afternoon at home with Brad calling the poses to me, still with the reduced vinyasas because I can hardly breathe, check.  Evening meditation - well that's next - it is way past my usual bedtime!

Adventures with Julia Child will be back soon.  My Brother has been in town visiting this week and Brad has been a bit distracted by the xbox/wii/ps2 partner - they're saving the planet from aliens and zombies and such, so I just don't ask questions.

More tomorrow!
Namaste,
Clare