Day 18

Tonight when I had a breakdown over running too late and missing yoga class I was reminded of an expression my Mom often says: "If you can't get out of it, get into it."  An embrace of the fact that things may be wretched, things may be tough, you all-in-all might not like the situation, but if you can't remove yourself or get away from it, you just have to accept it.  I was not as committed to my practice and this process today as I want to be, but I have to accept that, and get into the resistance that I have had to getting it done.

My Father-In-Law (oohh that's weird to write out) informs me that in Police training the concept is called "failing-forward."  I think Baron would like that name because it acknowledges both the success and the short-comings of this process.  While on the one hand I am proud of how I have stuck with this journey, I am also dismayed by how much I have faltered.  Both physical fatigue and mental resistance have made this process arduous.  It really is amazing, when you sit back and look at it, how much we let the internal monologue in our head run our lives -- no matter how illogical it may be at times.  I have felt at times like this process has made me have multiple personalities -- Lazy Clare, Motivated Clare, Zen Clare etc.  they are all me but not entirely.

Baron's second law of transformation is to "be willing to come part."  The idea being that just as we are about to encounter change within ourselves, when the little voice says "I can't continue this way," another little voice within us panics.  Change is uncomfortable and most of the time we'd rather wallow in our unhappiness because it is familar, safe, and known.  While I have not been under the illusion of late that everything is ok, I think in my 'logical mind' my dialogue abut how it is not ok is another way to control the situation.  I can articulate to a-tee everything that is wrong with my life and what I wish would be; what I could/should/would do with myself.  So I think I must be just on the verge of coming apart because I am all about control today.  I am not letting the nature flow of the universe work because I am too busy telling it what is and isn't so.  Change is a huge buzzword lately, especially given that it was a recent campaign slogan.  But we all want to be in charge of the change.  Gandhi has a quote about 'being the change you wish to see in the world,' which I love as a sentiment, but I read that as also retaining some element of control.  Like you know what change is best for the world?  Perhaps you do - or I do - or anyone does.  But perhaps we don't.  Perhaps we have to come undone and let some universal energy (whatever or whomever that may be) guide us to whatever change it is we need.

 I have to remind myself that continuing to live through this journey and examining how and why I am where I am IS the point of the process.   It is both an acknowledgment of the successes and the failures that I have.  I am not in complete control but I can admit that and I can keep going forward.

I am all about the inspirational quotes tonight . . . any good ones that keep you motivated or remind you to smile when things get tough?