This is my yoga thought and inspiration for the day . . .
If you don't bring intentions to these actions, then they are nothing but punishments. --Jillian Michaels (from the Biggest Loser)
Happy Halloween Everyone!
Namaste,
Clare
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Day 19
Well I think this week has been a bit of a roller coaster. We had some really down days and some really up days. Some days where I had no clue where I was going and days where I felt sure I knew what this journey was about. There has certainly been an oscillation of all these emotions. Today is a bit of a mulligan. My plan to do yoga this evening after work was sidelined when Brad was bitten by a neighbor's dog. A trip to the Urgent Care, some antibiotics, and a tetanus shot later, he's no worse for wear. But at 11pm I am not about to start yoga for the day.
As I near the 20 day mark (the amount of time which it takes to break a habit, according to adage) I have certainly been struggling with resistance to this process. I want to quit - it doesn't seem worth it - it takes too much effort - I am not getting anything out of this - all of these tapes have been running through my head this week. And in truth, I have failed quite a bit at breaking the habits that I have. My lizard brain - that part of your brain which even some of the earliest animals known to man had, which gravitates toward the tried and true - has definitely been winning this week, as I stick with what I know because in some ways it has helped me survive this far so it must be working, right? Wrong! My brother and I had a long conversation about this type of lethargy tonight - he told me abut an experiment where dogs lying on a floor that was electrocuted stayed put, despite the discomfort, even when given an option to escape to a non-electrocuted space, because there was comfort even in the uncomfortable place they were laying. Anyone else ever heard of this study? It fascinates me that there really is such a strong force inside of us that keeps us stuck where we are, regardless of an acknowledgment that we are in pain, because there is comfort in the known and familiar.
I spent a lot of the day looking up quotes and stories about responsibility and self motivation - I felt like I needed a little reminder why we push ourselves to anything and why being committed to listening to the little voice in your head is important. It was really empowering and I appreciated the struggle that everyone has with keeping one's self going. There are two that I really liked: "Stay committed to your decisions but flexible to your approach" -Tom Robbins. Which reminded me to have more forgiveness to myself as I continue on this process. Yes my approach is not spot on per Baron's guidelines every day, but I am struggling to find myself, and in that struggle I have to be sure I honor what will work for me. It helped me forgive myself for being more lackadaisical on yoga because I have been spending a lot more time journaling and thinking about what is going on in my life that got me to this place.
The second quote I really liked is: "You are responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery. This quote is from The Little Prince for those of you who have not read the book, which is about a prince who wanders the galaxies. The rose is the Prince's true love but they are star-crossed, to be cheesy. The idea of 'taming' the flower is a bit of an awkward translation -- the flower is coquettish and plays hard to get, and initially spurs the Prince's love, which causes him to leave his home planet. His thoughts often go back to her and in the end the Prince realizes that in loving the flower, in taming her, he has been able to love her and realize that his rose is unique among all the flowers in the world because he loves her. As I read this quote earlier today I was struck by the idea that we are our own roses. This process makes us come to grips with and tame our own true selves and in the end, once we are out there, naked and exposed, we have only ourselves left to be responsible for. This idea that once you really truly love someone you are responsible for them struck me as being more true when applied to our love and commitment to ourselves than to anyone (or anything) else.
Tomorrow is another day and I keeping going. Onward and upward . . .
Namaste,
Clare
As I near the 20 day mark (the amount of time which it takes to break a habit, according to adage) I have certainly been struggling with resistance to this process. I want to quit - it doesn't seem worth it - it takes too much effort - I am not getting anything out of this - all of these tapes have been running through my head this week. And in truth, I have failed quite a bit at breaking the habits that I have. My lizard brain - that part of your brain which even some of the earliest animals known to man had, which gravitates toward the tried and true - has definitely been winning this week, as I stick with what I know because in some ways it has helped me survive this far so it must be working, right? Wrong! My brother and I had a long conversation about this type of lethargy tonight - he told me abut an experiment where dogs lying on a floor that was electrocuted stayed put, despite the discomfort, even when given an option to escape to a non-electrocuted space, because there was comfort even in the uncomfortable place they were laying. Anyone else ever heard of this study? It fascinates me that there really is such a strong force inside of us that keeps us stuck where we are, regardless of an acknowledgment that we are in pain, because there is comfort in the known and familiar.
