Day 19

Well I think this week has been a bit of a roller coaster.  We had some really down days and some really up days.  Some days where I had no clue where I was going and days where I felt sure I knew what this journey was about.  There has certainly been an oscillation of all these emotions.  Today is a bit of a mulligan.  My plan to do yoga this evening after work was sidelined when Brad was bitten by a neighbor's dog.  A trip to the Urgent Care, some antibiotics, and a tetanus shot later, he's no worse for wear.  But at 11pm I am not about to start yoga for the day.

As I near the 20 day mark (the amount of time which it takes to break a habit, according to adage) I have certainly been struggling with resistance to this process.  I want to quit - it doesn't seem worth it - it takes too much effort - I am not getting anything out of this - all of these tapes have been running through my head this week.  And in truth, I have failed quite a bit at breaking the habits that I have.  My lizard brain - that part of your brain which even some of the earliest animals known to man had, which gravitates toward the tried and true - has definitely been winning this week, as I stick with what I know because in some ways it has helped me survive this far so it must be working, right?  Wrong!  My brother and I had a long conversation about this type of lethargy tonight - he told me abut an experiment where dogs lying on a floor that was electrocuted stayed put, despite the discomfort, even when given an option to escape to a non-electrocuted space, because there was comfort even in the uncomfortable place they were laying.  Anyone else ever heard of this study?  It fascinates me that there really is such a strong force inside of us that keeps us stuck where we are, regardless of an acknowledgment that we are in pain, because there is comfort in the known and familiar. 

I spent a lot of the day looking up quotes and stories about responsibility and self motivation - I felt like I needed a little reminder why we push ourselves to anything and why being committed to listening to the little voice in your head is important.  It was really empowering and I appreciated the struggle that everyone has with keeping one's self going.  There are two that I really liked:  "Stay committed to your decisions but flexible to your approach" -Tom Robbins.  Which reminded me to have more forgiveness to myself as I continue on this process.  Yes my approach is not spot on per Baron's guidelines every day, but I am struggling to find myself, and in that struggle I have to be sure I honor what will work for me.  It helped me forgive myself for being more lackadaisical on yoga because I have been spending a lot more time journaling and thinking about what is going on in my life that got me to this place. 

The second quote I really liked is:  "You are responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.  You are responsible for your rose."  -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery.  This quote is from The Little Prince for those of you who have not read the book, which is about a prince who wanders the galaxies. The rose is the Prince's true love but they are star-crossed, to be cheesy.  The idea of 'taming' the flower is a bit of an awkward translation -- the flower is coquettish and plays hard to get, and initially spurs the Prince's love, which causes him to leave his home planet.  His thoughts often go back to her and in the end the Prince realizes that in loving the flower, in taming her, he has been able to love her and realize that his rose is unique among all the flowers in the world because he loves her.  As I read this quote earlier today I was struck by the idea that we are our own roses.  This process makes us come to grips with and tame our own true selves and in the end, once we are out there, naked and exposed, we have only ourselves left to be responsible for.  This idea that once you really truly love someone you are responsible for them struck me as being more true when applied to our love and commitment to ourselves than to anyone (or anything) else.

Tomorrow is another day and I keeping going.  Onward and upward . . . 


Namaste,
Clare