Day 13

Ugh.  Today's practice was hard. It all is sort of coming crashing in on me - have I mentioned I am supposed to be journaling (not publicly I don't imagine) and be conscientious of my diet on this program as well? I have not been very focused on that part of the "revolution." Fail.  And while I thought I was proving something to myself by doing my yoga practices all alone at home, today I am totally rethinking that.  The first week of yoga was easy and shorter and this week Brad had been reading the poses aloud since I was having such a hard time breathing with this chest-cold thing.  But tonight I was feeling better so I tried to practice again on my own. 

I realized that while the solitude of an at home practice is comforting because you explore your body in the poses in different ways, I am not getting the workout or building the same strength that I would be if I had been practicing in a studio.  I am also not feeling the energy of everyone around me to help me through the rigorous practice, because there is no one around me. It felt isolating; and not in a good way.  So today, when I tried to get into wheel, which is the culmination of your practice . . . I fell totally flat.  My arms were uninspired and my legs were useless and I just couldn't will my body to do it.  I tried three times and then I gave up - which was upsetting.

I don't know if this is just resistance to the process or what?  They say it takes 20 days to break a habit.  As I approach that benchmark maybe I am just trying to sabotage myself so that I don't change and the old habits prevail?  I feel like I am maybe in that Mucinex commercial where the green Mucus-guys have moved into the person's chest and are making themselves at home, and when he Mucinex kicks in and their stuff starts falling in around them, they hang on for dear life.  Maybe that's just because I have been taking a lot of Mucinex for this cold?  But somehow it seems appropriate.  I know change is hard but I guess I didn't realize it was hard and lonely.

Whether I am self-sabotaging or not, today I felt totally depressed practicing on my own.  I felt weak and like I was cheating somehow but not holding the poses long enough, or doing them in the right order, or forgetting to do something somewhere along the way.  I feel like I have ill-prepared myself for this process.  I didn't carve out time or space in my life for this journey either physically or mentally.  I thought at first that was a smart way not to psych myself out of embarking on this adventure but now I feel a bit like I am treading water in the middle of an ocean. I am not swimming anywhere, so I am somewhere in the middle, half-assing the process.  I am supposed to be rescuing myself and I don't really have my whole head and heart in the game.

I am going to chalk up this negativity to the fact that its the 13th day of the process - and 13 is an unlucky number.  Tomorrow is another day and I will keep going forward.  I will not let the green mucus-men of my old habits hang-on and keep my life where it is.  Their time has come and the had better pack their bags!  I am going to cough their slimy-mucus ways up and out of my life and then breathe easier . . . sorry . . . its a gross metaphor but now I can't get those guys from the commercial out of my head!  And with that said, I am going to go take some more drugs, slather some Vicks on myself and try to get rid of this cold.  Because it seems as if I have enough mental resistance to this journey I don't need any more grief from my body in the way of physical resistance. 

Namaste,
Clare