I spent a lot of the day looking up quotes and stories about responsibility and self motivation - I felt like I needed a little reminder why we push ourselves to anything and why being committed to listening to the little voice in your head is important. It was really empowering and I appreciated the struggle that everyone has with keeping one's self going. There are two that I really liked: "Stay committed to your decisions but flexible to your approach" -Tom Robbins. Which reminded me to have more forgiveness to myself as I continue on this process. Yes my approach is not spot on per Baron's guidelines every day, but I am struggling to find myself, and in that struggle I have to be sure I honor what will work for me. It helped me forgive myself for being more lackadaisical on yoga because I have been spending a lot more time journaling and thinking about what is going on in my life that got me to this place.
The second quote I really liked is: "You are responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery. This quote is from The Little Prince for those of you who have not read the book, which is about a prince who wanders the galaxies. The rose is the Prince's true love but they are star-crossed, to be cheesy. The idea of 'taming' the flower is a bit of an awkward translation -- the flower is coquettish and plays hard to get, and initially spurs the Prince's love, which causes him to leave his home planet. His thoughts often go back to her and in the end the Prince realizes that in loving the flower, in taming her, he has been able to love her and realize that his rose is unique among all the flowers in the world because he loves her. As I read this quote earlier today I was struck by the idea that we are our own roses. This process makes us come to grips with and tame our own true selves and in the end, once we are out there, naked and exposed, we have only ourselves left to be responsible for. This idea that once you really truly love someone you are responsible for them struck me as being more true when applied to our love and commitment to ourselves than to anyone (or anything) else.
Tomorrow is another day and I keeping going. Onward and upward . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Day 18
Tonight when I had a breakdown over running too late and missing yoga class I was reminded of an expression my Mom often says: "If you can't get out of it, get into it." An embrace of the fact that things may be wretched, things may be tough, you all-in-all might not like the situation, but if you can't remove yourself or get away from it, you just have to accept it. I was not as committed to my practice and this process today as I want to be, but I have to accept that, and get into the resistance that I have had to getting it done.
My Father-In-Law (oohh that's weird to write out) informs me that in Police training the concept is called "failing-forward." I think Baron would like that name because it acknowledges both the success and the short-comings of this process. While on the one hand I am proud of how I have stuck with this journey, I am also dismayed by how much I have faltered. Both physical fatigue and mental resistance have made this process arduous. It really is amazing, when you sit back and look at it, how much we let the internal monologue in our head run our lives -- no matter how illogical it may be at times. I have felt at times like this process has made me have multiple personalities -- Lazy Clare, Motivated Clare, Zen Clare etc. they are all me but not entirely.
Baron's second law of transformation is to "be willing to come part." The idea being that just as we are about to encounter change within ourselves, when the little voice says "I can't continue this way," another little voice within us panics. Change is uncomfortable and most of the time we'd rather wallow in our unhappiness because it is familar, safe, and known. While I have not been under the illusion of late that everything is ok, I think in my 'logical mind' my dialogue abut how it is not ok is another way to control the situation. I can articulate to a-tee everything that is wrong with my life and what I wish would be; what I could/should/would do with myself. So I think I must be just on the verge of coming apart because I am all about control today. I am not letting the nature flow of the universe work because I am too busy telling it what is and isn't so. Change is a huge buzzword lately, especially given that it was a recent campaign slogan. But we all want to be in charge of the change. Gandhi has a quote about 'being the change you wish to see in the world,' which I love as a sentiment, but I read that as also retaining some element of control. Like you know what change is best for the world? Perhaps you do - or I do - or anyone does. But perhaps we don't. Perhaps we have to come undone and let some universal energy (whatever or whomever that may be) guide us to whatever change it is we need.
I have to remind myself that continuing to live through this journey and examining how and why I am where I am IS the point of the process. It is both an acknowledgment of the successes and the failures that I have. I am not in complete control but I can admit that and I can keep going forward.
I am all about the inspirational quotes tonight . . . any good ones that keep you motivated or remind you to smile when things get tough?
My Father-In-Law (oohh that's weird to write out) informs me that in Police training the concept is called "failing-forward." I think Baron would like that name because it acknowledges both the success and the short-comings of this process. While on the one hand I am proud of how I have stuck with this journey, I am also dismayed by how much I have faltered. Both physical fatigue and mental resistance have made this process arduous. It really is amazing, when you sit back and look at it, how much we let the internal monologue in our head run our lives -- no matter how illogical it may be at times. I have felt at times like this process has made me have multiple personalities -- Lazy Clare, Motivated Clare, Zen Clare etc. they are all me but not entirely.
Baron's second law of transformation is to "be willing to come part." The idea being that just as we are about to encounter change within ourselves, when the little voice says "I can't continue this way," another little voice within us panics. Change is uncomfortable and most of the time we'd rather wallow in our unhappiness because it is familar, safe, and known. While I have not been under the illusion of late that everything is ok, I think in my 'logical mind' my dialogue abut how it is not ok is another way to control the situation. I can articulate to a-tee everything that is wrong with my life and what I wish would be; what I could/should/would do with myself. So I think I must be just on the verge of coming apart because I am all about control today. I am not letting the nature flow of the universe work because I am too busy telling it what is and isn't so. Change is a huge buzzword lately, especially given that it was a recent campaign slogan. But we all want to be in charge of the change. Gandhi has a quote about 'being the change you wish to see in the world,' which I love as a sentiment, but I read that as also retaining some element of control. Like you know what change is best for the world? Perhaps you do - or I do - or anyone does. But perhaps we don't. Perhaps we have to come undone and let some universal energy (whatever or whomever that may be) guide us to whatever change it is we need.
I have to remind myself that continuing to live through this journey and examining how and why I am where I am IS the point of the process. It is both an acknowledgment of the successes and the failures that I have. I am not in complete control but I can admit that and I can keep going forward.
I am all about the inspirational quotes tonight . . . any good ones that keep you motivated or remind you to smile when things get tough?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Day 16
Wahoo! I think today's revelation is that oftentimes things are not as hard as you make them out to be. You spend so much time fussing about how you don't have time to do something that you have spent all your energy fussing (or fussin' as the Southerns would say) and no time doing the thing. I also spend a lot of time planning to do great things (or fixin' to do them) and then I run out of steam. Well today, the stars aligned or something, and I just shut up and did some things. Not big things - I paid the bills, sent a couple of links to Brad of apartment ideas in Maryland, made some phone calls. I took half of an aptitude test (so I can find out what I am really good at so I can be a better worker-bee) that I had been putting off for two weeks because it takes three hours to do - so I just sat down and decided to do half instead of just bemoaning how I never have three uninterrupted hours. But it felt good to take actions and opposed to wallowing away at my desk hoping someone has work for me to do and reading the same Balloon Boy and John and Kate Plus Eight gossip stories over and over again (ps apparently OctoMom has a crush on John!? the world is a strange place . . . )
Today I dragged myself to a yoga class in the studio for the first time during this whole journey. Evidently, I have paid for unlimited yoga classes during this 40 days when I signed up for this program (who knew?). I was fading over the weekend in my gusto to continue with this journey, so I halfheartedly texted my friend Rebecca and asked her if she would come with me to a yoga class to keep me motivated. She lives in DC and the class is at 7:45pm at night so I was sure she was going to say no . . . ha! maybe my asking her was even a way to 'blame' her and not take responsibility for committing to my own practice . . . anyway, I knew if I had actual peer pressure and a play-date I couldn't just cave and quit. Well it worked, Rebecca graciously agreed (she's studying to be a yoga instructor so I think she was just curious to see what I had gotten myself into) and the class was great! It wasn't a very 'beginners' beginners class, but Rebecca kept up, and in fact, so did I! I felt like my heart was beaming during a good part of the class I was so proud of myself. It was very cool to see how much my at-home practices had taught me about being in my own skin. I understood the pace of the class better now, so I could focus on alignment and positions in a new way. I was surprised to see how strong I had gotten in some poses and how I wasn't totally dying after the fast-paced Sun Salutations. The instructor was cracking jokes and we laughed a lot as a class. It was very refreshing to be so joyful in yoga. Remember, as the yogis' say, all suffering is optional.
I am probably going to be incredibly sore tomorrow -- but I don't even care. It was great to have the heat of the yoga studio relax my muscles and since I now know I have unlimited classes I will definitely go back more frequently. I have already proven to myself that I don't need the studio to do this - I am strong enough to do it alone - its just more fun to have the support of the class, and it allows me to go deeper into my practice having them talk me through the alignment of the poses.
Ok, Brad has something AMAZING smelling in the oven so I am going to go eat! More on the food tomorrow . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Today I dragged myself to a yoga class in the studio for the first time during this whole journey. Evidently, I have paid for unlimited yoga classes during this 40 days when I signed up for this program (who knew?). I was fading over the weekend in my gusto to continue with this journey, so I halfheartedly texted my friend Rebecca and asked her if she would come with me to a yoga class to keep me motivated. She lives in DC and the class is at 7:45pm at night so I was sure she was going to say no . . . ha! maybe my asking her was even a way to 'blame' her and not take responsibility for committing to my own practice . . . anyway, I knew if I had actual peer pressure and a play-date I couldn't just cave and quit. Well it worked, Rebecca graciously agreed (she's studying to be a yoga instructor so I think she was just curious to see what I had gotten myself into) and the class was great! It wasn't a very 'beginners' beginners class, but Rebecca kept up, and in fact, so did I! I felt like my heart was beaming during a good part of the class I was so proud of myself. It was very cool to see how much my at-home practices had taught me about being in my own skin. I understood the pace of the class better now, so I could focus on alignment and positions in a new way. I was surprised to see how strong I had gotten in some poses and how I wasn't totally dying after the fast-paced Sun Salutations. The instructor was cracking jokes and we laughed a lot as a class. It was very refreshing to be so joyful in yoga. Remember, as the yogis' say, all suffering is optional.
I am probably going to be incredibly sore tomorrow -- but I don't even care. It was great to have the heat of the yoga studio relax my muscles and since I now know I have unlimited classes I will definitely go back more frequently. I have already proven to myself that I don't need the studio to do this - I am strong enough to do it alone - its just more fun to have the support of the class, and it allows me to go deeper into my practice having them talk me through the alignment of the poses.
Ok, Brad has something AMAZING smelling in the oven so I am going to go eat! More on the food tomorrow . . .
Namaste,
Clare
Monday, October 26, 2009
Day 15
Today was about things on this journey that don't make sense. This morning while I was meditating - the time has now been bumped up to 15 minutes by the way, which feels like forever!! - I actually started to panic that I was going to suffocate. I mean, how backwards is that? I was sitting there focusing on my breathe worried that I wasn't getting enough air? This week in meditation we are encouraged not to move during meditation - to just let the itches and twitches and such pass and to sit with the sensations in our body. Succumbing to these minor distractions is a way of not being present and allows our body to resist that which we are setting our mind to do. So I am sitting there, trying not to move, feeling like I am going to suffocate (which I know in my head is illogical) saying "Clare just don't open your mouth." Its laughable now. But I had to try so hard not to panic during my meditation. Oh resistance - you entertain me.
And now for something completely different . . . .
So can someone explain how fish soaked in butter and parsley can have absolutely no taste? That was how the night's adventure with Julia ended up... It was my first attempt at poaching fish (well poaching anything, to be honest!), and again Clare and I ate something that resembled edible food. Unfortunately, flavor was absolutely lacking. I made a reduction of the white wine, shallots and chicken stock that the fish cooked in and I added butter and parsley after it was the consistency of syrup, but it definitely needed something else. The fish itself was fresh (Sole, in case you were wondering) so it wasn't a case of bad fish, just the seasoning was very bland. Maybe I'll try a different herb like chives or tarragon next time. C'est la vie. C'est le guerre. Tomorrow is another day and another recipe! --B
And now for something completely different . . . .
So can someone explain how fish soaked in butter and parsley can have absolutely no taste? That was how the night's adventure with Julia ended up... It was my first attempt at poaching fish (well poaching anything, to be honest!), and again Clare and I ate something that resembled edible food. Unfortunately, flavor was absolutely lacking. I made a reduction of the white wine, shallots and chicken stock that the fish cooked in and I added butter and parsley after it was the consistency of syrup, but it definitely needed something else. The fish itself was fresh (Sole, in case you were wondering) so it wasn't a case of bad fish, just the seasoning was very bland. Maybe I'll try a different herb like chives or tarragon next time. C'est la vie. C'est le guerre. Tomorrow is another day and another recipe! --B
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Day 13
Ugh. Today's practice was hard. It all is sort of coming crashing in on me - have I mentioned I am supposed to be journaling (not publicly I don't imagine) and be conscientious of my diet on this program as well? I have not been very focused on that part of the "revolution." Fail. And while I thought I was proving something to myself by doing my yoga practices all alone at home, today I am totally rethinking that. The first week of yoga was easy and shorter and this week Brad had been reading the poses aloud since I was having such a hard time breathing with this chest-cold thing. But tonight I was feeling better so I tried to practice again on my own.
I realized that while the solitude of an at home practice is comforting because you explore your body in the poses in different ways, I am not getting the workout or building the same strength that I would be if I had been practicing in a studio. I am also not feeling the energy of everyone around me to help me through the rigorous practice, because there is no one around me. It felt isolating; and not in a good way. So today, when I tried to get into wheel, which is the culmination of your practice . . . I fell totally flat. My arms were uninspired and my legs were useless and I just couldn't will my body to do it. I tried three times and then I gave up - which was upsetting.
I don't know if this is just resistance to the process or what? They say it takes 20 days to break a habit. As I approach that benchmark maybe I am just trying to sabotage myself so that I don't change and the old habits prevail? I feel like I am maybe in that Mucinex commercial where the green Mucus-guys have moved into the person's chest and are making themselves at home, and when he Mucinex kicks in and their stuff starts falling in around them, they hang on for dear life. Maybe that's just because I have been taking a lot of Mucinex for this cold? But somehow it seems appropriate. I know change is hard but I guess I didn't realize it was hard and lonely.
Whether I am self-sabotaging or not, today I felt totally depressed practicing on my own. I felt weak and like I was cheating somehow but not holding the poses long enough, or doing them in the right order, or forgetting to do something somewhere along the way. I feel like I have ill-prepared myself for this process. I didn't carve out time or space in my life for this journey either physically or mentally. I thought at first that was a smart way not to psych myself out of embarking on this adventure but now I feel a bit like I am treading water in the middle of an ocean. I am not swimming anywhere, so I am somewhere in the middle, half-assing the process. I am supposed to be rescuing myself and I don't really have my whole head and heart in the game.
I am going to chalk up this negativity to the fact that its the 13th day of the process - and 13 is an unlucky number. Tomorrow is another day and I will keep going forward. I will not let the green mucus-men of my old habits hang-on and keep my life where it is. Their time has come and the had better pack their bags! I am going to cough their slimy-mucus ways up and out of my life and then breathe easier . . . sorry . . . its a gross metaphor but now I can't get those guys from the commercial out of my head! And with that said, I am going to go take some more drugs, slather some Vicks on myself and try to get rid of this cold. Because it seems as if I have enough mental resistance to this journey I don't need any more grief from my body in the way of physical resistance.
Namaste,
Clare
I realized that while the solitude of an at home practice is comforting because you explore your body in the poses in different ways, I am not getting the workout or building the same strength that I would be if I had been practicing in a studio. I am also not feeling the energy of everyone around me to help me through the rigorous practice, because there is no one around me. It felt isolating; and not in a good way. So today, when I tried to get into wheel, which is the culmination of your practice . . . I fell totally flat. My arms were uninspired and my legs were useless and I just couldn't will my body to do it. I tried three times and then I gave up - which was upsetting.
I don't know if this is just resistance to the process or what? They say it takes 20 days to break a habit. As I approach that benchmark maybe I am just trying to sabotage myself so that I don't change and the old habits prevail? I feel like I am maybe in that Mucinex commercial where the green Mucus-guys have moved into the person's chest and are making themselves at home, and when he Mucinex kicks in and their stuff starts falling in around them, they hang on for dear life. Maybe that's just because I have been taking a lot of Mucinex for this cold? But somehow it seems appropriate. I know change is hard but I guess I didn't realize it was hard and lonely.
Whether I am self-sabotaging or not, today I felt totally depressed practicing on my own. I felt weak and like I was cheating somehow but not holding the poses long enough, or doing them in the right order, or forgetting to do something somewhere along the way. I feel like I have ill-prepared myself for this process. I didn't carve out time or space in my life for this journey either physically or mentally. I thought at first that was a smart way not to psych myself out of embarking on this adventure but now I feel a bit like I am treading water in the middle of an ocean. I am not swimming anywhere, so I am somewhere in the middle, half-assing the process. I am supposed to be rescuing myself and I don't really have my whole head and heart in the game.
I am going to chalk up this negativity to the fact that its the 13th day of the process - and 13 is an unlucky number. Tomorrow is another day and I will keep going forward. I will not let the green mucus-men of my old habits hang-on and keep my life where it is. Their time has come and the had better pack their bags! I am going to cough their slimy-mucus ways up and out of my life and then breathe easier . . . sorry . . . its a gross metaphor but now I can't get those guys from the commercial out of my head! And with that said, I am going to go take some more drugs, slather some Vicks on myself and try to get rid of this cold. Because it seems as if I have enough mental resistance to this journey I don't need any more grief from my body in the way of physical resistance.
Namaste,
Clare
Friday, October 23, 2009
Day 12
So I remember now why they encourage you to do your yoga practice first thing in the morning . . . It doesn't have to do with the fact that once its done you don't have to worry about it for the rest of the day, or worry that your life will get in the way of getting your practice in - although those are good reasons. Your supposed to do your practice first thing in the morning because your stomach is empty!
Oh, how I forgot the nasty feeling of doing yoga with a fully belly. Because Baron's practice is about building "internal heat" to sweat out the toxins, resistance, yucky-stuff etc, it is best advised to do the practice on an empty stomach where there is nothing rumbling around in the tummy. Since you are squeezing and stretching your belly through these poses as you heat it up your body with your breathe everything in your system gets, well, rather hot and bothered -- including any food in your belly which needs your stomach acid to break it down. Two cosmos and a burrito later I feel dizzy, out of breath, and sick to my stomach. Nothing like a bunch of guacamole-flavored belches to remind you that procrastinating yoga does not serve you well. Yuck. Not to mention being dehydrated, as two cosmos can do to you, makes you incredibly thirsty as your are sweating through the poses. Thank goodness I wasn't actually being so foolish in the heated studio - which only increases these food induced ailments and makes you feel even more gross!
Lesson learned -- Booze + Mexican Food + Yoga = Bad News Bears!
. . . . perhaps I can figure out how to discipline myself after all? Or maybe I am just good at self-inflicting punishment haha! In either case, I am taking a bottle of water and heading to bed now. No more yoga after 9pm!
Namaste,
Clare
Oh, how I forgot the nasty feeling of doing yoga with a fully belly. Because Baron's practice is about building "internal heat" to sweat out the toxins, resistance, yucky-stuff etc, it is best advised to do the practice on an empty stomach where there is nothing rumbling around in the tummy. Since you are squeezing and stretching your belly through these poses as you heat it up your body with your breathe everything in your system gets, well, rather hot and bothered -- including any food in your belly which needs your stomach acid to break it down. Two cosmos and a burrito later I feel dizzy, out of breath, and sick to my stomach. Nothing like a bunch of guacamole-flavored belches to remind you that procrastinating yoga does not serve you well. Yuck. Not to mention being dehydrated, as two cosmos can do to you, makes you incredibly thirsty as your are sweating through the poses. Thank goodness I wasn't actually being so foolish in the heated studio - which only increases these food induced ailments and makes you feel even more gross!
Lesson learned -- Booze + Mexican Food + Yoga = Bad News Bears!
. . . . perhaps I can figure out how to discipline myself after all? Or maybe I am just good at self-inflicting punishment haha! In either case, I am taking a bottle of water and heading to bed now. No more yoga after 9pm!
Namaste,
Clare
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